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The Answer to the Question that Nobody Asked
Posted By: skraeling<fyllop@yahoo.com>
Date: 18 July 2004, 1:34 AM
Read/Post Comments
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The Answer to the Question That Nobody Asked:
a comedy by skraeling
[Planet 44732, Final Years of Forerunner Migration]
Fifth Sophos relaxed himself before the holo panel. He softly activated the transmitters and sent out a call into slip space. Letting his mind wander, he lazily observed the status of the facility. The fungi native to this planet were beginning to grow three radians off the north apex of the outer structure. He was going to have to devise some system of keeping the fungi at bay. He couldn't keep sending the robotic Seneschals to burn it off.
The panel hummed as his call was finally answered.
"Fifth Sophos, hey there," First Aedile greeted him. "How's it going?"
"It is going well. I just called you to-"
"Whoa, hey, hold on a second. Where are you transmitting from?" First asked. "Is that REAL space?"
"Yes, I'm transmitting from real space." sighed Fifth.
"Yeah, I used to hang out in real space... back in the Stone Age, ha ha." First guffawed. "Seriously though, get with the times, slip space is the place to be. Everyone's here. You need to hang out with us instead of being cooped up in that lab of yours."
"I'll consider that."
"Hold on a second. I've got to run a diagnostic on my teleportation grid."
"Teleportation grid?"
"What? You don't have one?"
"You know I don't."
"Yeah, only two people in this sector have a teleportation grid, and the other one is named, Guilty Spark."
"That's great, now I'd like to tell you about-" a large shape skimmed past the screen. "Do you have to have your Seneschals hovering right in front of the transmitter!"
"What? Oh these, yeah, these are my personal Seneschals, top of the line. Oh, I see you have some of your own. What are those, the generic brand?"
"Maybe."
"I guess some people have no money... and no taste."
"That is too much! I've had enough of your higher than thou attitude!"
"I'm sorry. I offended you. Let me make it up to you over some mocha mesons. Oh, wait. You can't have any mocha mesons because you're stuck in real space. Ha ha! Seriously though, slip space makes real space look like a joke. Why don't you buy a house here, if you can afford-"
Fifth Sophos cut the transmission. He turned off the instruments. He was tired of the other Forerunners and their cocky attitude about living in slip space. So he had set out to find a new type of dimension that would rival slip space. Today he had accomplished just that. He intended to reveal this to First Aedile, but the conversation didn't go as planned, although that didn't surprise Fifth.
His discovery needed further investigation and experimentation, but that would have to wait for later. Right now he had to devise a way to keep those damn mushrooms from growing on his facility.
*
[Planet of the Connoisseurs of Fine Fungal Delights, three days after Hatu thought he saw a monster, which turned out to be a big rock]
The clouds hung low, and crawled in the air. They really had no place else to go. They looked like another landscape in the sky, undulating with hills of red and brown. Looking straight up Hatu felt like he was hovering over this land. He was floating above a land, he was falling towards it, and he was about to hit it.
"Aaaargh!" he screamed, "I'm falling towards the ground!"
"Hatu, you're staring at the clouds again."
"Or are we standing on the clouds and staring at the ground!"
Daka considered this for a moment.
"So you're saying we're cloud people?" burped Daka.
"No, that's silly," gurgled Hatu. "We're land people, who live on the clouds."
"Why would we leave the land to live on clouds?" burped Daka.
"Maybe we were banished there, for staring at clouds all day."
"You were staring at the clouds, I was trying to work," growled Daka.
"But being bond brothers we would both be banished," gurgled Hatu.
"Then let's get to work right now."
Uhaga Gura Hatu and Ehegu Gura Daka loped back through the fields of fungi. The spores produced by these mushrooms were sustenance and food for Hatu and Daka's species. Their entire culture revolved around the fungi. That was why their species was called Connoisseurs of Fine Fungal Delights. Many years later, they would be named Hunters, by an alien race, and for the sake of brevity will be referred to as such.
Each day the Hunters, Hatu and Daka, would have different tasks to perform. Some days they went out scavenging for growing materials and some days they harvested the spores. It was their duty this day, to protect this fungi farm from being invaded by the wild animals in the region.
Some of the mushrooms themselves were as tall as the Hunters. They were large, but soft, so the bond brothers had to tread carefully so as not to destroy any of the crops. Round tubes of fungus sprouted from the brown mist that hung low to the ground, there were bulbous domes with wrinkles and crags, and there were long fingers that reached towards the sky. The fields of fungi looked vaguely like a coral reef. If a Hunter had seen a coral reef on Earth he would have said, "That looks vaguely like a mushroom farm." But no Hunter had ever been to Earth, well, at least not yet.
Through the fields, Hatu noticed movement. He gargled to his brother. There was one of the very pests they were on the lookout for, a Hound. It was gently shaking the mushroom, knocking loose the spores and getting ready to coat them on its body.
"Hey!" Gargled Daka. "Get away, that's ours. Well not just ours, it's our entire community's. Well, it could be ours if we were the only ones to eat it. But even then it would technically still be the community's. Point is, get lost!"
The Hound howled at the Hunters, and refused to move.
"You look like you've had enough to eat as it is," gurgled Hatu.
"Yeah, you're fat. Go lose some weight." The two Hunters began jabbing the Hound's belly.
"Maybe he can't run away because he's too fat."
Jab.
"I bet he has high cholesterol."
Jab.
Although the Hound couldn't understand the words of the Hunters, the constant jabbing convinced him to leave. As the Hound turned, the Hunters shouted taunts at him.
"Do you really need more food with a belly like that?"
If the Hound could speak it would have cried out, "This isn't for me, it's for my family. I have a wife and kids, millions of kids." But the Hound couldn't speak, so it just ran far away from the Hunters. It had failed to get food for its family, and began to despair over what to do next. Just then his problem was solved as a circular piece of metal fell right on top of him.
Daka and Hatu looked up. The clouds had parted to allow a large object to pass through them. It was shaped vaguely like a drop of water. It hovered in the air, like a mushroom. A gigantic flying mushroom from outer space. From beneath it, a circular piece of metal fell to the ground. A purple column of light appeared in between the metal circle on the ground and the hole in the bottom of the hovering object.
"Well that's never happened before," gurgled Daka.
The Hunters loped closer to the object. They peeked through wild growth to see figures moving down the purple column of light to the circular metal platform. The figures were bulbous and purple and they floated over the ground.
"Mushroom people from the clouds!" gasped Hatu.
"They've come to invite us to live with them in their mushroom paradise!" growled Daka. "Run back to the sandstone caves and tell every one."
"Wait," growled Hatu. "Why do you want me to go back?"
"So you can bring back the village."
"Or is it because you want to be left alone with the Mushroom Men so you can travel to the clouds by yourself? I'm not leaving you alone."
"Oh fine, we'll both go and greet the mushroom people."
The Hunters slowly walked towards the purple light column. As they walked, another group descended down the column. These people were bipeds, like the Hunters, but were amazingly thin and spindly. Their formation and the tools they carried suggested they were warriors of some sort. These Spindly Soldiers formed a circle around the metal platform. Then a lone figure descended. It had golden horns on its head, and it sat in half of a metal eggshell, which hovered above the ground.
"Why is it sitting in that floating eggshell?" murmured Daka.
"Maybe it is too weak to walk," gurgled Hatu.
Too-weak-to-walk glided forward, surrounded by the Spindly Soldiers. Behind them trailed a few of the Mushroom Men. The entourage stopped before the two Hunters. A Mushroom Man floated forward, pushing a large metal egg, and then it retreated. One of the Spindly Soldiers stepped forward and touched the egg a few times. It spoke in a thick, growly language. Then the egg spoke back to him in the same voice. It pointed at the Hunters, then pointed at the egg.
"What do you suppose he wants?" gurgled Hatu.
"I think he wants us to free his kinsman who is stuck inside the egg," gurgled Daka.
"Makes sense," Hatu growled as he gave the egg a powerful whack. The egg was driven into the soft earth by the Hunter's arm.
*
"Why the devil did it just hit the Dynamic Translation Unit?" asked the shocked Prophet of Moderate Vagueness.
"I do not know, Your Excellency," replied the Elite Commander Jus 'Kilamee. "But at least we know these potential allies are strong."
"These are simpletons and fools," said the Prophet.
"Maybe it only seems that way to us because they are so different," suggested 'Kilamee.
"Stop being an idiot," muttered the Prophet.
"Why are you so hostile to me," whined 'Kilamee.
"You are being insubordinate."
"No I'm not. I'm offering advice. You can't be sure about everything."
"Of course I'm sure of everything! I am a Prophet! That's what I do!"
"Oh right. Just like you were sure that we could safely land on that moon two weeks ago, except as soon as we landed we got hit by an asteroid," said 'Kilamee.
"Hey! That asteroid came out of NOWHERE. It was like it just popped out of slip space," said the Prophet.
"Uh huh, right, cause asteroids do that all the time," snickered 'Kilamee.
"This right here. This is that insubordinate attitude of yours that just ticks me off." There was an awkward silence. "Repair this unit," the Prophet said to the Engineers.
*
Hatu and Daka watched as the Mushroom Men picked up the egg, twiddled their tentacles all over its surface, and then retreated. The Spindly Soldier had a conversation with another Soldier. Then he had a conversation with the egg. Then it pointed at the two Hunters.
"Well clearly living in the clouds has made them go insane," gurgled Daka.
"What do they want from us?" growled Hatu.
"Gurgle gurgle burp grooj," went the egg.
"Look the egg is talking like a baby," gurgled Daka.
"Maybe there is a Hunter baby inside of it," gurgled Hatu.
"There can't be a baby Hunter inside."
"Why not?"
"Don't you know where baby Hunters come from?" burped Daka.
"Of course I do," gurgled Hatu. There was a pause, "But where do they come from?"
"I'm not telling you because you don't know," gurgled Hatu.
"I know."
"Then prove it."
"I don't want to."
During this whole exchange the egg mumbled to itself and repeated the Hunters' phrases.
"What is the egg saying now?" burped Hatu.
"Hey egg! What are you saying?" growled Daka.
There was a pause then the egg gurgled out, "5tup1d n00b WTF U R r3tard and I best sLaY3R ebcause U suxorz BITCH. I sPnKr U and do ur mom. LOL jst jk."
"What did it just say to us?" growled Daka.
"I think the baby inside that egg has an underdeveloped brain," gurgled Hatu.
"There's no baby inside the egg."
"Well whatever it is, it is mentally disabled or it insulted us."
"Either way..." growled Daka and gave the egg a powerful swipe with his claws.
*
"Why the devil did it hit the egg AGAIN?" Prophet of Moderate Vagueness had almost increased the decibel of his voice, he was so angry.
"Your Excellency," spoke 'Kilamee. "I think it was the second alien that hit the egg this time."
"I do not care. Bring the reserve Translation Unit. I don't care how long it takes, we will make contact with these orange monsters."
It took only half a day. Although to the Prophet of Moderate Vagueness it felt much longer due to the frustration of speaking with these Connoisseurs of Fine Fungal Delights. Even the stoic Jus 'Kilamee began losing his patience.
Once the backup Translation Unit had been brought out, they were able to keep the Hunters from hitting it long enough to start a conversation. Although that conversation could hardly be called progress.
"We wish to make a pact with your people," Jus 'Kilamee spoke for the Prophet.
"That's fantastic, will you take us to your mushroom paradise in the clouds?" burped the one named Daka.
"You will have passage to paradise if you join us," spoke 'Kilamee. "We will also give you gifts: artifacts of the Forerunners."
"And in exchange we will give you mushrooms," gurgled the one name Hatu.
"We don't want mushrooms." 'Kilamee tightened his mandibles.
"Oh, but we have very good mushrooms. This is the Oboturu Valley, we grow some of the best," gurgled Hatu.
"We don't want your rotten mushrooms," snarled 'Kilamee.
"Oh, we make sure there are no rotten ones," gurgled Daka.
"Is there some sort of leader or council we can speak with?" asked 'Kilamee through clenched mandibles.
"There's the All-mother. Follow us."
And as easily as that the Prophet and his entourage were lead towards the sandstone caves the Hunters called home. The introduction between the Prophet and the matriarch of the Hunters went well, until the All-mother offered them mushrooms.
"While we speak of this pact, let us give you mushrooms as a token of our friendship," the All-mother gurgled.
"We do not want mushrooms," spoke 'Kilamee.
"Are you sure? They are very good, this is the Oboturu Valley after all," The All-mother took a mushroom from an attendant and tapped the spores onto her skin.
"We are quite sure," said 'Kilamee.
"We have some mushrooms from the Itokiju Caves if you'd prefer those," gurgled the All-Mother.
"Our bodies are incapable of digesting spores," said 'Kilamee. "We are only capable of digesting solid flesh, like the entire mushroom itself."
"Well then why didn't you say so? Here eat the flesh of the mushroom," gurgled the All-mother.
'Kilamee decided that if he did this one thing he could stop the Hunters from nagging.
"Very well, I will eat your mushroom. And so will the rest of my squad." He wasn't going to be the only one to suffer through this meal.
The fungus was worse than foul, but at least the talks could continue.
"You want to give us valuable gifts. But what do you want in return?" burped the All-mother.
"We would like for some of your warriors to travel with us," said 'Kilamee as he choked down the fungus. "We would like exclusive possession of the structures on your planet that once belonged to the Forerunners and all items contained within them."
"What structures are you talking about?" burped the All-mother.
"The enormous metal spire that can be seen from your cave," spoke 'Kilamee.
"Oh that," gurgled All-mother. "Why do you want that? You can't grow mushrooms on it."
"We will find some use for it," growled 'Kilamee.
The negotiations were almost painful. But the Hunters were strong and willing to join the Covenant, and the Prophet didn't want to subject them through force unless it was utterly necessary. The Elites were surly from having to eat the mushrooms. The Hunters were confused over the Covenant's interest in the structure, and thus difficult to hold a conversation with.
It was all worth it though, for what lay beneath. The Engineers had quickly gotten through all the locked doors and inspected the structure. Apparently it ran a mild charge across its outside surface that repelled any dirt or spores that would otherwise cling to it. The structure had been the residence and laboratory of a powerful Forerunner. But that all paled to what they had found beneath.
The Prophet of Moderate Vagueness hovered at the edge of the portal. An elliptical helix hung in the air. It seemed like just decoration, but was much more. The Prophet had deciphered the holo panels and knew that this was the greatest treasure of the planet. It was a door to another dimension, an alternate universe, whose power could not be comprehended. According to the holo panels, the philosopher who worked here never had a chance to study it to any great extent.
"Your Excellency, it is astounding," spoke 'Kilamee.
"You cannot even comprehend how astounding it truly is," replied the Prophet as he tapped at the holo panel.
The air within the ellipse churned and with a soft thump a creature tumbled out of the ellipse. The creature was covered with black hair. Its snout was black. On top of its head was a bizarrely shaped helm made of some yellow, synthetic material. The creature looked at the Elite and the Prophet.
"What the hell is this? Some sort of joke?" growled the creature.
"The creature is mocking us, should I kill it?" asked 'Kilamee.
"As you will," said the Prophet.
The Elite fired its plasma rifle at the creature. The black hair burst into flames that consumed the creatures body. It shouted profanity at the two Covenant as it burned. When the fire died down, 'Kilamee thought the creature was dead, but it was alive and intact. The black fur had been just a suit covering up the real creature. It stood up, its fur suit gone, and its synthetic helm half melted. The creature beneath the suit had soft skin. It was bipedal like an elite. But its face was bizarre and alien in appearance.
"Sometimes I think its just not worth getting up in the morning. Every time I meet a couple of morons like you I remember why," said the alien.
"It is mocking us again. I think. Should I grenade it this time?" asked 'Kilamee.
"And risk damaging this facility, I think not," said the Prophet. "Creature, what are you and where do you come from?"
"Why don't you prophesy an answer to that? I'm busy."
The creature turned its back to the Covenant. There was the sound of a liquid hitting metal and a pungent odor filled the air.
"It is urinating on the holy relic! Throw it back through the portal!" shouted the Prophet.
The elite grabbed the creature and hurled it back into the ellipse.
*
[Bungie Studios, April 2004]
The Bungie Webmaster walked past the computers, half naked and with a partially melted styrofoam cowboy hat on his head.
"Hey Webmaster we've missed you."
"I was only gone for a couple minutes," muttered the Webmaster.
"Actually you were gone for two years."
"Well time passes differently in alternate dimensions," said the Webmaster.
"Sounds like fun. What happened to your suit?"
"Your mom got a little rough pulling it off. And yeah, she was fun."
The Webmaster walked into the server room and sat down at his computer. He checked all the work that had piled up.
"Dumbass emails," he muttered.
Harold walked through the door.
"Hey you're back! Where've you been?" asked Harold
"Peeing."
"For two years?"
"I drink a lot."
*
[Onboard the Covenant ship Uncertain Didactic, five minutes before the hallucinogenic mushrooms take their effect on the Elites]
"I wanted to kill it," muttered 'Kilamee.
"It's not about what you want," replied the Prophet of Moderate Vagueness.
"Oh but its all about what you want is it?"
"What do you want me to do?" asked the frustrated Prophet. "Should I discover a time machine so we can go back and kill that thing? Is that what you want?"
"Well, it doesn't have to be the exact same one. I'm willing to kill another one just like it."
"All you ever want to do is kill things."
"Because you never let me do anything else."
"You don't have any skills other than killing," muttered the Prophet.
"That is just not fair. I could be working on any other ship. But I chose yours, and all I ask in return for my hard work is that you let me kill things," said 'Kilamee.
"Well, the next time we see a creature like that, feel free to kill it," said the Prophet. "Right now we need to send the video surveillance of that creature to the rest of the Covenant."
The Prophet looked at the Elite. The Elite looked back at the Prophet.
"You did take video surveillance of the creature didn't you?" asked the Prophet.
"Oh, is that my job now, video surveillance?" asked 'Kilamee. "I thought all I could do was kill things."
"Just give me the video," said the Prophet. "We need to inform the others about this species of defilers."
"Is it just me or were you always a three headed llama?"
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