 |
About This Site
Daily Musings
News
News Archive
Site Resources
FAQ
Screenshots
Concept Art
Halo 2 Updates
Interviews
Movies
Music
Miscellaneous
Mailbag
HBO PAL
Game Fun
The Halo Story
Tips and Tricks
Fan Creations
Wallpaper
Misc. Art
Fan Fiction
Comics
Logos
Banners
Press Coverage
Halo Reviews
Halo 2 Previews
Press Scans
Community
HBO Forum
Clan HBO Forum
HBO IRC Channel
Links
Admin
Submissions
FTP Uploads
HTTP Uploads
Contact
|
|
|
Comments for 'The Story of Hitomi: Part One' |
MasterGrunt
10:59 pm | September 15, 2003
An okay story but the part about hitomi acting all girlish kinda scared me. Remember hitomi is spartan not a princess. One other thing I highly doubt that even a spartan could carry that many weapons. You have tou remember that each of those weapons probably weighs around 9 to 12 pounds. Besides this you also went through everything pretty fast. Overall I give it an 8.2
|
Sergeant B
9:48 am | September 15, 2003
Does that really matter how many sentences their are that I got right?
|
Sergeant B
9:48 am | September 15, 2003
Does that really matter how many sentences their are that I got right?
|
Walker
12:57 am | September 15, 2003
Kaboose, you have ever been a friend and faithful reader. I like you, and I like your comments, but your story could use a little work:
a) Spartan love? Questionable, but okay. Just remember, in TFOR it sates that one of the side effects of the augmentation surgeries was a suppressed sexual drive.
b) At the end Hitomi got all girly... that was kinda scary. She cried and changed into girly clothes... something you wouldn't expect a Spartan to do, even if they owned such clothing in the first place.
c) Pink MJOLNIR battle armor was also a bit disturbing... another fact attributing to the girlyness.
d) You claimed Hitomi's shotgun shot bullets. Just a note: Shotguns shoot shot. Rifles shoot bullets. Probably just a typo.
e) You mentioned the MA2B "battle rifle", while in TFOR the MA2B is designated a carbine version of the MA5B with a bult-in silencer.
d) Swords are a rather ineffective weapon, starting at about 1870 when repeating rifles became widespread. Especially in the military. I can understand how a Spartan could survive long enough to get close enough to use one, but you would think they would use something more compact like a knife. However, that's not important. It's your story, you can have swords if you want.
That's pretty much all I have to say, other than you needed a lot more description. It seemed like they were in and out of major firefights in a matter of seconds.
You can imrpove on this--I know you can. It was very good for a first story--this is your first story, right? Even if it's not, this was good. I give it an 8.25/10, which should give you a lot of room to improve.
Semper Fi
-Walker
|
simmons
1:21 am | September 12, 2003
nice story a story has love and battle in it lol
|
Kaboose
8:51 pm | September 11, 2003
oh...thanx MainEvent..i'll keep that in mine
|
Kaboose
8:51 pm | September 11, 2003
* Mind
|
Mainevent
7:17 pm | September 11, 2003
*paragraph
mah bad
|
Mainevent
7:15 pm | September 11, 2003
While a standard paragraph is supposed to encompass 5-7 sentences, in stories it is often better to only begin a new sentence when there is a break or pause in the action.
|
Kaboose
7:15 pm | September 11, 2003
Sergeant B, a paragraph is only supposed to have 5-7 sentences...
|
Kaboose
7:15 pm | September 11, 2003
Sergeant B, a paragraph is only supposed to have 5-7 sentences...
|
Sergeant B
6:59 pm | September 11, 2003
Okay. But you skip scenes alot. And don't start new paragraphs every 5 sentences or something. That's what happened to me also. It also needs a little more detail description. Good Luck Man.
|
Kaboose
6:57 pm | September 11, 2003
Thanx for the comments...i'll try my best to fix up Part 3!
|
someone
6:18 pm | September 11, 2003
Needs more details and more descriptive action.
|
hunterripper
5:38 pm | September 11, 2003
I think it should be a little longer though. Good story!
|
Hikaru-119
3:43 pm | September 11, 2003
Despite multiple grammatical errors that spell check doesn't grab you've got a good start. Work on your later installments a bit more and add some more "shine" to your work. Meaning more voilent details. It helps with the whole visualization thing.
|
|
