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Comments for 'Battle of Earth(part one the battle starts)' |
SumSophisticatedName
3:20 pm | April 24, 2004
Shadow is a vet at writing... This isn't like his usual stuff. Maybe this is a new guy?
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Nick Kang
7:32 pm | April 4, 2004
Your lack of detail makes it seem like the Marines and ODSTs took out the entire Covenant base without breaking a sweat. And Warthogs and/or Scorpion would never be able to hit something 2 kilometers away, especially with the Wartohgs' inacurate LAAGs. The Human invasion force covered two kilometers in two sentences. You really DO need more detail. I'm glad it was so short or else I wouldn't have been able to read it at all.
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Anoymous
1:59 pm | April 4, 2004
Let's see what you got wrong. LOCklear died, he's not a sgt. he's a corporal. Jenkins died. I didn't like how you just said the number of people were in a army that was just friggin boring, I odn't know why. Htat story went too fast and there wasn't enough stories. I've seen you do better, you can improve. One more thing, why did the UNSC make such a massive ground engagement, the covies could of blasted them from orbit and where the hell did the UNSC find so much men or women?
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Helljumper
2:54 am | April 4, 2004
wait did i just say my Helljumpers. Darn right I did.
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Helljumper
2:53 am | April 4, 2004
Wow that went by so fast, that i just didn't care and i had to force myself to just scan over it. When will these noobies learn not to put ODST in crappy stories. Write about some regular Marines before you decide to write about my Helljumpers.
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
8:51 pm | April 3, 2004
You love me, you really really love me. Or am I taking this the wrong way?
-MAP
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grease monk2
11:24 am | April 3, 2004
its cool so far the makings of a huge human covenant battle is pretty cool.
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Sentinel
10:21 pm | April 2, 2004
I agree with BlackGhost. You really have to get all the facts first.
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MC's Cousin
10:19 pm | April 2, 2004
First:
I'm with BlackGhost. Locklear died, if you've read H:FS you would have...wait...you wouldn't know who Locklear was if you hadn't read it. Excuse me I must have...wait...you would have know he died in that explosion and flash of "sapphire light" getting rid of Doc. Halsey's crystal on the Gettysburg...hmmmmmmm...
Second:
Again, BlackGhost has already pointed out that yes, your story was flying by like one of those blue spartans caught in a SPNKr RL blast in Halo Multiplayer in Blood Gultch. You need to put more detail in there, good detail, not bad stuff.
I really hate to make specific references to peoples stories but...I really think I have to make you see what I mean.
There may be other examples, but this is the story that comes to mind, please, anyone with a better example please step in on this and point out the better story.
The story I make reference to is one of the stories from "Mind_Affecting_Parasite"'s Sixth Chapter of "The Enemy Within".
That story has a poo load of detail in a lot of places.......drat, I still don't feel right making such a specific comment. But, oh well.
Third:
You need to work on your flow factor. Reading that was like driving a car with no shocks over some over-sized-stone, that is not fun to do, unless you have an ass the size of Alaska.
Break your story up into distinctive paragraphs, that make it easier to read and follow. How can I know if my own FF is easy to read? you might ask. Well, let a friend or family member read it and let them comment and correct it for you.
Make sure to keep dialouge seperate:
"Hey Bob," greeted Tim. "How's it hangin'."
"Not bad," answered Bob. "You?"
You know, keep it sperate so we always know who is talking at that time. Your dialouge blends together, and is a bit confusing.
Finally:
You have minimal spelling and gramatical errors, so that's not a big deal. But I will confess to you that I was not able to finish that story of yours. I really would like to see where you're going, but the fact that a major migrane wsa plaquing me half way through your writing really turned me off. Work on this please.
Signing Off
MCC
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BlackGhost
10:01 pm | April 2, 2004
Locklear died buddy. I'm sorry but I didn't like it. Everything goes too fast. Just take it a step slower. Get more detail and I'm sure you could at least make a decent series.
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