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Comments for 'A Marine Named Peters: The Finale, Part Two: Peters' View' |
Jon M
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
You guys are going to think I'm Polyanna or something here, because I always start out by saying, "Nice story." Well...Nice story. I just don't comment on the ones that are better left under the transom.
This one was a little mushy at the end, but sentiment isn't all that bad. I could've done without the tear. The droooping eyes was a better way to describe the sad feelings between these two. Also, you could've set up that last scene with the flood better. For example, it would've been nice to see the (and describe) more about how the plasma sword ripped these flesh heaps into puddles of slush. For example, the following is perfect, "He jammed the plasma sword into the Flood's gut, heard a popping sound, and the Flood liquidated."
Good stuff. I'm new here, but it seems that all of a sudden a bunch of people are sending in some pretty good stuff.
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Thoams Harper
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
WHY THE FUCK CANT I POST ANY DAMN FAN FICTION IT ALWAYS COMES UP AS, "cANT FIND S0-AND-SO AND THEN SOMETIMES IT ALSO SAYS PAGE CAN NOT BE PREVIEWED OR WHATEVER AND SO I CANT POST ANY OF MY DAMN FAN FICTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF ANYONE KNOWS WHATS WRONG PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE EMAIL ME AT MADDEN2482@COMCAST.NET. THANKS!
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Solidus Snake
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
Thomas, maybe it's because you have a will shitty ass comp.
Now Glad, I saw a few mistakes, no big deal, and I haven't really been reading this series. But this is some good stuff.
And just so you know, it's me, Alpha, using a new name YEAH.
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Jon M
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
I forgot to shamelessly plug my own story
when I left comments earlier. Do a title search for "probably no choice" or just go to these internal links.
Part One: http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jon_m..._a.k.0225040559561.html
Part Two: http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=jon_m..._a.k.0227040743541.html
Oh yea, and as far as the ending of Peters...You should have intorduced the return of Karls in a different way. The omnipotent narrator shouldn't introduce the surprise elements of the story. Instead, try introducing the surprise elements with things that the characters see, feel, hear and smell. The way you did it, the narrator just said, "Karls ran up from behind him, grabbed the side of the door, and pushed. He was covered in blood, and it took Peters several seconds to recognize him."
The problem with this is that earlier in the story you set us up to think that Karls had been turned into a flood...and then all of a sudden...shere the hell did Karls come?
I'm not telling you how to write your story (well ok I am, but it's just a friendly suggestion) You could have said that the hand touched his shoulder and he turned around expecting to dispatch another flood. Then you could have described how he first thought Karls was a flood and almsot killed him. I think this IS what you were going for. Of course the irony is still there of him getting hit as he hesitates while recognizing Karls.
Well anyway, my cheap advice. Take it or leave Once again good job on the overall story.
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Ajax
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
Great job, but that can't be the end of the series, can it? This was an awesome series and the ending is he died? Arrgghhh!! Tell me that's not the ending and that he'll come back.
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Helljumper
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
good story, lots of detail and good action
ODST
First to; rise, last to fall
Helljumpers do it all
Feet first into Hell
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Da Mann
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
Noooooo! You should continue this with Karls, or make a mini side story about Karls' escape from the Flood.
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GLADIATRRR3000
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
the next chapter explains how Karls got back, i promise. and don't expect AMNP to end so easily.
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Jon M
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
I'm going back to all the boards I commented on and apologizing for spamming. Sorry. I'm a Noob...solidus set me straight.
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Jon M
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
I'm going back to all the boards I commented on and apologizing for spamming. Sorry. I'm a Noob...solidus set me straight.
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MC's Cousin
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
That was pretty good. Although I think you need yo get into the actionness more. I almost felt sorry for that Marine at the end. But yes, you should add more to this series or start another joining one.
Signing Off
MCC
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Sergeant B
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
Nice...but the death was too simple. You were like, "He died." I don't blame you if you wanted it that way but it should of been more dramatic, at the least like. "He died thinking of-" like anything. Or if he had a girlfriend, you could of said, for example, "He died with 'HER NAME's picture in his hand." Or even better like he said to Karls any last words. But, that's my opinion of it. But overall, VERY GOOD STORY!
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ToFu
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
Chief, Chief NOOOOOOOoooooo
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ToFu
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
sorry bout that strange comment...interesting story, indeed...bye
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Scrawl
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
No! He died! Does Peters come back in the next installment? Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease...
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Thoams Harper
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
good point solidus snake. lol!
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Thomas Harper
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
wow
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Thoams harper
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
*sob sob sob sob* lol.
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MasterCD
12:01 am | November 30, -0001
Ahhh, V sad, but fitting I suppose. Technically I get peeved when characters get killed off, but I guess Peters luck had to run out some time. Oh, and by the way Ajax, Peters come back? He died! He's not suddenly gonna open his eyes and go 'Hey! I'm not dead! Let's go kick some butt!' Overall, great story. Easier to read than most. :)
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