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Comments for 'After First Strike: part two' |
Elliott2020
1:39 pm | June 20, 2004
He didnt kill him. Read the story.
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The Lonesome Grunt
9:41 pm | June 19, 2004
I agree with 343 Salty Beans, First Master Chief would never kill Ackerson, reason number one the Master chief would be sent to military prison or killed so think about it. The grammar is off and names are start with Capital letters common you know that.
P.s More detail.
Going to be alone for a bit.
The Lonesome Grunt
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Sean
5:58 pm | June 19, 2004
:claps: Alot better then the last one but work on everyones personality a bit better.
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343 Salty Beans
12:03 am | June 19, 2004
Not only what the others said, but you had poor regard for grammar and format protocol.
1. After every piece of dialogue, if there is a piece from another person, It starts a brand new paragraph.
2. Mispelled words. For instance, what the hell is puicing? Did you mean puking?
3. Use the pseudocode for italics on the name of the sub. For italics, put [i] before the block of text you want italicized, and [/i] afterwards.
Ship names like Gettysburg, Gadget, etc. always are italicized.
4. MC persona is off. The Chief would not slam down his fist on a table, nor would he take Ackerson's life out of spite or defense. Even for his trial for his MARK V MJOLNIR armor, he never killed any of the Marines.
Basically, he wouldn't have killed Ackerson-probably just disarmed him.
5. You need more detail. Without detail, stories seem short and choppy.
Other than that, decent job.
343SB
Of all the things in life, I like nitpicking the best.
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MC's Cousin
7:51 pm | June 18, 2004
Well the whole MC Ackerson thing was off. Simply because the attitutes pu on everyone were off.
I'm not so sure they would be able to fix the Gettysburg, depending on how damaged it was. And in that day and age, ships are built in space, so good luck on pushing it thtough the atmosphere.
Overall it was much better. You have improved and are adding new elements that made this story better. Keep working.
Signing Off
MCC
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INDUSTRIAL_aVATAR
5:58 pm | June 18, 2004
Excellent! this stuff is turnig out great! Just make sure you include some fighting later on
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The Lonesome Grunt
12:23 pm | June 18, 2004
Better than the first
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The Lonesome Grunt
12:23 pm | June 18, 2004
Plus Spartans are not afraid of death.
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Nick Kang
12:02 pm | June 18, 2004
Yes, I noticed that you made use of the comma. Good work, you're improving.
NK
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OpeningAct
11:26 am | June 18, 2004
A little better, but none of the spartans are 'afraid' of death.
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