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Comments for 'The Last Days of Master Chief Part 1/10' |
Big Kitty
12:25 am | March 31, 2004
i think there should be a ham in part two. Damn, you could turn this into a comedy.................................................................. not
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Big Kitty
12:25 am | March 31, 2004
And the master chief did'nt get touched during this at all?
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Big Kitty
12:25 am | March 31, 2004
And the master chief did'nt get touched during this at all?
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CoLd BlooDed
5:17 am | March 28, 2004
Yeah, I agree with Flu too, it wasn't a story, it was the manual but instead of describing the game it described what the MC does with Covenant (and his favourite foods and the hated vitamins in which he killed). Still, big step from "War of the Grunts", like JJigg said.
You still have quite a ways to go, however, and the line to writing decently is somewhere in the range of high-powered binoculars. Use them well!
But anyways, if you start flamin' other criticismers...er...yeah, criticismers; you have a chance at becoming one of the most hated authors on HBO. Don't fall to the evil side!
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CoLd BlooDed
12:56 pm | March 27, 2004
Hey, I can write a fucking story! :D
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Funkster
5:35 am | March 27, 2004
Dont' worry man most of these people sound mad but they want to help you, trust me your story can't be worse than mine. These guys may sound mean, some of them might actually be jerks but most just want to help you. So just keep writing as long as it makes you happy or if for no better reson than to anger the people who don't like it.
Keep it up it can onl get better.
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Flu
6:31 pm | March 26, 2004
LOL JJigg...I've got to do a funny story next. Somehow, It's got to have ham.
David, you have truly got a phenomenon going here. Look at all the lives you've brightened with just one ham. Please don't take any of this personal...Chalk this up to the law of unintended consequences (*of ham*)
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Some Guy
12:18 pm | March 26, 2004
This was retarded bullshit. I just can't wait for the next part! Oh my god! What a WONDER that will be!!! Dude, stop writing.
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GunBunnyNess
5:55 am | March 26, 2004
The story was hard to follow and kept switching from past and present tense. It made for a very tough and yet *no offense* laughable read. Keep trying though.
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JJiggssaw
4:23 am | March 26, 2004
[MC wipes food off mouth with napkin]
MC:
"Man, nothing like a good ham in the middle of a firefight!And ooh.....I see some vitamins need to be killed."
Narrator:
"Bugs Bunny vitamins can help YOU fight the Covenant too, kids, just like your hero the Master Cheif."
{END FILM}
ahem, 'scuse me. no offence. Mr Li, this IS a big step up from The War of the Grunts. Flu has pretty much constructively-critised you out, so all I can say is keep trying, youre getting better all the time. (I used to get mad at my school, but i cant complain etc.)
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a concerned citizen
1:23 am | March 26, 2004
no offense, but that sucked, you could do much better amd I agree with Stitch, hard to follow, bad dialogue and bad plot, also make the Master Chief take on a bigger challenge and describe the battle better
WUTS UP WITH THE HAM!
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Flu
11:37 pm | March 25, 2004
That's cool "someone". It was an extra long post for a reason. Specifically to show David (and others) the serious structural problems the piece had. Sorry for all the "independent clause" and "infinitive case" lingo, but if you know the right terms, you can look them up. Hell, maybe you can even prove me wrong.
I coulda' done it in an e-mail, but I wanted to be on record as showing the structural problems and then ending it the way I did: by saying, "Don't be discouraged...keep writing!"
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someone
11:08 pm | March 25, 2004
hey sup Flu. try to shorten ur post in the comment section, because (no offense) but im sure some people dont even no what the hell ur talking about.
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Thomas Harper
11:08 pm | March 25, 2004
chill david! calm down we're just trying to help. u should listen to them.
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Some Guy
1:27 am | March 25, 2004
Hey, he left his email address....
(grins evilly)
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Mainevent
9:36 pm | March 24, 2004
If you want a better story then read mine. :)
*end shameless promotion*
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Flu
1:48 pm | March 24, 2004
Relax man. We’re trying to help, but if you want specifics, here ya go.
I joked that it was a poem b/c only in a poem would an author try to switch tenses this much. You switch tenses a lot. And not just in the same paragraph. You switch tenses in the same sentence some places. Take the first paragraph. The first sentence is past tense. The second is present. The third is past, but the fourth has two dependent clauses and the first is past tense, but the second is present tense?? The last two sentences are infinitive case – you know – future tense. That’s every single tense in ONE paragraph (And those last two infinitives are independent clauses, not phrases in a past tense sentence that refer to the future – there is a difference. You use that correctly later when you say, “David Li JUMPED into the warthog that MC WOULD BE DRIVING.”)
This tense switching goes on and on, but in the fourth paragraph you do something else weird. You switch perspective. Up to this point the perspective has been essentially third person omniscient, but the last line of paragraph 4 is first person. Who has this thought? Is it you, is it MC? Should it have read: MC thought to himself, “I wonder who would think it’s just nothing?” That would work just fine.
Whoever heard the word “Anyway” to begin a prose sentence? This is called a colloquialism ie using everyday talking speech, but it’s place is in quotes, not in the text.
There are some serious sentence fragments in there. There is one single independent clause in the following paragraph, but it has a comma fault: “Machine guns firing, Jackhammer Missile Launchers bursting, and the all-too-common plasma and needles, which are all part of the normal day. By 2 minutes every marine was dead, 40 aliens in front of the Master Chief, and no time to flip over the Scorpion.”
The only independent clause here is “By 2 minutes every marine was dead.” But you don’t end that sentence with a period, you use a comma and then follow it up with two separate dependent clauses.
I could detail it all if you want, but maybe that’s what you want the e-mail for. Iv’e done my part…and don’t be discouraged…. keep writing
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The Author
1:12 pm | March 24, 2004
Email me at davidli3126@yahoo.com and tell me that you can write a fuckin story
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Thomas Harper
12:53 pm | March 24, 2004
hey poopoo have u ever thought that maybe its u that smells?
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poopoo
12:42 pm | March 24, 2004
Ahem, Somthin smells.
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poopoo
12:42 pm | March 24, 2004
Somthin smells.
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poopoo
12:42 pm | March 24, 2004
Somthin smells
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Flu
3:20 am | March 24, 2004
MC: "Mmmmmmm......ham"
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Some Guy
2:53 am | March 24, 2004
why the fuck would Mc take precious time from the defense of earth and eat a god damn ham?
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Thomas Harper
10:14 pm | March 23, 2004
sup david! hows landmark? o about ur story one thing i have to point out is try using something else besides said and replied. it was better than ur last one though.
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Flu
7:27 pm | March 23, 2004
Okay. I'm thinking we all missed the deeper meaning here. This is not a story; it's a very long poem about what MC would do with covies in NYC. That's how you wrote it - with a lot of switching of tenses and all disconnected.
Change the whole thing into second person and you've got one wacky epic poem!
But it's not a very good short story as it stands. Try this. Take the whole idea and rewrite it without looking at this peice, but first, focus only on what MC sees. Write all that down. Then focus only on what MC hears. Then write all that down. etc etc. Another exercise is to read something and focus all your attention on what the characters in the story see, hear, feel and smell. Translate that to your stories.
And...
I am sorry if you guys get tired of hearing this same speech over and over again, but trust me it works.
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Stitch
6:31 pm | March 23, 2004
Poorly written. Also hard to follow. Alot more effort could have been put into dialogue and plot.
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Chris Dragonlance
2:53 pm | March 23, 2004
Ahem, not a good as it could be......
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