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March of the N00bs - Part 2a
Posted By: Wado<wyamauchi@msn.com>
Date: 11 November 2003, 12:42 AM
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Note: You might think the names in this story reflect people you know but I swear I made the whole thing up. I really don't know what you are talking about.
The March of the N00bs - Part 2a
"M.C. those Fan Fic writers are caught between the Story Page and N00btopian forces invading from the forums," said Jillybean. "They sure could use our help."
"Right," said the M.C. "Sarah, Jamirus99 and Socrates, do what you can to help the Fan Fic writers while Jillybean, 235 GN and I take care of an old friend."
"Sir, yes sir," Sarah, Jamirus99 and Socrates replied as they headed off.
Jillybean drew a heart-shaped arrow in the dirt; then she turned to the M.C. saying, "M.C. I've created a NAV point to guide you to our old friend."
"Err... thanks Jillybean, but I can see the SPAM mortar from here," replied the M.C.
"Oh this is so exciting," commented 235 Guilty Nick, "and by the way M.C., your armor scans as second class, I recommend you downgrade to a lower class."
"You mean there's worse armor than this piece of *bleep* around?" asked the M.C.
"Why yes, Finn and mnemesis got some of Mark's seven armored suits and despite protocol and my constant nagging, they still insisted on making it class 12. I don't know what they will do if they see you in that armor, it might really make them feel impotent."
"Why wouldn't they go for the first class armor?" asked Jillybean, "and are you sure you mean to use the word impotent."
"Beats me why they downgraded? I never did understand the Story Page," replied 235 Guilty Nick, "and I mean impotent like in without power. Louis clarified the term for us all on the HBO forums just the other day."
"Oh, I see," said Jillybean who quickly shut up to dodge the whole conversation and the enviable question of why Louis knew so much about the definition of the word."
"We've got work to do," said the M.C. as he drew forth a huge hammer.
"No don't say it M.C." pleaded Jillybean.
"What? You mean don't say it's M.C. hammer time?" remarked the M.C.
"Ouch, that one hurt," said 235 Guilty Nick.
The M.C. just smiled and twirled the hammer around a few times; then all three of them moved on in the general direction of the N00btopian SPAM mortar.
Not too far away, Sarah, Jamirus99 and Socrates met up with the Fan Fiction writers. They observed one of the writers shouting orders from the gunner's seat of a warthog. He was none other than the great warrior writer GLADIATRRR3000. "Hold the line!" ordered GLADIATRRR3000. "We can't let those N00bs spam the comments section."
"We're writing as fast as we can," replied FrensaGeran, "but some of us are getting writer's block. GLAD, when are the reinforcements from Zenith coming? You can't expect only one group of Fan Fic writers and some faithful readers to hold off an army of N00bs."
"mr_bill left quite a while ago to rally Zenith but I hear most of them have moved on, the old farts that they are," sadly said GLAD. "Tell the writers that we publish or die trying; just do your best to keep up the morale while our glorious leader figures out what to do next."
"And speaking of our glorious leader, where is Elfster?" FrensaGeran wondered.
"How would I know, last I saw him he was running in that direction directly away from the N00bs with a panicked look on his face," stated GLAD as he looked around for Elfster.
"Hey GLAD and Frensa," replied Jamirus99. "This is Sarah and Socrates. We are here to assist you."
"We sure could use help," said FrensaGeran. "The first wave of N00btopians took out many of the old timers. Kellen Squire and Spartan disappeared in a cloud of spam. Sarge, knightmare, el_halo_diablo, Traumatised Marine, Havok, Agent Shade, The Scribe, Gruntkiller, Ishkabibbl, Simpsons Rule, Nike, Glenny, monitor101, Steele, Arthur Wellesly and Arch are missing in action. Berconius, bean, Dispraiser, FOrunnER, Gasmask, and Walker are out there but cut off from our main force. And for the rest of us..." Frensa cut his words short as he noticed a familiar figure approaching.
From the background came Elfster shouting, "Form up the lines, we do the double-pincher attack!"
"Yes sir," the writers typed. Alpha Lance, BlackValkyire, Blue Jaguar went to the left. Blue Jaguar, Jinkaiden-XI, duckfoot, candygnome, cheezex90, CovieKilla, Covenant Member_Killer, and Dirty Commie went to the right. GrimtheReaper, hawk7886, Hikaru 119, HungryCovie, J-117, phoenix89uk, Sargeant B, Stone Code 3:16, The Listener, and xitWOUND117 all charged down the middle.
"Yes, yes, bravo, wort, wort, wort!" shouted Elfster.
"Double what attack?" asked Sarah.
"Double-pincher attack," answered GLADIATRRR3000.
The double-pincher attack was just a fancy term for frontal assault. A surprisingly simple plan and it actually appeared to work because when the Fan Fic writers attacked, the N00btopian center forces folded like pages of origami paper. Things looked promising until the overzealous Fan Fic writers pushed too far. As it turned out the N00btopian center was composed mostly of mercenary N00bs just along for the ride but the sides were heavily reinforced by l33t N00bs and Ub3r N00b h@ck0rs. The sides folded in and in no time the N00btopians had encircled and completely surrounded the writers. The thumps of many heads banging against keyboards thundered across the battlefield.
Elfster in all his days of leadership would never willingly sacrifice his peers to such a fate as death by SPAM. Elfster simply hadn't the time to explain the entire plan, but he had seen the M.C. he knew the only way the M.C. could take out the SPAM mortar was if there was a large enough diversion to keep the N00btopians occupied.
Elfster waited for the sign. Then there was a mighty BLAM heard across the land indicating that the M.C. had succeed in smashing the N00btopian SPAM Mortar. Elfster called up his trump card. Zenith had arrived and they had been kept in reserve. The group of the elite of the elite Fan Fic writers, led by panzer and Vector40, with Banserki, mr_bill, and more charged into battle. Elfster, GLADIATRRR3000, FrensaGeran, Jamirus99, Sarah, and Socrates joined the fray too.
An amazing thought passed across the battlefield at that moment. A story was not just the sum of its parts. A story was more, much more. Ideas and emotions flowed, pictures formed, memories recalled, and all grew silent in awe of the light -- The light of it all. And Vector40 drew forth a pen of light, his writing painfully slow his story awesomely effective. A simple philosophy, but one as foreign as could be to spammers: spend less time creating and more time being creative. All spam then became nothing more than noise and eventually it just cancelled itself out. The signal from the writers remained strong and although some of the writers still tried to produce more and more, most heeded the example and produced less that meant more. Quality over quantity begot communication over spam. This wasn't a fight, this was a war.
After the battle, only the Fan Fic writers remained on the field. Those few straggler N00btopians that tried to remain soon found that they were disconnected from the server, hopefully never to spam here again. A cool breeze capped off the day bringing rise to mist from the heated ground. After which, all writers took a moment of silence to honor those that had fallen, on both sides.
Reality flowed back towards normality and cheers and greeting echoed across the game map. "Is that really you Miguel Chavez, the M.C. in the flesh?" enthusiastically said Elfster as he saw the M.C. approaching.
"Yes it sure is," interjected Jillybean, speaking for the M.C. "So Elfster, what's up?"
"Oh you know, it's Just One Of Those Days," remarked Elfster. "The forces of N00btopia are spamming the comments area and we Fan Fic writers are stuck between the Story Page and the forums. Overall though, I believe we can handle any N00btopians that come our way."
"Don't be a false prophet, Elfster," said panzer who appeared from the battlefield. "We are in serious trouble. I already know you have a mission M.C. and you can't help us, but we need everyone you can spare, including Jillybean, Jamirus99, Socrates and Sarah."
"Hey what about me," chimed in 343 Guilty Nick.
"Ah, no, we need you on a really special mission, here, have a special mission badge," replied panzer. Then panzer turned around and gave Elfster a high-five and Elfster replied, "Sweet one panzer."
"Hold on a moment," said the M.C. "How do you know what my mission is?"
"Um, we read March of the N00bs part 1 and it told us everything," commented Elfster.
"Everything?" replied the M.C.
"Yes everything, even that little problem you have been having M.C.," said Elfster, "but don't feel too bad about it, it can happen to anyone."
Jillybean screamed in horror, "Noooooooooo!"
The M.C., Elfster, and everyone except Jillybean burst out laughing. "Good one Elfster," said the M.C. and everyone except Jillybean gave each other high-fives."
"Hey, that was kind of mean," said Sarah. "How immature, don't you know you could hurt her feelings."
"Umm... we're sorry," replied everyone.
"I am a crushed cupcake," cried Jillybean. "All I ever wanted was for someone to appreciate me, for who I am." A single tear rolled down her cheek. "I am a dramatic writer but until now I never knew why, oh why; oh why are women writers from Sirius and men writers always from Uranus?"
"Oh that's so beautiful," said the M.C. "I almost didn't mind that Uranus was used in yet again in a joke. The story-teller must be running out of ideas."
"Thank you all," said Jillybean as she was announced for an Academy Award nomination for best supporting female writer character in a Fan Fiction written on HBO. "And I especially want to thank my mommy and daddy and all the little people. I could not have done it without you. You are all sweethearts." And then Jillybean kissed Sar..."
"Hold it right there, think of the kids," said Socrates, "or heck with that, think of noble King Louis as he rejects this story as too, well, you know - too stupid to be posted."
"But Madonna and Britney Spears Kissed on the 2003 M.T.V. music awards," replied a voice from nowhere. "Gosh, come to think of it, this would have never happened if Wado was back writing this story, but he got captured and all. Oh well. Okay no kissing stuff, I just am really desperate to get better ratings. It works for beer commercials."
"I have to admit the quality of this story has downgraded since Wado stopped telling it," said Berconius who approached from a thick fog bank that had just rolled in for no other reason than it looked cool for him to come out of it. "What about the rescue of Wado and the other HBO forum members? How is that going?"
"Yeah, Wado is a much better writer than you are mystery story teller," pretty much everyone agreed.
"Okay, I'll get to the rescue of Wado in a moment," said the voice from nowhere, "but first there are some loose ends I need tied up. 235 Guilty Nick, will you and Jillybean do the honors?"
"Certainly," replied 235 Guilty Nick. "To activate the HSP defenses you must first retrieve the debit card M.C., or should I call you Repossessor? The Fan Fic writers can only augment your combat abilities so you will have to get the debit card yourself."
"Is that true," asked the M.C. as he turned to Jillybean.
"Heck if I know, do I look like I work for Bungie Studios?" said Jillybean.
"For the first and last time, WE ARE NOT BUNGIE STUDIOS!" shouted a voice from nowhere. "Now read the script."
"Oh, silly me, right?" replied Jillybean as she looked at the script. "Yes, uh huh, ready, here goes... believe it or not, 235 Guilty Nick is completely correct, in fact not only is he good looking and quite popular with the lady AIs but he is a real stud muffin."
"Stop," commanded the voice from nowhere, "who changed the script? Just skip all that and read what comes next."
"Hehe, I'm such a devil," gloated 235 Guilty Nick.
Jillybean waited until 235 Guilty Nick was done gloating then she spoke saying, "M.C., you and 235 will have to go on alone, the rest of us must stay here and hold out as long as possible. You know that it is only a matter of time before the N00btopians return in force. Our only hope is to delay the N00btopians long enough for you to activate the HSP defenses. Now yank me."
"Yank you, but you are standing right on front of me?" questioned the M.C.
"Just do it," insisted Jillybean. Then the M.C. pretended to pull a chip from his helmet and pretended to put it on the ground where Jillybean was standing. "That's better" replied Jillybean.
"No problem, just stay away from pointy objects while I'm gone," replied the M.C. Then the M.C. and 235 Guilty Nick headed off; Jillybean and the others waved goodbye. It was a solemn time.
The M.C. looked back once just before dropping out of sight. He saw the Fan Fic writers preparing for the next battle; they were truly going to test if the pen was mightier than the SPAM. It didn't look good for the writers as the N00btopians would surely come back in even greater numbers the next time. All was not hopeless though, the M.C. heard something back from the writers, a song, and the M.C. hummed the tune of War with them as he walked away into the Halo Story Pages. "All my friends know Fan Fic writer. Da da da da da, da, da da. Fan Fic writer is a little typer. Da da da da da, da, da da. Fan Fic writer writes a little slower. Da da da da da, da, da da. Fan Fic writer is a real goer. Hey... Da da da da da, da da da da da, da da da da da, da, da da."
"We must hurry to the book-mobile, Repossessor," said 235 Guilty Nick, "and don't concern yourself about how the whole level looks like the same thing over and over again. I assure you, even though you won't be able to see it through the covered windows, the inside may look the same but the outside will be moving from place to place."
To be continued in part 2b
Note: Special thanks to the folks at HBO and Bungie for being such good sports and to the Fan Fic writers everywhere.
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