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Comments for 'The Slaughter of the 105th Drop Jet Platoon' |
Dave Luck
5:40 pm | July 9, 2004
Hah!
Read this one:
This was brought to you by:
"Geek-World Spyware"
Simply install, and run. No, I mean, RUN!!!
----------------------------------------
Geez! When will these damn product endorsements ever stop?!
Okay, I don't have too much time on my hands. The only thing is, I type really fast. In fact, I can almost type as fast as I talk, which would be, pretty fast.
Anyhow, I know that the Fall of Reach was far from a masterpiece anyhow. It was the only thing I could devour for a month, because I had packed away my books due to a small room-renovation. So I guess no harm done? Right?
I don't ever shut up. I'd rather be punished than remain silent! Up the Revolution! Oh, wait, that's a different line. I'm not afraid to speak my mind, as you can plainly see.
- Dave.
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Chuckles
4:24 am | June 28, 2004
Sean, it seems that you have a great idea for a story. If you could move your writing away from a stiff, historical account of what happened and into more of a play-by-play, action-as-it-is-happening style, the story would be much better.
They call it "Show, don't tell" in writing class, and it helps keep the pacing of your story crisp. It is something any of us who write fiction have to wrestle with.
Keep writing. Pacing takes practice, and you seem to have good story ideas.
C.T. Clown
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Kaizen
4:30 pm | June 25, 2004
Great story but really choppy. Alot of room for improvement. Also Dave DO YOU EVER SHUT UP!?
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CoLd BlooDed
3:23 pm | June 25, 2004
I don't think Dave Luck has too much time on his hands. Comments don't take that long to type up.
Anyways, we can use his credibility around here at HBO, if he wants people to write better, then let him give advice.
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Walker
1:35 pm | June 25, 2004
Things have changed so much in the past fifty years it's okay if you're at least within range, 1000 was a regiment all the way up to WWII for sure, maybe beyond. It doesn't really matter as long as you're close to the mark. Which this author wasn't.
300 in a 30 man platoon?
-Walker
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Nick Kang
12:18 pm | June 25, 2004
A battalion is, I think, 360-700 men.
NK
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white grunt
11:31 am | June 25, 2004
i think a squad is around 6 men
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Helljumpers
4:21 am | June 25, 2004
Battalions are 4 platoons, so lets say 140 per company times 4 is 560. 1000 is way too much. So few officers can't command so many. Maybe in the revoluntary war days
ODST
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Agent Shade
2:02 am | June 25, 2004
wtf? i thought a battalion was like 1000 marines?
can someone verify if this site is right please:
http://www.fact-index.com/m/mi/military_unit.html
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Nick Kang
12:43 am | June 25, 2004
Right now I am looking at a paper pinned to my wall that lists the Military Groups and their amount of soldiers. Blue Jaguar was right about everything except squad.
Fireteam--3-7 men
Squad--8-12 men
The story was okay, but you do need to read the books(again if you already have). The grammar was pretty bad, and the spelling was no better. I will give you credit for not blowing up when people criticize your work. Some people do that and it drives me INSANE!! Usually skilled authors remain calm and reply without insulting anyone :)
NK
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Helljumper
12:09 am | June 25, 2004
There were so many problems with this story. YOu need to read the book and probably play the game some more. to 343 SB, they aren't ODST, he didn't make the mistake of making them ODST, so i'm fine with his crappy story.
ODST
learn ya facts
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Blue Jaguarq
9:41 pm | June 24, 2004
a platoon that is 300 in size is just as impressive, 300 would be battalion size. A platoon would be anywhere between 20 and 60 or so.
Squad- usually 5-15 men, most often 12
Platoon- several squads, usually maybe 36 men or so, 3 squads.
Company- basically 2 or 3 platoons, maybe 4. so around 100 men or so
Battalion- about 3 companies, so about 300 men or so
Regiment- about 3 or 4 battalions so 900 to 1000 men
Brigade and Division, i think u've gotten it figured out by now.
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Agent Shade
8:42 pm | June 24, 2004
3 Pelican dropships hold 300 marines? wow...
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SeverianofUrth
5:31 pm | June 24, 2004
Dave Luck, I have a feeling that you have WAY too much time on your hands...
The thing is, most people don't pay as much attention to fanfics as they do when they are submitting them for publication. And it's a little too much to expect symbolism similar to that of "The Lord of the Flies" or "To Kill a Mockingbird" or "For Whom the Bell Tolls". It's simply ridiculous.
And as for your comment that you aren't a harsh commentor...
And I don't think that "The Fall of Reach" was a masterpiece. Fun for a Halo-Fan like me and you and everyone else here, but it's just average. And allusions to the Pearl Harbor has been done to death, with countless space-faring alien-blasting guns-n-grenades SF.
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343 Salty Beans
4:39 pm | June 24, 2004
Way too many grammar and punctuation mistakes to flow smoothly. You need help with English...is it your first language? And Helljumper won't be pleased when he sees your ODST persona.
343SB
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Dave Luck
4:21 pm | June 24, 2004
A few spelling errors, some grammatical errors.
I've begun a rating system. I've rated the story against
1: What is expected of the Halo Fanfic section (Very lenient standards)
2: Professional standards (very high standards.)
Please, don't think I'm a ruthless critic. I just want everyone to write well, and show greater meaning than just:
"...Fred fired a three round burst. The elite's shields went dead. Kelly fired her pistols. One round penetrated the Elite's leg. The crunch of breaking bones was accentuated by the Elite's anguished howl of pain and rage. The other round penetrated its long, angular head, followed by another burst from Fred's rifle. The Elite flopped to the ground, blood staining the tiled floor of Section-III..."
There's no satire, symbolism, or philosophical meaning whatsoever in that little blurb above. Read some professional literature such as:
Golding's "Lord of the Flies"
Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men."
Look beyond the literal meaning. Look for symbolic references. Look for philosophical terms. In "Lord of the Flies" Look for the greater meaning, satire and Irony - of human nature.
If you look in "The Fall of Reach" Reach symbolised a Deja Vu. Pearl Harbor. It is saying in short, that "History repeats itself."
The Flood stands for itself and a greater meaning - not only total devastation, but also a blight - a disease. What does a disease do? Deform its victims. The Flood symbolizes Halo's ugly side, as well as darkness falling over the world in Revelations of the bible - Halo's final weapon. That is not only symbolism, but also allusion - alluding to the bible.
This story contains no symbolism or philosophical meaning whatsoever.
------------------------------------------
Expected of the Fanfic section.
Ratings (Based on averages in the Fanfic)
Writing style.
4/10 - Somewhat interesting, but lacking. Sentences flat, but clear.
Reader friendliness
6/10 - Code is missing. Some grammatical errors. Some difficult time switching.
Spelling
7/10 - Some incorrect abbreviations, such as till used.
Excitement
3/10 - Good ideas, but sentence structure is poor, taking away much of thrill.
Philosophical value, symbolism, satire.
Not applicable at this time.
-----------------------------------------
Compared to professional writing
Writing Style
0/10 - Flat and lifeless. Sentences incoherent and jumbled.
Reader friendliness
3/10 - Jumbled and unformatted.
Spelling
0/10 - Incorrect abbreviations used. NEVER use till or other incorrect abbreviations, such as 'a lot' unless a character speaks like that.
Excitement
0/10 - Poor grammar and incoherent sentences, as well as very basic sentence structure and language take away most of the excitement.
Word usage
Basic set.
Grammar
0/10 - most past tenses and tenses not used.
Philosophical values, Satire, symbolism
0/10 - no mention. All literal meaning.
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Sean
4:17 pm | June 24, 2004
Thanks guys. I know I forgot to use the code and I'm sorry.
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Wiley
2:02 pm | June 24, 2004
What Walker said.
7/10
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Black Titan
1:28 pm | June 24, 2004
There is a 17 year gap between Jericho and Sigma Octanus.
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Walker
1:26 pm | June 24, 2004
"No, this is not good." -Jet
Use the code. Make new paragraphs when a different speaker talks. Take a grammar lesson. All this will be a big help if you're trying to get good reviews.
However, unlike Jet, "this is my first"--or second--"story" is not an excuse to me. In my first story I used the code, made new paragraphs, and got all 9's rating-wise. It wasn't that great a story, but being reader-friendly makes a big difference.
6.5/10.
Good luck to you.
-Walker
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Jet
11:40 am | June 24, 2004
No, this is not good.
First of all, the story was nothing but grammatical errors. Your grammar needs practice.
Secondly, you switched time and place a bit wierdly. You write that Sarge dies four days after the day of the story, and then you return and write about the snipers.
Third, more detail. Not "and then he dies and he shoots him and kills that". Read some of the other stories to see how they describe things.
But this is your second story, so you have time to improve.
Sorry about being so harsh. Practice makes perfect.
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