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The Adventure of Monitior 090 (comedy)
Posted By: Awacar<t.alvner@swipnet.se>
Date: 24 December 2003, 3:19 PM
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Authors note: This story is basically me paying homage to the many strange quotes of 343 Guilty Spark. If you don't like him, or bad comedy, please stop reading.
"Oh, hello customer, my name is 090 Left Behind, I'm the Monitor of section 5063A in Forerunner candy store 2 481 632. What do you want to buy?" the Monitor said as a Forerunner Commando named Maraudou entered the store.
"I want a hundred of those toffees, please." Maraudou replied.
"No, you can't have them, you'll have to upgrade your chewing capacity and teeth strength to at least class eight in order to eat them, your current class is class five, which is ill suited for this kind of chewing." 090 said.
"Well then, give me ten kilos of that liquorice, please." Maraudou asked gently.
"Last time you asked me, if I could eat, would I take the liquorice? Having time to ponder your query, my answer is no, and I won't change." the Monitor replied.
"Well, I want it anyway. It's my money that I may buy for, not yours. Do as I say, or I'll smash you to pieces." the Forerunner barked in anger.
"May I inform you that I'm not destructible? A better cause of action would be to bury me five feet below the surface of this planet." 090 replied.
"Do you want me to bury you five feet down?" Maraudou asked.
"Nooo, please not. Okay then, follow me." Left Behind said before flying into a hallway. The Commando follows him, and they walk for several minutes.
"We are near the liquorice chamber, follow me." 090 Left Behind says before coming to the end of the hallway.
Maraudou opens the door in the hallway and sees a big, blue ball hovering in the air, keeping liqourice within it.
"The energy barrier surrounding the liquorice will deactivate when you pay, but you may now retrieve the package of liquorice." 090 says in pride.
The Commando looks at the package, and feels afraid of touching it.
"Unfortunately, protocol does not allow units of my classification to perform a task as important as the unification of customer and candy, that step is reserved for you, customer." 090 said, being rushed.
The Forerunner takes the package and starts to walk away with it. 090 Left Behind sees this and says:
"Protocol requires that I take possession of the liquorice for transport. The liquorice must not fall into the hands of you before we reach the counter and you're able to pay."
They walk through the hallway once again, and get to the counter.
"You can pay now, it's the final step, reserved for you, customer." 090 said.
"Hmpff... pay? Do you think that I would pay?" the Forerunner says.
"Yes, we followed the selling procedure to the letter, you were with me each step of the way as we managed to retrieve the package of liquorice. Besides, the energy barrier will not deactivate if you don't pay." the Monitor says.
"I won't pay for it anyway." Maraudou said.
"You will! The candy must not leave the store, it can be illegally sold." Left Behind said.
Maraudou didn't care and instead broke a window and ran through it with his newly stolen liquorice.
"I would conjecture that he is responsible for stealing the candy, he seemed most persistent in his attempt to steal it. But this doesn't solve any problems, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? Oh, that's a good idea! I'll call the police! Hahahahaha, I am a genius!" 090 said in pride.
The Monitor called the police, and they brought the candy thief to 090.
090:
"Now, give me the candy, and you'll be released."
"I cant, I deactivated the energy field surrounding it and ate it." the Commando said.
"Candy, ate by a thief? That is absolutely unacceptable. Give your money to me, or I'll be forced to take it from you." Left Behind demanded.
Maraudou:
"That is not going to happen!"
"How... how dare you? I shall purge you at once!" 090 Left Behind said in surprise.
"You're sure that's a good idea? There are polices present, and purging is illegal." the Forerunner said calmly.
"Okay, so you've ate the candy, that's okay with me, I can simply buy more. Still, I must have your money." Left Behind replied even calmer.
"How many times do I need to tell you that I won't pay?" Maraudou asked.
090:
"You'll have to tell me that until you change opinion."
Maraudou:
"I wont!"
"Police, this one has not payed for candy he ate, rob him of his money, give them to me and bring him to jail."
The Police Sentinels, coloured in blue and white, cut the pockets of the thief, and gave the money within them to 090 Left Behind.
And so did 090 Left Behind, Monitor of section 5063A in Forerunner candy store 2 481 632, get his money back, and an adventure to store in his hard-drive.
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