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Comments for 'The Last Encounter: Chapter Two: The Battle of Endoria Fields' |
Dave Luck
1:24 pm | July 20, 2004
Damn....
Well, it's a fairly common line. Don't worry, I'm sure I ripped that off someone else. [bleakly]Ha ha ha...[/bleakly]
Kinda reminds me of the "Doctor Footsie's Toothpaste" Joke, and the "Anusol tablets - take two by mouth a day, mouth infections to stay." Jokes.
Although I agree with Helljumper on the spears and swords part, I'll say this:
"Hey! It's YOUR fanfic. You get to say wether the Marines have a weapon or ammunition shortage."
- Dave.
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Jessica
10:33 am | July 20, 2004
heeeeeeeey, i was gonna put that in my story...
-.-"...You ruined it!!
Jess
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Dave Luck
10:46 pm | July 19, 2004
I kinda liked the inspirational speech.
I guess you could say "The only good covie's a dead 'un."
- Dave.
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romac1991
11:22 am | July 19, 2004
Yup, !@#$ is right
romac1991
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!@#$
10:12 am | July 19, 2004
Now if they have bayonets that would make more sense. Well the covenant out gunned them, so simply put the only choice you have is charge.
Sitting in fox holes wouldnt work when there are plasma grenades every where. There werent any bunkers or machine guns. It seems like some sort flat plain that provides no cover. So the marines are out gunned so they duke it out at close range suicidal attempts.
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!@#$
6:09 am | July 19, 2004
My eyes were watery after reading it. It was too good.
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Guardian
2:02 am | July 19, 2004
Cool!.
but it could have been cooler, if you could have made a few marines survive with the spartans, and then a pelican picking them up, the sunsetting. The pelican flies into the sunset as they show the field and the remaining soldiers remember this battle...and what not.
9.9/10, very well done, better than mine. I can't wait for the next chapter.
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Jessica
12:25 pm | July 17, 2004
Thanks for the comments guys...and yeah, the start was sort of sappy...but oh well...you guys still seemed to like most of the story...that's what i really care about...Lmao...^.^
Jess
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romac1991
11:18 am | July 17, 2004
I just want everyone to know that this part was mostly done by me, sorry jess, and you shouldn't think of her as less of a writer because of my poor writing skills. She had nothing to do with my mistake on this story, although she did do great on re editing it. Didn't know i sucked that much, well, im gonna go in my room and cry my eyes out.
romac1991
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romac1991
11:04 am | July 17, 2004
maybe this was a bad idea...
romac1991
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Kirsten Moerman
8:44 am | July 17, 2004
At least you can say its dramatic! But i must say that the story ended up very good,don't stop writing!Erm...did jou maybe saw the lord of the rings:return of the king?Cause the charge in the movie and here in the book....the resemblance!
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KilltheMonitor
6:43 am | July 17, 2004
hell guys i loved it(that might not say much lol) the charge was alittle unrealistic but i loved it, DONT STOP THE STORY make more, you guys do good on this. i also loved the end part with wilkins and the gernade.
9/10
-killthemonitor
p.s. i aint kissing you guyes asses eather its really good to me
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Jaywhit10
3:34 am | July 17, 2004
This is an interesting story, I like where its going. Gives a different spin on things eh?, those grenades gotta hurt.
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Berconius
1:28 am | July 17, 2004
Yep, practice.
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Severian
1:24 am | July 17, 2004
Oh, my bad, romac. I didn't know you improved so drastically... (scratches his head)
Advice:Less on the drama, more on personal reflections/insights. Handle battles without droning into a "history professor" mode; and most of all, practice.
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Berconius
1:21 am | July 17, 2004
Wow, the almost-married couple...
ANYway...I'm with Helljumper on the charge, it's really not the point of modern warfare. Or futuristic warfare. I mean, they probably wouldn't have left much of a field if it came down to a charge. More like a glassed portion of Earth that both sides try to slide across and clothesline each other. Or ride on dead bodies.
And yeah, the pre-battle thign is pretty sappy. Spartans don't seem like that type. And the post battle...though I think I'll leave that alone.
But neither of you is a bad writer, you just have to keep going with it. Cheerio! :D
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Jessica
12:23 am | July 17, 2004
No No...I'm a baaaaaad writer...romac "edited" it, so he pretty much wrote this part...Romac basically wrote this part...lol, you have no idea how bad at am at writing stories...I gave him a rough copy, and when i got it back, it looked totally different, lmao...but Oh well, credit should go to romac...i didn't really do much except edit it...^.^
Jess
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Helljumper
9:14 pm | July 16, 2004
Its not realistic. We don't use swords and spears, theres no reason to charge. The Marines would be in fox holes and hardened bunkers with machine guns, not standing out in the open like that.
ODST
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OpeningAct
8:17 pm | July 16, 2004
Good work jess and romac! Keep it up!
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HoZ
5:08 pm | July 16, 2004
Great Story i cant wait to see the rest
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Severian
4:35 pm | July 16, 2004
I'm guessing that Jessica wrote this part? It's different from romac's first part... I hate to say this, but this was a distinct improvement.
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russ687
4:10 pm | July 16, 2004
The drama was there, but the fighting scenes were not quite up to par; maybe it's because it was such a large battle (I never really think writing large battles like that are good; it puts the reader at a distant perspective like their watching it from a far-off location. Your best bet is to pick a character and follow thier actions into the battle, then tell us what that character observed when it was over).
Formatting was good; very few technical mistakes
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'Nosolee
2:09 pm | July 16, 2004
It's good, a bit cliche, though. The whole dramatic pre-battle has been done before, several times.
However, I do like how you 2 build the tension.
7-8/10
-'Nos
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Jessica
12:14 pm | July 16, 2004
Eep that wasn't there wen i submitted it...Sowwie everybody, but year, just take those two squares out...^.^, Hope everybody likes it...
Jess
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romac1991
11:15 am | July 16, 2004
Everyone disregard that wierd thing when it was talking about private wilkins, something happened when submitting it.
romac1991
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