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Comments for 'Extravagent Wars-Series 1' |
Louis Wu
10:33 pm | May 23, 2004
Kid you kick Ass! keep it up!
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Nick Kang
6:18 pm | May 20, 2004
Having said that, I do have a few corrections to make.
1) The thought of two Spartans falling in love and making out in the middle of a corpse riddled battle-field sickens me. I'm sure it sickens everyone else here to.
2) They have TV in the army.
3) Glass falling on an Elite WILL NOT KILL IT. Perahps if there was a glass shard-fall, and an Elite stood under it for about three hours, it MIGHT take out it's shields.
4) There would not be three Hunters. Read Halo: The Flood. Hunters travel with their bond-brothers, and they travel in two's. There would not be three, there would be two or four or six etc.
5) It says Kelly and MC kissed...how is that possible when they have helmets? Next time mention them taking their helmets off.
6) "Kelly says with a wink" again, how is it possible to tell if she winked if the has a helmet on?
7) Sarge (If that's who 'Marine Johnson' is) is surrounded by fifty Elites and in the blink of an eye, they are all dead and MC is standing their with a single plasma sword. How is that possible? One, there is no way he could kill them all in the blink of an eye. Two, fifty Elites? MC would get easily overwhelmed by fifty Elites, even if he had a plasma sword.
8) If Kelly has a plasma sniper rifle, then why does it say bullets hit her targets?
That's all I can think of right now, feel free to correct me.
NK
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Nick Kang
6:07 pm | May 20, 2004
Ummm....yeah...what he said.
NK
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Darkest90
10:44 pm | May 19, 2004
Hey Ryan! I know you put work into your story, but I am going to tell you some stuff I realized that might be dragging your story down. Don't take it badly, you worked hard on your story and you should be proud. But, I can only promise you a better story after enough practice.
I am going to take the first two paragraphs of your story and tell you what I saw that was... unsatisfactory.
1) You need to space your story out. Between each paragraph, press enter to give a nice space between it. This helps readers who might become overwhelmed by so many letters close together. It is considered the 'standard' thing to do here.
2) I don't think there are Green Elites, but you might have your reasons. Remember that you should capitalize the word Elite, because that is referring to a race. Just like you say American with a capitalized A, you should say Elite.
3) Hazor. That's a good name, but not very thought out (sorry). Elites have sort of longer, more vowel-ish names. The name of one known Elite is Orna Fulsamee. Try using that name to make up new names for Elites.
4) Put a dash between Spartan and 117. Hence, Spartan-117.
5) Remember to capitalize Spartan as well.
6) It might be important to tell the readers that it is a plasma sword, or they may think that the Elite is carrying one made of wood, or steel.
7) You switched between past (crossed) and present (slashes) tense in your first paragraph. Try to keep your tenses the same throughout your story.
8) Sorry, Spartans don't have pockets (they are wearing a cybernetic suit). Just tellin' ya.
9) "Now everyone knows that when you make a spartan angry, he gets angry." I didn't know that...
10) When you have a number that is less that 100, spell the number out. Instead of saying 12, say twelve. This helps your reader who has to switch from numerals to letters while reading. It disrupts their pace.
11) The Master Chief hit an Elite twelve times? Without getting hit by the Elite's plasma swords (which he has two of). Seems unlikely. You make the Master Chief seem like Superman, and he is powerful, but not invulnerable. Don't make your characters so strong.
12) Elites snicker? I thought only humans snicker. Don't make your aliens like humans, keep them different from each other.
13) Capitalize all proper nouns, such as names of people. Like Marine Johnson. Also remember that marines will have proper names like Private Johnson, not Marine. Maybe say, The marine, Johnson, was gettinbg screwed over.
14) [ Johnson says this is for the earth ]
This should be: Johnson says, "This is for Earth!"
Remember your quotation marks and to capitalize the name of planets.
15) You don't need to capitalize bobcats. They are animals. You don't capitalize the names of animals.
16) I noticed you didn't spell things very well. Try running your story through a spell-checker.
Thanks,
Hope your story turns out better,
Darkest90
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Ryan
9:59 pm | May 19, 2004
Yea, well helljumper i dont give what you say, use your imagination for god sakes and just for once actually say something good about a storie
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Helljumper
2:20 pm | May 19, 2004
There are no green elites, and I don't read stories with Spartans.
ODST
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