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Comments for 'Chapter 5 A New Enemy' |
harley
6:42 am | March 21, 2003
The story was good, and dang I need to get back on writing my stories haven't been here in awhile.
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monitor101
7:25 pm | March 13, 2003
Thanx for the comments keep them coming.
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monitor101
12:09 pm | March 13, 2003
I noticed some errors but I was typing fast not knowing what I was typing.
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Jeff Graham
7:05 am | March 13, 2003
I like it. The story, as far as I can tell, sticks pretty close to your goal. Nice writibg, but you need to watch for grammar, as do I. Damn grammar, can't live with it, can't write without it. :(, I can't win. Ha, heep'em coming.
Now I just have to read your others...
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Wado
4:20 am | March 13, 2003
Okay, you called the Grunts "The brainless Grunts" but it really didn't stand out to me like the first time. Just forget about it.
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Wado
4:20 am | March 13, 2003
Hey monitor101, now I feel dumb. I went back to re-read your story (I liked it better the second time) and I could not find one place where you called the Grunts stupid. My appologizes, forget about all the comments I made in relation to that. Excellent writing, just work on better grammar and maybe add a bit more suspense.
I don't know what I was reading/remembering before.
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Wado
3:47 am | March 13, 2003
Hey, I like how a hit and run attack on a Covenant patrol turned into an ambush with all hell breaking loose. I'd say your story was pretty good, Steele is right though, the grammar wasn't up to par with what I expect from you. You might use the preview story more to help fix mistakes and to see where you might want to add an additional line break to space out paragraphs better.
This sort of a long comment I'm making here, I hope it is useful to you. The only two suggestions I have about the story is perhaps try to add more foreshadowing and treat the Covenant with more respect. About the foreshadowing, what I mean is just give a hint of suspense before all hell breaks lose. Something simple like, "this is too easy, it doesn't feel right" or more ellaborate like, "I'm getting some sensor feedback, probably just shadows, should we check it out sir?...No let's take care of this Covenant patrol and get out of here..."
About treating the Covenant with more respect, the characters in the story can think what they want but you as the narrator called the Grunts dumb. What exactly good is calling them dumb? Try to use more immediate to the point descriptions like instead of dumb, use confused or scared out of their wits, or careless. I wouldn't call anyone pointing a plasma weapon at me dumb, would you? Besides, the marines were the dumb ones, they didn't effectively scout out the area first, they didn't catch the Covenant in a crossfire, they didn't secure their escape route, they lost contact with the Sarge and didn't know where he was, and they didn't call in firesupport. The Covenant on the other hand, set up an ambush, caught the marines in a cross fire, used combined arms (yes the Banshee was there), and pretty much kept the marines on the defensive. I would think with the exception of Stacker, the Covenant would scare the heck out of the marines.
On the other hand, your stories have very good action, I say you have a talent for writing action and good attention to detail. Keep up the writing, I'm looking forward to reading more.
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Steele
2:30 am | March 13, 2003
A good story. The few things I thought were wrong were:
1. Not enough use of commas. Commas are good and help people understand alot better.
2. Every time a different character speaks it should be a new paragraph.
Other than the grammatical errors (which would have made the story alot easier to read) the story was good. The reason I presume to tell you about grammatical stuff, is well simply I read alot. I mean alot. I read at least 2 to 3 thick books a week, ranging from Sci-Fi to Fantasy to Techno Thrillers. Sci-Fi is still my favorite though. ALso English One really clears this stuff up.
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monitor101
2:21 am | March 12, 2003
I tried to follow the story line of Sigma Octanus as much as possible.
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