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Spartan Exposure: A Media Campaign
Posted By: David Beale<ummetal1@hotmail.com>
Date: 18 September 2002, 4:32 am
Read/Post Comments
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The SPARTAN IIs...The amazing super soldiers of the UNSC who had been receiving endless media coverage over the past year...for those of you who don't know them...well, that's okay you're just a little slow...here's a dead giveaway...they're the guys and gals in those sparkling green suits! So pretty, so pristine...like unornamented Christmas trees...decorating the galaxy in horrific explosions and heroic conquests. The Spartans were a wonder to the public eye, and the press made their gunshots heard over several more solar systems with the excess of articles all about them and their crowning achievements. Even so, there were things left out of public and media hand. Nobody knew what the Spartans looked like...the articles always had some brawny bodybuilder pictured with an imitation assault rifle in one hand and a decapitated wax Grunt head in the other...most people could spot the fakery. Nobody knew their origin, or their true purpose; their heroics had been the perfect facade for the secrets that still remained hidden. Only one person was bold enough to find the truth about these warriors of the 26th century, and then relay all the newfound juice to the ravenous public, who would take to any revealing information that could be had. This person...the indefatigable reporter Felix...the perfect one for the job...
Place: Elysium City Year: 2550
The indefatigable Felix reporting...
Felix: Okay...Mister...uh...Acu-ma-no-mee-tin-ee-in...could you please describe for our viewers the Master Chief as you remember him from the playground of Elysium City Primary Education Facility...Number...uhhh...(the camera shows Felix look down at his clipboard again) one hundred nineteen...for us please...
Mr. A: Well...he was a typical six-year old boy...kind of like me...heh...anyway, he had a face...and I do recall eyes and a nose...I believe...all the regulars in most children...
Felix: (pauses) Yes...but could you maybe describe -
Mr. A: Oh yes...I do recall hair too...yes, he had hair...I believe...but don't quote me on that...he could have been bald too...for all I know...
Felix: (pauses again, moisture begins to show on forehead) Okay...(faces the camera nervously for a second, and then turns away) could you delve a little deeper for us...please...maybe his demeanor for a start or perhaps his everyday attitude...
Mr. A: He was very person-like...uhh...(he begins to trail off) I do recall him being...a person...
Felix: You mean down-to-earth?
Mr. A: Uhhh...I don't know about that...he did remind me of a lot of persons...uhhh...(begins to trail off again) I think...because...he was one...I believe...
Felix: (noticeable sweat on forehead) You mean he was very...personal...and light-hearted?
Mr. A: Uhhh...I don't know about that either...he was...he...well...let me see...
Felix: Anything...Mister...A...anything at all...(nervously releases his collar from the moist grip it was holding against his neck)
Mr. A: (pauses, looking off into space) uhhh...
Felix: Anything? What was it about the Master Chief that separated him from all the other children? (swallows, trembling slightly) They rooted him out for a highly advanced military program at age six... Anything at all?
Mr. A: ...uhh...he was...well...I gotta think some more...about that...
Felix: (turning pale) Pleeeze...for the sake of the public's awareness...the galactic populace depends on you for this knowledge...give us something...to grasp...
Mr. A: ...yea...(begins to look off into space again) I'm not feeling too well right now...I'm not in the mood...could you...could you maybe come back later on?
Felix: Later on? Sir, we traveled over many star systems for this interview...with you...who claimed to have firsthand knowledge... Were you not his classmate?
(An awkward five and a half seconds pass by, and then...)
Mr. A: ...wait...there is this...(retrieves a small coin from his pocket)
Felix: What? What is this?
Mr. A: It's an ancient coin...(holds it up to the camera) I remember seeing the Chief play a game with it...with some woman...long ago...
Felix: (pauses) You think this is a joke...do you?
Mr. A: ...umm...nooo...it's for real...I saw him...
Felix: Are you telling me that...(pauses again, then says under his breath...) This is ridiculous... yet I gain some rapture in watching this man's absurdly inane performance...But alas, I'll concede in giving my audience a show...for the sake of publicity...and for the sake of drama, I'll speak heatedly... (He then returns to normal speech...) You dare try to defy us with this...this coin! ...This...nothing!
Mr. A: ...I am not lying...lies hurt people...this is not a lie...it's real...
Felix: (calmly, yet with scorn) You will perish in your own vile deceit...you filth...
Mr. A: Here! ...Take it...please...
Felix: (peers at it and then hands it to an assistant) Gary...destroy this...this lie! ...And you! (Sneers at Mr. A) You are going to burn! ...You hopeless thing...
Mr. A: (Begins to throw a fit) Wait! No! It's true! It's not a lie! The coin...it's real...it's the only one of its kind in existence...feel its texture! It's pure!
Felix: ...Baloney...Feel its texture...lies!
Mr. A: It's become my family's fortune! ...My son will inherit this coi -
(The man is quickly subdued off camera, the coin is destroyed, and Felix's voice can still be heard in the background)
Felix: (in the background) Okay...we're not going to get anything Gary...let's get out of here...right now! ...This planet reeks of Covenant shi -
(The transmission is quickly terminated)
Back at the news center in which the indefatigable reporter Felix works...we see him in his office...nice and tidy...things all in pleasant order...the general room structured and clean. The indefatigable is reviewing the file containing all the information currently known about the elusive Spartan heroes. He reads the data aloud to himself...
Felix: Let's see...origin...human...though debatable at this point...lousy interview...Training...began at age six...beat up a few guards to unconsciousness with batons at boot camp one time ...interesting...at age fourteen they're given a strange steroid under a doctor's orders...interesting...it even improved their eyesight and intelligence...what are the odds of that? ...Battle history...incalculable wins...losses...zero, exclamation point...and now my treat...the goodies: their hobbies...hmmm...killing things... watching things die...cleaning alien extremities adhering to soles...treating chemicals to soles...bathing soles...ewww...what else...let's see...they're all Capricorns...now that's interesting...I'm a Capricorn...what else...Likes and dislikes...hmm...they like dead Covenant...they hate live or partially alive Covenant...interesting...and they have a strange affection and fondness for men and women in uniform...superior officers...fellow soldiers...the works...interesting...now THAT I think I might be able to use...Gary? Get in here...on the double...
Gary: Yes? Your humbleness...
Felix: I want you to get me one of those Mjil...Mjealer...Millen...Meja -
Gary: Mjolnir?
Felix: Yea...That...the armor suit thingies that they apparently wear...and at any cost...men may die...people may suffer...but I want that suit!
Gary: uhh...sir?
Felix: What? Is there a problem with my...very, very humble request? I am willing to sacrifice...any and all...
Gary: Well...sir...your humbleness? I believe...(clears throat) in fact, that they are sold in the market, at almost any store location in this side of the galaxy...army, hardware, fitness, Men's Wearhouse, convenience...you name it...don't you ever see the ads? Or for that matter, don't you watch the news, sir?
Felix: No, of course not...I don't watch my own program...
Gary: Haven't you been curious at all about the almost immeasurable spike in brutal crime sprees lately?
Felix: No...
Gary: Sir...national leaders in sixty-five nations have already received life sentences...
Felix: So, I take it then that there will be no problem in obtaining this suit...(pauses) What colors do they come in?
Gary: ...Well...let's see...there's your standard green...there's teal...light gray...and I believe plaid is actually "in" at the moment...at least the Gap thinks so...
Felix: Standard green, Gary. I must work to fit in as much as possible...
Gary: (jots it all down on a piece of paper and pauses) uh...your humbleness? What exactly are you planning on doing with the suit?
Felix: As the maxim I always confide in states, actually my own, 'if you can't obtain the information you need through exterior means, then simply go right to the source'...
Gary: uh...sir? Did you just make that up for the sake of legitimizing yourself?
Felix: (pauses) ...Yes.
It took hardly two dimensions for the indefatigable to make his way over to the planet Reach...the vast military stronghold responsible for all the UNSC's abundant fortified craft. As we home in on the planet's surface, the ominous Spartan training ground comes into plain view. The Spartans are standing in perfect file, with the intrepid Master Chief briefing them on the situation at hand. Secretly, the indefatigable creeps from behind a nearby bush and makes his way into the Spartan's line formation undetected; he's a clever one, indeed...
Master Chief: (his eyes drift along the Spartan line, making thorough inspection of every Spartan) Looking good eighty-seven...sixty-five looking sharp...puff out that chest forty-two...and you...(pauses when he gets to Felix) uh...soldier? We wear standard issue Spartan green here...
Felix: Uh...(starts to tremble a little) Yea...about that...umm...they only had plaid today...sorry about that...it seems they have run into a little shortage on the standard issue green you were referring to...your humbleness...I mean...sir...it won't happen again...sir.
Master Chief: Who fit you? Dr. Halsey?
Felix: uhh...(pauses) Yea...that Dr. Hal...sem did...and she said I looked good in it...sir.
Master Chief: Yea...that does sound like her...
Felix: It won't happen again, sir.
Master Chief: Whatever...(raising his voice) Okay Spartans...let's hit the obstacle course...today, by the way, we'll be getting hit by forty nukes instead of the standard thirty-one...it seems the UNSC had a few left over from the last battle...So, move out!
Felix: Uhhh....sir?
Master Chief: What?
Felix: I am not feeling my regular old Spartan self today...I think I'll just sit this one out...sir...if you please...
Master Chief: (pauses, rather confused by the terminology)
Felix: ...Dr. Halsem said so...
Master Chief: Oh, okay, in that case...(then peers at him) what is your name Spartan? I don't seem to recall who you are...
Felix: uhh...(pauses) I am...uh...Alexan -
Master Chief: But Alexander is over there...Spartan...who are you -
Felix: No...it's uh...Alexis...Alexis three...thirty-four...
Master Chief: That's strange...I didn't know the numbers went that high...
Felix: uh...Dr. Halsem said so...
Master Chief: Oh, okay...well then, I'll be on the obstacle course dodging nukes if you need me...just 'comm' in...
It was eight and a half minutes later at the office of the indefatigable, now inhabited by a vigilant Gary to whom it was now entrusted to, that an incoming transmission call from planet Reach had been sent...
"Hello?"
"Gray?"
"Oh hello, your humbleness...Are you making any progress?"
"Gray...I mean...Greg..."
"Sir, are you okay? You sound winded...quite winded in fact..."
"Greg...I..."
"Gary, sir."
"Whatever! I'm dying here...this...it's turning into a filibuster!"
"You mean disaster, sir?"
"Whatever! It's all falling apart...I can't take ANYMORE...muscles aching...bones feel robbery...rubbery! Whatever! I've lost all sensation in my ribs...spine making strange noises...like popcorn popping at twenty thousand degrees...I've already been revived twice...three times if you count the time the paramedics assisted..."
"And the other two times, sir?"
"Swift kicks in the shoulder! What else do you want me to default?"
"You mean divulge, sir?"
"WHATEVER!"
"Sir, I warned you about going into battle...the Covenant are ferocious."
"I haven't gone into battle yet! This is only the warm-up to their morning workout! We've barely even left the Spartan quarters...they even have an obstacle course in the showers...how was I supposed to know that?!"
"Do you want to abandon the mission then, sir?"
"...It's not possible at this time...the Spartans have taken me in as one of their own...they want me to lead them into their next mission..."
"Sir, you've made such progress in just eight and a half minutes...that's marvelous!"
"...No...you don't understand...the Spartans have warmed up to the idea of 'sitting out'...the idea that I so unfortunately introduced them to...now they're going to have me do all the dirty work...as the new Master Chief!"
"Congratulations, sir, you'll be on all the headlines...well...a fake you...but it's still wonderful!"
"...No Greg...I mean...whatever! I can't fight! I can barely LIFT their blasted weapons, let alone FIND whatever it is that fires the darn thing...oh man...I have to go... I'll contact you later, Larry... No! Master Chief! NO! I don't have any 'kegs' ON me! For the last time!"
"Sir...you're breaking up..."
"Larry...we're going on a mission..."
"To take out the Covenant, your humbleness?"
"...No, that's Mission Beta...Mission Alpha comes first..."
"...And what does that entail, sir?"
"You're not going to believe this Greg, but we're going to rob a supermarket outpost somewhere in the Eridanus System..."
"Sir...?"
"Yes, you'd have to see it to believe it, but the Spartans have indeed developed a madcap... and let me emphasize the word MADCAP...fascination with the prospects of alcohol..."
"Alcohol...Alcohol, sir? How could they possibly have known about..."
"Kind of another result of my overly-candid form of speech..."
"But why rob it though, sir? Maybe use money...or I am sure the clerk would be happy to hand out a few freebees to the galaxy's most prolific..."
"These guys don't carry money...when I mentioned it they thought it was some new Covenant artillery...and plus...they really don't know how to approach civilians without...neutralizing them...Oh my God! Master Chief! NO! Think small munitions, Chief! ...It's just a measly merchant establishment! There won't be five-foot thick impregnable armor! And definitely no regenerative shielding...or mortar tanks! ...NO! You will not need it...because it's SIXTY tons!"
"Sir, why don't you just tell them the truth?"
"...Can't! They haven't made physical civilian contact in years...it would be a tremendous shock to their system to learn of my TRUE identity...as Felix the reporter."
"Sir, but what..."
"No time...Harold...these Spartans are getting quite feisty...I have to go! ...Felix out."
Twenty-five minutes later the office of the indefatigable receives another transmission from somewhere in the Eridanus System...
"Hello?"
"Fred?"
"Oh hello, your humbleness...Are you making any progress?"
"...Fred...I think I may have just doomed the human race! ...And not just doomed, but DOOMED the human race!"
"Sir, are you sure you aren't overstating the severity of the situation?"
"...If anything, I am making an understatement...if you will...just listen to this chatter: ...'Won't Colonel Ackerson be surprised when I tell him I learned how to do the BoseNova Twist...NAKED! And then SHOW it to him... how much fun it will be! Ha ha...I feel wild...I feel unrestrained...I LOVE alcohol! MORE PLEASE...or I'll kill you! Ha ha...Yes! That's the ticker! Yes...PLEASURE IS MINE!'"
"...Yea...that does sound a bit bad...but don't panic..."
"This is a dire situation... inebriated at best...and we're currently undertaking Mission Beta now!"
"You know, sir? They don't sound too sober for that, yet."
"Harold...you talk to me like I was born yesterday...IT'S A FERAL CIRCUS IN HERE!"
"Yes, and if only we had a camera in there..."
"No time for jokes Greòheh, heh...good one Greg..."
"Hold on, I got another one, sir... What is the difference between a really drunk Spartan cadet and a Covenant Grunt?"
"...umm...I give up...what is the difference?"
"Ten brain cells... How do you make up the difference, sir?
"...umm...I give up..."
"...Backhand the Grunt!"
"Ha, ha...good one there, Fred...anyway...back to the matter at hand...HELP ME!"
"Calm down, no need for panic..."
"Are you serious!? The Spartans are under the influence and starting a twenty-six century revolutionary campaign to annihilate all non-alcoholic beverages, combat style, and you tell ME to calm down!?!"
"Why don't you try giving them each a dose of the old Robatussin cough syrup, sir? The one that I believe was banned in one-hundred and twenty-two states..."
"Oh...good idea Bert...I hadn't even thought of that...actually I was thinking about the old 'Vick's'...the one that was banned in five solar systems...but I think you're right on the money with this...Robotoss...Robigloss...Ribochin...Rowbeearee...Ro..."
"Robatussin, sir."
"Whatever!"
Ten minutes later...
"Hello?"
"Sparticus?"
"Oh hello, your humbleness...Are you making any progre -"
"Adrian...I think I've maybe killed them!"
"I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Will you be returning home, now?"
"...No...unfortunately...I may never be returning home... At the moment, Spartan one-seventeen is having a series of spastic convulsions...he's created his own gravity field, in fact... How was I supposed to know he was a severe diabetic...it wasn't in my file! Oh, and Spartan sixty-seven had gone completely insane and launched a salvo of about eighty or so missiles at a passing UNSC craft...We signaled an apology, but from all the commotion in the background, they thought we were being overrun by Covenant forces inside, and in response sent a heavy MAC round through our hull... And now from the round's impact velocity, we are currently hurdling through space at light-speed toward Draco Three!"
"I'm sorry to hear that, sir. You had a meeting tomorrow...shall I then cancel that?"
"...Oh, and it does get worse...some of the Spartans seem to have dug themselves deep into the ship's core...in search of who-knows-what...and I am afraid to report that they may breach the reactor before we even have the privilege of colliding into the planet! ...I thought you said it would work! I mean, if it did five centuries ago, why wouldn't it now?"
"...Umm...sir? It never worked five centuries ago...it was for exactly that, a cough...I just gave you the idea to enhance the possibility of an EVEN more comical event...you guys are just a riot! I don't believe I've laughed this hard since...since you raided the supermarket!"
"Oh, 'ha ha' Allan, just soak it up!"
"And another thing...my name is Gary! Gary with a 'g', 'a', 'r', and 'y'...sir! We've been working together, I as your slave, for the past five years and you still never seem to get it right! Now for the love of -"
"WHATEVER! Please...inform the public that this is all a misunderstanding...this is not my fault...it was an accident...I only wanted simple information... You might have to fake insanity, Gary...the UNSC is not going to be very easygoing about this..."
"Sir, did you at least get a peek at the Master Chief's face?"
"I am the Master Chief, remember!?"
"Right...I forgot about that detail...but can I at least give the public something, sir?"
"I don't give a damn about the public anymore...not at this stage... Hell...I should stick my big... ugly... checkered boot up all their as...s..."
"Sir, I'm losing you! But from the bits and pieces that I caught I don't think they'll print a statement like that...try something like... 'I wish you all well' or something along those lines..."
"Okay...then tell them...that Spartan one-seventeen...wears a pink 'My Little Ponies' bracelet on his left wrist...it was terribly unnerving, if not simply heart stopping ..."
"Sir...that probably jinxed your mission right there...the oddity of it and all... But hurry! Before I lose you completely!"
"And tell them...that Spartan eighty-seven sucks her thumb...and I mean the innermost layer of skin is exposed on that thing! ...Greg, that's all I got! But...but my last words to the galaxy...and the public...oh man, it's so hard for me to say this...are -"
Communication lost...
So we sadly end it here...the life...and the episode... of the media campaign that sought to bring the Spartans...to a much higher limelight...the endeavors of one, Felix the reporter, the indefatigable...the daring...who vehemently went against all the probabilities that foresaw the mission's failure...and ventured out on his own freewill and humble accord...to succeed...to risk all...for the sake of the public's interest...and to fulfill his own curious desire for the elusive truth...the truth that was impeccable...pristine...the truth that was...the truth that...was...was... Oh hell! ...Bill? Do I really have to finish this? I mean c'mon! Because of this Felix fellow, I now sit prisoner in a very large, very inhospitable Covenant vessel! ...Awaiting my last meal...only AS the meal ...and I hope they choke! Hell...I'm going out with some dignity...I'm going out in a little STYLE! C'mon! Split a beer with me, Bill... Yea...that's the ticker...Cheers...Oh, I almost forgot: THE END!
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