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Comments for 'Battle For Reach pt.1' |
CoLd BlooDed
12:40 pm | February 28, 2004
Man, I never proofread, I do that as I'm going along...
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
7:05 pm | February 27, 2004
First eh? I've practiced on my friends and family since I was like ten. Still do. But lucky my first series ("The Enemy Within" by the way) had fairly good comments. The reason? I think it was because I worked on it a lot. I wrote in first in Microsoft Word, did A LOT of editing there, and then entered into the FanFic form. I proof read it there too. That's what I do everytime I go to post. It may seam like a lot of trouble to go through, but it will make your Fiction much better, I promise. Give it a go and check out the results :)
-MAP
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CoLd BlooDed
12:27 pm | February 27, 2004
Wow, well, I brought your rating from crappy to decent lol, so just work on that stuff and you could become better.
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Chris
8:57 pm | February 26, 2004
This is my first story. Well otyher than gay ones we do at school, but yeah. First story.
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Phalanx3580
8:26 pm | February 26, 2004
dont worry about it, all first stories suck, i would like to see sage scorpion write a story, he is probably a rejected writer himself
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CoLd BlooDed
4:00 pm | February 26, 2004
Also, is this your first story ever? Or just your first fan fiction.
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CoLd BlooDed
12:45 pm | February 26, 2004
Dude, shut up!
You're only eleven, you little punk. Calm down, you still have a chance to get better at writing. I'm thirteen, but I've been writing ever since I was five (not real stories, but whatever) and have always had a knack for writing. I don't even know if Helljumper was being real.
Chris, you don't spaz at critics, just cause they didn't like it, because, well, I didn't like it either. Read someone elses story (thats good) and learn from that. Respond to this post by flaming then you'll be ready to go to hell.
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Chris
12:06 pm | February 26, 2004
Thanks for the tips guys.
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MC's Cousin
12:02 pm | February 26, 2004
LOL. YES, YES, and YES. Oh my Halo, oh yes. Very, very good. Just your ability to come back like that proves you're more mature than I thought. I underestemated you, and commend you. Well done. LOL (in a good way). I can't get over that. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. *I take a breath*
Ok, I understand it was your first fanfic. But, and I do stress BUT. All that I suggest is that next time, run it by a friend. Don't get so excited and nervous that you have to spit it out. Proof read, make sure you use the code, and if you really feal like it, run it by one of us. It's ok. Every one goes through this type of thing when they first post. It's normal. Relax, it's just our way of constructively critisizing you. One again, BRAVO.
P.S. here's a nice little tip. Read some of the stories with good comments and see how they right and organise their paragraphs and sentenses. Just a thought. I hope I helped this time instead of just plain piss you off, but hey, that's what I can do sometimes.
Signing Off
MCC
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
11:26 am | February 26, 2004
Hey, I'm a newb too dude. It's OK. But I will say that...well, work harder next time, and don't totally explode at people, it kinda pisses them off and then no one will ever read your stuff. Just hold up to the bantering, THAT it what shows maturity. And I'm still not sure if what you have by posting like that was guts or diarea.
-MAP
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GLADIATRRR3000
4:23 am | February 26, 2004
'He did something to the control panel and the door opened.' doesnt really engage me as the reader. i could do several things to the panel and make the whole thing blow up. be a little more specific, like 'he pressed a sequence of buttons, and after several seconds, the door hissed open.'
'The grenade went off. The grunt was blown to pieces, along with a few other grunts and an elite.' more specific. 'the shrapnel from the grenade flew through the air, causing the Elite's shields to flicker and fade.' blood and guts are a plus, too.
i have to agree that SPARTANS wouldnt be injured that easily. MasterChief went through days of getting his ass kicked, stabbed, burned, shot at, and almost infected with flood, and he still kicked ass all the way to earth. this Elite was either one damn strong badass, or the SPARTAN was a pussy.
'He shot the head of a jackal clean off.' again, more detail. 'due to years of training, he fired the assault rifle accurately enough to blow apart a Jackal's head, even from long range.' sound cooler.
a few more things. Capitalize the names of Elites and Grunts... you don't have to, but it's a little easier to read. also, you sounded a little like hemmingway, using short sentences with little detail. fix that. if you put more details into it, it'll be easier to read and you can make a chapter bigger (one chapter per entry..not 2)
i personally thought it was *ok*. it wasnt great, but it wasnt horrible. if you keep it up, you have the potential to be a great fanfic writer.
and to the other critics, please make comments other that 'dude, that sucked.' i know in some cases it's true, but if it sucks so bad, put explinations behind it. not pointing fingers, but that pisses me off more than a crappy story.
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GLADIATRRR3000
4:11 am | February 26, 2004
im too busy to read this right now, but i will later. listening to the comments, i can assume it was the same as most first attempts: crappy.
dont worry though, no one is good the first time. it takes practice, and if you're 12 and can even write, that's a good sign. keep it up, hopefully i can read this soon and give you more insight.
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CoLd BlooDed
2:35 am | February 26, 2004
Lol, congratulations, you're almost a teen, but not yet a man. :P
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Chris
1:45 am | February 26, 2004
By the way, its my birthday today, cause on the thing it says 26th even though at my house its the 25th. Anyway happy birthday to me! Im 12 now!
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Chris
1:41 am | February 26, 2004
Crap! I wrote this post 4 times already, but everytime I click Reset. Ok, now for what I was gonna say, Thanks for the tip MC's Cousin, I don't hate you anymore.
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Sentinel
10:39 pm | February 25, 2004
....I understand. My first stories where shit too. And I haven't seen anyone yell at the critics like that before, except for a few.
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Chris
10:25 pm | February 25, 2004
Thankyou Helljumper. And you other guys, fuck off. I'm eleven. This is my first Halo story, I also would have mentioned it didn't folow the story-line, but I would have to have made the story shorter. MC's cousin, hey, BITCH! I did use the enter button, but when I psted it hwere, it all got stuck together agian. And I have read all of the Halo series, so...I don't really give a crap about what you guys think. If you like it, I think thats cool. If you don't, then why bother saying so. Oh yeah, Sage Crapian, I had more at the beginning, but didn't include it. Brian's MJOLNIR armours shield were already down, and he was already very hurry. AND I ALSO SAID THIS ELITE MUST HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL TO BRAKE THROUGH THE MJOLNIR ARMOUR!
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BlackGhost
10:23 pm | February 25, 2004
Wow that was complete and utter crap. If you ever write again, I'll be extremely surprised. Way too damn fast, way too inaccurate and just plain shitty.
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Hawk7886
8:53 pm | February 25, 2004
Besides being majorly innacurate, it had no flow. None. I just couldn't stay focused.
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MC's Cousin
5:33 pm | February 25, 2004
Yup, that sucked, but you do have...no that sucked. Just plain mud to wipe of the windshield. Your story was just plain wrong, stated below, and totally disgraces anything you though you knew about Halo. Don't even try to make such a story again. Plus, your writing style made me develope a migrain worse than...well anything. We like to call what you don't use "the return/enter button/bar". And the CODE that too. If you even...just don't even.
Signing Off
MCC
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Sage Scorpion
5:06 pm | February 25, 2004
Yeah, this was crap. Look, there is already a book for this, and guess what it's called? Maybe, The Fall of Reach? Yeah, your story is crap compared to that, so no one is going to read it anyway. Besides, I couldn't get through the first paragraph without getting supremely pissed off. First, you claim that an Elite kneed a SPARTAN in the chest, and broke his ribs. No. Wrong. First of all, you're forgetting the shields in the MJOLNIR armor, then the MJOLNIR armor itself, and lastly, you are forgetting the carbonized bones that are basically as hard as diamond. So no. You're info is wrong, and your story is unoriginal, and it sucks. You need something... I'm sorry, but this is just past trying to be constructive. Kid, it sucks. Badly. I can stand grammatical errors, if there's a story there, but this... Not even worth my time. In fact, I don't know why I'm even doing this now.
Okay, if you expect to ever be able to write anything worth shit, read The Fall of Reach. And maybe First Strike. But if your story doesn't follow that storyline, then you need to put in an Author's Note. But don't write about something that has already been written, by a MUCH better author then you'll ever be. And that's not an insult. But you are no Eric Nylund. This is paramount to writing about the occurences in the game itself. So read at least TFoR, then start writing. But be more original than this.
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Helljumper
4:23 pm | February 25, 2004
I like
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