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Comments for 'The Shadows - Part 3: The Covenant' |
el_halo_diablo
3:14 pm | September 8, 2002
And with Wado, plan B's seem to always be more affective than plan A's...remember that Wado?. Anyway the story I though, was pretty good, only because of the 1 on 1 fight between the Elite and the main character. For some reason, I could really visualize that scene, and for some reson, I was playing that Matrix song in my head while I was reading that part. But like Wado said: 5 min. later and 5 shadows were dead, and how that wasn't the right way to put it. Thats just not the right way to put it...it sounds like your an old man telling this story about these people called 'shadows' to your kids: "Ah yes where were we?"The old man said,"Ah yes, then 5 shadows died....the rest is all and blank until I remember that 5 MORE shadows die....umm...DAMMIT SOMEONE GET ME MY METAMUSAL!!!!!!"
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Wado
9:14 am | September 8, 2002
Hey, where's all the comments for this story?
Well I'll write something. I only read your story because it didn't have any comments, the last parts put me to sleep.
I'm glad I read it, this one had some good potential. You write nicely too. Keep it up.
Some suggestions: I think you might be moving the story too fast. To me the story read like a debriefing rather than something the reader could experience. 5 Shadows die in less than a paragraph and then you spend like half a page on a fight between the main character and an Elite. Well I guess what I mean is that if you are going to skip through like that, try referring to it in the past. Instead of telling us that it took 30 minutes and 5 Shadows died for example -- Just skip to the good parts and say something like, "When the Shadows reached the hanger bay, there were five less of them. The journey there had taken 30 minutes and cost the lives of..."
Otherwise, I think that it okay with a lot of potential. The next mission sounds like a good one, can't hardly wait. Oh, and just one more thing, please have the Shadows have a plan B whenever possible. It never was a sure thing that the Spartans would arrive. Plan B might have been an escape back through the ventilation system or something like that, not something that they had to come up with on the fly.
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