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Comments for 'OlahJust your average halo spoof' |
Flu
10:48 pm | March 28, 2004
Man...now I feel like an a-hole for criticising an 11 year old. Oh wait...I AM an a-hole.
Given where this story is coming from, it did have some funny stuff in it. Keep up the work.
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Nick Kang
3:04 pm | March 27, 2004
Pretty funny. I like the part where MC starts fighting and then get distracted by the vending machine. If you clean up your writing skill and make it more spoofier, I can see a hit series here where you might do one for each level.
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JJiggssaw
2:44 pm | March 27, 2004
Yo, David, pretty good. I agree to a point with MCC, but it didn't turn out bad at all. I promise to edit the next Olah, and you should read this comments page daily. Also, check out Flu, CoLd BlooDed, Hunter_Killer, Silent Hunter, Sterfrye, teemus, or anyone else that catches your eye. Remember, these people are a little older than us. Some are a lot older.
To all you commenters, go easy on Mr. Elite, he's only in elementary school (like me).
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Flu
4:41 pm | March 26, 2004
The attempt at humor was refreshing, but it wasn't very good satire. There was no good juxtaposition between the Chief's stupidity and the reality of the situation. A spoof relies on the fact that everyone is taking it serioulsly EXCEPT the person who is in on teh joke. Who was in on teh joke here?? I agree, the duct tape was a nice touch. Perhaps they should have spray-painted it too....
MCC already made a pretty detailed critiique. The Piece has a ways to go. Keep working on it.
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Helljumper
4:12 pm | March 26, 2004
I laughed when the crewman ducktaped his armor, but that was it
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some guy
3:06 pm | March 26, 2004
At least it made me laugh more than all the other
fan fics on this site.
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MC's Cousin
2:57 pm | March 26, 2004
Well, you know...
You just...well...
I'm not sure how I can...hmmm...
No, just no. I mean, it was kinda funny. But if you really want people to get anothing out of this kind of work, you really need to work on your form:
INTEREST: Well, I will say that if you would have written it better, the comedic aspect of your work might have been enough to make me want to read more that the first three "paragraphs": 5/10
STORYLINE: Well, it's really odd. Not that that kind of storyline isn't welcome here, but still...it was the way you wrote it that made it just plain bad: 5/10
STRUCTURE: Wasn't good at all. It was really jumbled, couldn't really tell when or where you switched locations. The flow was not good at all, like trying to drive down a road with right angles in it, just don't do that kind of thing: 4/10
SPELLING: Because of the jumbledness of your story, my eyes could not lock on to any words in particular, thus making it hard to find spelling mistakes: N/A
FEEL: The story was trying to have a comedic feel but didn't work out: 5/10
Overall/Total: Needs much work, and unless you are in kindergarden at present, I think you might want to start back there before trying to write anything on HBO: 45%
Signing Off
MCC
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