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Comments for 'New Lunar HQ' |
master cheif # 117
11:51 pm | October 30, 2003
dude shay that was so cool i only read the first
chapter but im going to read the rest O.K. SEEYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Controller
11:42 am | July 31, 2003
Good story. I agree with previously posted comments about tense and paragraphs. Keep it up.
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Fleet Admiral
8:42 pm | July 29, 2003
I will try all of this in my next chapter.
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Fleet Admiral
6:54 pm | July 27, 2003
I am new at this. I am trying you know.
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Alpha Lance
1:41 am | July 27, 2003
You need to indent "spacebar" at the begining paragraph,"bcause Stone Cold said so."This is from a loyal fan of Halo and Stone Cold Steve Austin,3:16!
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'Nosolee
11:56 am | July 26, 2003
Good, your stories will be better if you fix up the below mentioned errors, abviously. I agree with pj-NYkr90 in that you should make the story worded a bit better, it makes the story more enjoyable to the reader. 8.5/10.
(I seem to post comments like that a lot)
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nicholas
6:38 pm | July 25, 2003
Oh yes, I really love how you change from present to past tense just to confuse us. How very wonderful of you.
Shape up the tenses a bit kid.
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pj-NYkr90
6:00 pm | July 25, 2003
okay, u should write in paragraph form dude.
put an [indent] in front of the new paragraph. Second, [indent] when a new person speaks. It makes things look a lot better and is also less confusing. Finally, at more detail to your battles. For example:
The Entierprise charged her weapons, her crew tense.
"Sir, we're taking hits from Seraphs. The damn bastards are targeting our CIWS(close in weapons system).
"Well, do somethin' about it Lieutenant."
"Yes, sir." The Lieutenant ordered two fighter squadrons to take out the additional threat. But the Enterprise's prime threat, is still alive and well.
"What's our charge?"
"90%."
"Fire when ready."
"Yes sir." As if on cue from the Captain's order, the MAC guns reached their maximum charge. The bridge crew felt the Enterprise lurch backwards and watched as the sliver of metal was launched and then ripped through space. The rail penetrated the Covenant destroyer's shields on impact. They flickered twice and then finally cut off.
Taking the initiative to end the threat, the Captain orders the weapons lieutenant, Pamela Nunez, to fire the Archer missles. Two-hundred missles screamed toward the destroyer. Little bubbly explosions pop up all over the Covenant ship's hull. Then, a missle must have hit the plasma batteries or some serious weapons bays because she erupted in a fireball explosion...
Anyway, your story should be something like that, not just, we hit that, we missed that. Also, make it suspensful. The above excerpt wasn't given a lot of time or effort to be created in. Well good luck. Your story earns a 8/10
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Steele
12:45 pm | July 25, 2003
Fix your tenses, man.
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Arkile
6:18 am | July 25, 2003
Compaq and Creative... hehehe
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