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Comments for 'Reconnaissance (The Alps) : The first mission' |
russ687
3:34 am | June 2, 2004
To be completely honest, this story was cheesy. First, it lacked a suffeciently interesting story-line (a spuper squad of recon Marines out on a mission to save a high ranking officer from the enemy with a convenient stash of vehicles in a cave nearby...hmmm...Come On!). Second, your writing was questionable, mainly because you would add phrases like "Covenant pieces of shit", etc., in your narrative sentences. You need to reserve feelings for when somebody is talking or thinking, not for your narrative area.
Second, some of the events in the story were unbelievable. Why would an Elite surrender? (Let me ask you this, has an Elite EVER surrendered?) I think most would say "NO!"
Also, you must capitalize the names of vehicles, and "Covenant"
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Mainevent
12:34 am | May 31, 2004
Not a bad story overall.
Tips:
Capitalize Covenant.
Towards the bottom, you stopped indenting everytime someone new spoke, which can make it look awkward.
I'd bolden up the time and date if I were you, not a must though.
And there were several parts where you referred to the reader; I would refrain from doing that directly. Don't force feed them the backstory, let it come out in either as a natural progression, or in conversation.
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