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Comments for 'Alternate Realities - An Army of Two' |
white grunt
1:33 am | July 9, 2004
great story ,and spanish spartan if u think this site is gay WHY ARE U HERE!!!?
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Dave Luck
8:29 pm | July 8, 2004
Some Grammatical Errors, some problems in the flow, but at least it is formatted.
spanish spartan, you've not only insulted yourself, but also Spain, anyone of Hispanic descent, and also Sparta, the original Greek Spartans, and the Spartan-IIs.
Get the hell out of this site before I disembowel you the way I would a fish on a hook.
- Dave Luck
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Guardian
3:43 pm | July 8, 2004
Thanks, I'll try putting my next part up soon, but, my internet Network connection crashed and i'm hindered by it for posting. So if i find time then the next part shall be up with some good stuff otherwise, thank you for the constructive criticism.
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Awacar
8:24 pm | July 7, 2004
spanked spartan must be the joke of the year... wait, scratch that... millenia has a better ring to it...
And I am willing to point out the use of spanked, since you're about to enter that state.
And that shit about brownies, are you the son of a brownie and a prostitute? wouldn't surprise me at all.
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HoZ
7:30 pm | July 7, 2004
Ur a fag Spanish Spartan go to hell, u like boys. ur favorite city is DuBois u dick. u pig fucker.
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russ687
5:42 pm | July 7, 2004
One of the many n00bs on this site:
spanish spartan
Congradulations
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The NEW Zak
7:28 pm | July 6, 2004
That means you posted which means you're a loser and a (cough) too.
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spanish spartan
2:11 am | July 6, 2004
FUCK YOU ALL. THIS SITE IS WEAK. I AM THE MASTER OF THIS GAY SITE. EVERYONE WHO POSTS IS A FAG AND A LOSER. FUCK YOU ALL. FUCK YOU ALL.
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russ687
6:23 pm | July 5, 2004
Your story-line is really good; it keeps the reader interested in what is going on. However, there are some things you need to do:
1. Proof-read! Make sure before you post you edit any mistakes you find. One important thing to look for is fragmented sentences, I saw an unusually high amoung of those. Also, check to make sure that you have your verbs and adjectives in order.
For example, here's a line of fragmented sentences:
'David caught the rifle. He put a fresh clip in it. Then he pulled back the charging hammer.
It needs to flow smoothly like this:
'David caught the rifle and put and fresh clip in it, then pulled back the charging hammer.'
2. Just like what Void said, describe yelling or screams like that with words, don't spell it out phonetically (sometimes you should, but at least not in this case). Look in the thesaurus for good descriptive words.
Finally (not a comment), is this story following characters or a general storyline? If its following characters, make sure to mention them at least once a chapter so the readers don't forget them. If you're following a general storyline, try and give a little background about the character that is being used at the particular point in the story (if that's a little confusing just ask).
Hmm, done. Sorry if this is long, but I'm a prime believer that these comments areas are for feedback to help or congratulate the author. I'd expect nothing less on my own comments page, so feel free.
Overall: 7.5/10 because of minor mistakes. Keep it coming.
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Void
4:39 pm | July 5, 2004
Ok, your getting better, but things like “rrraaaaur” just don’t belong in a fanfic. ;)
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