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Comments for 'Plasma Burns and Bullet shells-chapter 1' |
Myth
12:00 am | October 18, 2003
Since its such a big deal I had all the grunts die, so stay cool and get ready for chapter two, and steve chapter 2 is why I said ''1'' was lacking action.
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bob
12:36 pm | October 17, 2003
Cool story myth I liked it, but it was a little short and very gorey at the beginning. Oh also your quick at getting new chapters! Good job!
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FOrunnER
11:44 am | October 17, 2003
This was an above average story for HBO. I'm not saying it was absolutely great, but it was good. Detail, grammer, ect. Like everyone else had said.
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javier fernandez-vina
1:19 pm | October 16, 2003
I like the tunnel thing, it was cool.But you didn't explain what was happening in detail.But since it was probably dark it makes sense.
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Sarge
11:58 am | October 16, 2003
Okay well the punctuation has been noted but that's really not that big of a deal for me. You started off pretty strong but I think you should of put a lot more detail into the whole first part I get kinda confused on what's going on in the tunnel(fighting duh I know lol) and uh where are they running to and that kinda stuff...
*********SUGGESTION*************
Note: I know this is not my story OKAY!!! Lol
Anyway maybe in some down time of the fighting you can explain what's happening a little better and you didn't really give any charachter development try thinking about those two things when you plan your future chapters... Other than that your story was good and IT DID have action in it... But uh a bit more detail and it will get some good scores...
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GLADIATRRR3000
1:35 am | October 16, 2003
no, just gagaw
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GLADIATRRR2003
1:26 am | October 16, 2003
hey, isnt gagaw and yayap in my series? a marine named peters?
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MasterGrunt
12:12 am | October 16, 2003
You copied Gagaw and Yayap from HTF didn't you.
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Steve Ollett
9:59 am | October 15, 2003
Lack of action? It seemed to have quite a bit as I read it.
One criticism: You aren't using correct punctuation when your characters speak so it that discerning where your character's voice begins and ends detracts from your text.
See how much easier the story reads with quotation marks included. (see below)
"Cover fire! Cover fire!" Sergeant Tyrell Fitzgerald ordered as he sprinted from a team of spec ops covies.
For a first attempt, it's not a bad effort.
But like most of us posting stories up here, we are going through a learning curve with this stuff, so keep it up!
Steve
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