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A Whacky Spartan (Part 5)
Posted By: Daniel Jackson<danjack13@hotmail.com>
Date: 16 July 2002, 10:06 pm
Read/Post Comments
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Part 5: Daniel and Jake return! An exciting dinner at the mess hall!
February 2, 3002 Military Calendar Epsilon Eridani System
*** A week after the hospital incident, Daniel and Jake were released. Brittany came by in that dinky pink Warthog of hers to pick them up and take them back to the Spartan Complex, when they got to the front doors of the complex, however...
Daniel: *looks at Jake* You open to door.
Jake: *looks back at Daniel* No, you open the door.
Daniel: Oh no, Jake, I insist you open the door.
Jake: Oh Daniel, I couldn't possibly open the door...
Brittany: *annoyed at the two of them* OH PLEASE! *opens the door*
All three of them look in the living area to make sure Will wasn't around. They stop talking, but they don't hear the normally talkative Will chatting away.
Daniel: Is it safe?
Jake: I'm not sure...
Brittany: Oh please! Will isn't anywhere in here!
Meanwhile, upstairs, Will is sitting in a dark corner, looking down at the group and having a mental conversation with "Shay"...
Will: They're home...
"Shay": Now we can start Operation: Kill Drop Squad 1179!
Will: *stomach growls* Uh...can we do that after I eat?
"Shay": *smacks Will upside the head* We're starting it today! Not tomorrow, TODAY!
Will: I knew that.... but I haven't restored my nutrients in 4 days*rubs the back of his head* "Shay": that is your problem...
Back downstairs where two drugged SPARTAN III's and an exasperated Brittany-672 are at...
Daniel: Where are Steven and James?
Jake: Maybe...it got them...
Daniel: It probably did...
Jake: It probably got hungry and ate their dead bodies...
Daniel: That is, after it ate all the food in the house...
Brittany: *starting to turn slightly green* Who is this it?
Jake: It has a long dred...
Daniel: It has bluish eyes...and...
Jake: ...it's name is Will Belchik...
Brittany: * thinks* Why did I even ask?
Just then, our favorite blonde sniper comes in from being in the sun all afternoon to greet his fellow teammates and the former 'SPARTAN of the Year'...
James: Hi guys! What's up?
Jake and Daniel: ZOMBIE! *hug each other in fear*
James: Huh?
Brittany: They're still high off of the hospital pain retardation.
Daniel: *looks at Brittany* So...it didn't get James?
Brittany: *sighs* No, Daniel, Will didn't get him or Steven...
Daniel: Are you sure? He looks all pale and dead to me...
James: I'M NOT DEAD! And besides, I'm sunburned!!!
Jake: This coming from a dead guy that thinks he's not dead because he can move a little...
James: Ehh??
Brittany: *sighs* Just ignore them...so, how has Will been?
Daniel and Jake: DO NOT CALL IT BY IT'S NAME!
Brittany: *annoyed* For crying outloud! SHUT THE HELL UP!
James: *also annoyed* Uhh...Will's been acting kinda normal lately. He's been eating, hyper, and still looks at his favorite porn vids every now and then, but I haven't seen him around today.
Jake: Because he's waiting for the right time to strike, and when he does, KABOOM! We're all dead!
James: ... oook....
Daniel: *looks at the pretty grandfather's clock and then at Jake* It's Sniper Lounge Time!
Jake: Yay!!
The two run off into the living area with the big holovid, rooting the fight cheer.
Together: Gary-903! Gary-903! Gary-903! Gary-903!
Brittany and James: *sweatdrop and faint anime style* ...
Soon enough, it's dinner time, and all of the SPARTAN III's are at the table.
Daniel: Why do I have to sit next to it?
Will: *in a monotone Daniel-ish voice* I'm not an it...
Daniel: Ok...the thing...
Will: *in the same tone* I'm not a thing, either...
Jake: Then what the hell do we call you, it?
Will: *same tone once more* Either Will or Zero Thirteen...
Daniel: We'll think about it, it.
Will: *same tone but more pissed* MY NAME IS WILL...NOT IT...WILL...*starts to calm down*
Daniel and Jake: *sweatdrop* Uh...ok it...
Will jumps over the table and starts kicking the crap out of both of them...
Will: I have to go to the "restroom"...I'll be back to finish the job...
Everyone: Ok...
Will leaves the room to go to the "restroom". From under the table, two seriously beaten up, un-armored SPARTANS manage to groan...
Daniel: Is it gone?
Jake: I think it is gone...
In the "restroom", Will was having a little...'conversation' with "Shay"...
Will: I can't do it, Shay!
"Shay": Of COURSE you can, Will! You MUST! It's simple
Steven passes by that "restroom" at the same time and hears Will...
Steven: What the hell, Belchik? It's not that hard to take a shit...just do it!
Will: *inside the bathroom, still talking to "Shay"* It's too hard...can't I do it later?
Steven: *confused* Uh...Belchik, I suppose you could do it later. And how hard is it for you to take a shit? You sit, and that's it!
Will: What the hell are you talking about, Steven?
Steven: *sweatdrops* Nevermind, Belchik...that 47 System messed you up more than we previously thought...*walks away*
Will: *sighs* He's gone, now...what were we talking about, Shay? Oh yeah!
At that moment, James knocks on the door...
James: Will? Are you ok? Could you hurry up? I really need to go!
Will: *inside the bathroom* But Shay! I just can't do it! He's my friend!
James: *eyes widen* .... What?
Will: He's my best friend! I just CAN'T do it to him!
James: *pales, then turns a little green...* Nevermind, I'll use another restroom....*walks off*
Will: Eh? What the hell is James and Steven-209's problem? Oh no...they think I'm talking to...GROSS! *pukes*
Meanwhile, back at the dinner table...
Steven: Did you hear Belchik, Price? He's messed up. He can't take a shit!
James: I don't think that's all that's wrong with him...
Steven: Eh? You DID hear him, right?
James: Yeah...I wish I hadn't, though.
Brittany: What in the world are you two talking about?
Daniel: See! I told you! He's going to kill us all!
Jake: Yeah! Kaboom! We're all dead!
Brittany: *whacks Jake and Daniel with a rolling pin* Stop THAT! Will is NOT going to kill you! Do you understand?
Daniel: That's what he WANTS you to think..
Jake: Then, when we're sleeping safely in our cots...KABOOM!
Steven: What the hell did they give you guys in that hospital?
Daniel: This clear stuff in a syringe...
Jake: And they poked us in the ass with the syringe, then...we became all mental and stuff...
Brittany: Something like a hallcinogen, Steven...
Steven: Wonderful, they gave 047 and 048 crack. Now we have THREE high SPARTAN III's!!!!
Everyone else: ...
Will comes back from this exciting trip to the restroom.
Will: *normal, happy self* Hi guys! I'm back!
Daniel and Jake: AHHHH! IT! *dive under the table*
Will: ...What's their problem?
Everyone: YOU!
Will: Me? What did *I* do?
Everyone explains to Will everything that he did while high on the 47 System. Will, of course doesn't believe it at all.
Will: I wanted Brittany? Please! I'm engaged to Kasan-711! And I beat the shit out of the ish out of James himself?
Brittany: Yep, believe it or not.
Will: Pfft...no way in Hell. Daniel, come on out here and punch me in the gut!
Daniel: *sticks his head out from under the table* No! You'll hurt me! *dives head back under the table...*
Everyone else: ...
Steven: That's it...JACKSON-047! JACKSON-048! Both of you are pathetic civilians!
The named SPARTANs stick their heads out from under the table...
Jake: What?
Daniel: You...
Jake: Called..
Daniel: Us...
Together: CIVIES!? Now you die!
Both of them beat the crap out of Steven. When they finished, they decided to watch a tape of Gary Snipiér. Steven was lying on the ground, bloody and bruised. Will smirked at the sight.
Will: *thinking* That takes care of Steven. Now all I have left to get rid of is James, and then Brittany-chan is MINE!
"Shay": Yes, Will. Excellent plan...now, let's get to work on Operation: Kill James...
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