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Master_Chief189
7:21 pm | September 3, 2003
Dont for get to check out mission one
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DUDE
5:27 pm | September 1, 2003
I see everyone else pretty much let you know. Other than that the storyline is good. Be sure you keep it realistic as far as the Chief's abilities go. Later killa.
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gruntkiller
1:03 pm | September 1, 2003
dialog needs some fixing, a lot more discription should of been used, it was just too fast and the dialog seemed pretty dumb a t times. how could they get to earth in just a few seconds when they were floating around for ages trying to find a human colony, that i did not like. it has prommise though and it could be turned into a great story if you take your time
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J-117
11:56 am | September 1, 2003
good except knowing master chief he would sort of break down or get pissed when he found out that earth was under attack...
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hornet34
2:31 am | September 1, 2003
Flat out, this story was a good example of what writers should not do. First off, as GreenMJOLNIR said, the dialoge is confusing. Also, you don't have to state everything going on. Meaning, If the Chief wants Cortana to pull up a star chart, don't go
The chief asked Cortana to pull up a map. She pulled up the map and said, "Chief, here is the map."
That type of writing lacks detail and makes the reader reread information they already know, meaning they are wasting time and are going to stop reading. Instead, write it like this.
"Cortana."
"Yes Chief."
"I need the star chart of ----- system."
The Chief watched as the map popped up on his monitor and hurridly began searching......
That way, you establish who the speakers is, what action is taking place, and when it is done.
As for the rest of your story, don't rush it. Take time and edit (spellcheck, rereading your story and then having someone else read it). Also, a good plot means a lot more than jamming in an extra fight scene. And try to keep it semi-realistic, at least according to the Halo universe. Meaning, 1)Longswords don't have slipspace capabilites, 2)Its unlikely a new massively more powerful suit has been created in the short time between Reach and the Chief returning to Earth.
I could go on listing examples, but most of this you can get from reading other fanfics, especially some of the better authors (I think Wado's name is appropriate here). Sorry I took up so much space, I just thought I would help out a new writer. Don't worry, my first story, as well as probably ever other HBO writers, was mindless drivel. Just keep working at it and you'll be amazed at how good you can write.
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Master_Chief189
7:30 pm | August 31, 2003
Thenks for the comments and i will work on it
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Mainevent
7:01 pm | August 31, 2003
Oh yea, and good story.
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Mainevent
6:59 pm | August 31, 2003
A tad bit more detail, and fix the dialog.
yours: "Hello" "Hi" "What's up man?" "Not much"
fixed:
"Hello"
"Hi"
"What's up man?"
"Not much"
And be sure that the reader knows who starts the conversation off when doing the conversation like that, as it can be very confusing.
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Alpha Lance
5:31 pm | August 31, 2003
This is your first time right. But it was good,
I rate this, 8.7/10.
And read my 'Halo Trilogy' seires. And also check
out my peom, 'Grunts and Spartans' & 'The Wasted'.
Alpha Lance
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GreenMJOLNIR
5:09 pm | August 31, 2003
confusing the way the dialog is setup. work on that.
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