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Comments for 'The Exchange - Part 1 - Empensa'' |
Walker
12:47 pm | December 5, 2003
Kaz did more than shoot a little and watch... he shot stuff like mad, bombed stuff, blew a whole ship up with a nuke. But anyway... I've only read Derailed and this one of your stuff, so I guess you could be right.
Semper Fi
-Walker
PS: Ever gonna send in that end story from the point of view of Martes (or whoever that survivor was) for Derailed? I was looking forward to it.
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witelancer
4:47 am | December 5, 2003
Excellent, simply excellent, Dispraiser. The vivid storytelling was spot-on. I greatly enjoyed reading this, it was incredible for a halo fanfic...
10/10
PS-nice way to insinuate under-the-table politics with the ONI.
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Dispraiser
1:32 am | December 5, 2003
Probably the submission after next. I just finished submitting part two or the exchange. I'll submit it instead of Part 3 of the Exchange.
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Dispraiser
9:53 pm | December 4, 2003
Wado always has good advice. That was a problem I noticed in another one of my fanfics too. My main characters seem to be about as useful as cameramen. They stand there, talk a little, shoot a little and watch, but rarely do they think. I'll try to work on that.
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Wado
5:06 am | December 4, 2003
Nice job Dispraiser. Very good action and great character perspective. Your writing reminds me of the old Sarge and his "Banserki's Journal" only his main viewpoint character was a Covenant Grunt.
The only thing that I see that might add a bit to the story is have a bit more of the scenery come into play. For example, you had the main character grab a rifle, but I'm not really sure what impact that had in the story. You can leave stuff like that out of the story most of the time and no one will know the difference. Then when the main character does pick up an item, spend a little more time describing the sensation, this can clue the reader into thinking the item is something of importance. For example if the main character needed a weapon really badly to shoot a bad guy, don't just have him pick it up, say "I ripped the weapon out of the grasping hands of the dead marine, it was still warm from his body. The metalic taste of blood and sulfer filled my nostrils and smoke rose out of the weapon's barrel. I fired it, the blood that covered it made the gears more smooth, it was a weapon of killing perfection. One shot, one kill, the beast went down. Perhaps it was just the luckiest shot of my life, but I did smite it down with my weapon, my firestick." Or something like that as an example.
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Dispraiser
4:07 am | December 4, 2003
He might've if it were a different author. Unfortunatly I have a horrible blood fued with unoriginality, and I refuse to mention anyone from any other Halo stories. Also, the whole basis of the story is under the table coverups, which will all start to appear later in the story. Part two is done on my PC and can be expected in the next update.
Thanks for the comments, I thought this one was gonna fall on a dry reading because of the fanfic oversaturation.
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Steele
2:28 am | December 4, 2003
Excellent, Dispraiser, excellent. I really like how you told the story from the view of a janitor. The AEs and other beasts were pretty original. And it sounds to me like we're going to have some under the table politics going on here with ONI.
Kinda' reminds me of Resident Evil with the Nemesis sent out to hunt down S.T.A.R.S members. I may be mistaken but is the Colonel from the Fall of Reach (whatshisface-the one that had his own ONI operation going on and tried to kill the MC after he got his new armor) going to make an appearance?
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Dispraiser
1:57 am | December 4, 2003
Thanks. Hmmm... Well... This is odd, that is way too short... Well maybe some info on the monsters?
They are Man-made, and they are called AEs. Part 2 will clear it all up.
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Walker
10:56 pm | December 3, 2003
I don't have any idea how I missed this, but I'm glad I came back and read it. This story was absolutely AWESOME. I don't understand it, but I like it. I love it. I want some more of it, and soon. 10/10.
Semper Fi
-Walker
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