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Comments for 'A Traitor: part 1' |
twinkie
1:24 pm | July 22, 2004
ZAAAAAAAAAK! Im BACK! YES, IM BACK!!!! Meet me at 343 salty beans story, ZANZIBAR:THE WATER WORKS part 15!!!! NOOOOOOOOOW!
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PHo
8:06 am | July 13, 2004
6/10. it's a little rushed but you can easily improve that.
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Dave Luck
5:45 pm | July 12, 2004
Too much blood and gore. I don't like excessive amounts of violence in literature. Keep it for the movies.
- Dave.
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Helljumper
11:40 am | July 11, 2004
4/10
ODST
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Chuckles
8:58 am | July 11, 2004
First off, I am a fan of spaces between paragraphs--but I am also a fan of longer paragraphs. I would give you a rating, Zak, but I need to know more about your plot than this story gives.
Now, I think Helljumper gave fairly good advice, but before anyone dismisses the premise of Zak's story, we need to know why the traitor turned. Heck, Helljumper, maybe he found a wrinkle you hadn't thought of. It is possible. The traitor could be insane, for instance. Also, although I agree with HJ about the sandbags, I would reject them for being too much like our own culture, not for their absence in the books. I would hope that we would all add something that isn't found in the books.
C.T. Clown
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Awacar
6:20 am | July 11, 2004
"Helljumper thunks he knows everything. YOU ARE ALL PUSSIES"
What's so odd about that? You think you rule this site, which I find psycotic(sp?).
Besides, your knowledge extends to sexual harrasment, general jackass attitude, and finding the CAPS LOCK. [sarcasm]Definately something to yell at Helljumper for.[/sarcasm ]
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Red Ghost
3:41 am | July 11, 2004
Spanish Spartan- don't be such a freakin' idiot. Oh yeah, ummm...Mendez died before this right? Riiiggghht...
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spanish spartan
2:56 am | July 11, 2004
Helljumper thunks he knows everything. YOU ARE ALL PUSSIES
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LostRock
2:38 am | July 11, 2004
It was a uneven (you use *** as a breakline, then an ACTUAL breakline), and you didn't really detail things, such as the Marines attacking two Elites.
4/10
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Mastergrunt
1:37 am | July 11, 2004
Sorta corny. 5/10
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The NEW Zak
10:48 pm | July 10, 2004
If you comment on my story, PLEASSSE can you give me a number rating out of 10. Just to let me know, thanks.
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Helljumper
5:33 pm | July 10, 2004
The story was some what off. First the Covenant wouldn't work with human traitors. They hate humans and kill them all. Humans know this and survival isn't even enough to make a human turn traitor cause it wouldn't make a difference. The story was rushed and kinda short. I was confused at times.
The Covenant don't use sandbags, thats more human. There is no where inthe game or in the book where they use sandbags.
You really don't have a writing style that makes for a good story. You should read more stories from myself, Mainevent, MCC, CoLdBloodeD and other vetern writers. Writing is an art and you want to capture emotion and details so that the reader develops feelings for characters.
At least you used the code, but i'm not a fan of spaces between paragraphs.
Oh yea u kept saying Platoon but i think you meant squad. A platoon is 30-40 Marines commanded by a Lieutenant, a squad is no more than 10 because thats how many a Pelican can hold and is commanded by a Sergeant like your unit in the story.
ODST
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Spacefan
2:13 pm | July 10, 2004
Hmmm. Traitors--don't like them but I understand the underlying motivation (survival). I guess desperation can give birth to both traitors and heroes and our moral center (or lack of it) is what tips the balance? Nice fic.
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