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ROUND-THINGIE: Combat Devolved
Posted By: Matt Anderson<raptorv22@hotmail.com>
Date: 10 September 2002, 9:06 pm
Read/Post Comments
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Characters:
TOMMY LEE JONES as, Captian Keyes
JULIA ROBERTS as, cortana
THE VOICE ACTOR FOR SNAKE IN MGS as, MC
MATT DAEMON as, jenkins
THAT BLACK DUDE IN THE MATRIX as, Sarge
and WOODY ALLEN as, 343 Guilty Spark
ROUND-THINGIE: Episode one- the silent annoyince.
scene one: The Pedistal of Spring.
The Pedistal of Spring, a flying space-cruiser, floats into view. camera shifts into the bridge, with captian keyes. cortana floats in the back ground. keyes says, "Cortana, all i need to know is a 4 letter word, first word S last word T."
"i think we both know the answer to that."
"Well, i dont, bioch, so help. a hint is a Dirty and Blasphemous word. im stumped. how can we..."
"..Finish the puzzle? with your intillect its easy to lose your mind."
"...oh.."
a bridge member starts screaming and runs up to captian keyes, yelling with gasps of breath, "THE... PARLEMENT... ARE.. COMING!!! AHHHHH!!!" the marine died of a massive heart attack, and was carried away by two medics ona cot. "dear god... the PARLEMENT...."
For years the Parlement had been the main advisary of the UNSC, the runner up being microsoft. they were a variety of strange space aliens from a galexy far, far away. they hatd humanity, and intended on distroying it with their jiant dooms-day.. weapons... Each colony that had eben attacked, the ladt being Leech, had been Mached. the parlement super-frigaes carried weapons tha could turn an entrie planet into paper-mache. these guys ment buisness.
keyes narrowed his eyes. "Call Snotty. tell him to recite the scout oath, and then iniciate JGJ."
cortana looked shocked, "JGJ?! are you sure??"
"im more sure of this than i am of wearing underpants. now go!"
MEANWHILE, on the bridge...
in the cryo-stasis lab, a cew member read a command on his screen. 'OP. JBJ: AWAKEN THE JOLLY GREEN JIANT.'
the marine stared at it, suffered a heart attack, and died. his body accidently it the button that awakened Master Chief, a super-soldier in PJANSIE class armor. he was a cyborg. the chief climbed out, accidently hitting his head on the cryotube, was kncked uncauntious, and fell to the floor.
Eventually the master chief regained contiousness, witha bruse, despitr the steel titanium reinforced hemit. He got up, ran to the door, through the door, through 6 walls, through an unsuspecting person, through the bathroom, through the pizza parlor, through the onboard sauna, and through the waterheater, through mnore walls, and ran to face CAPTIAN KEYES. dumm de dum dum.
C"aptian Sneeze."
"How are you master cheif? Shutup, let me talk. you always did talk to much soldier. you new fangled spartans just cant shutup and listen. now sit down on the floor. No, not there, i got that place waxed. there."
"why did you call me here?"
"We need your help. Whats a four letter blasphemous word that begins with S?"
"i have no idea..."
"BLAST! the world is doomed..."
cortana appears infront of keyes. "AHEM."
"oh, yes, right. yeah, t he parlement is here to. yeah, they want there sheilds back and all our info on earth and stabucks coffie."
"And?"
"um.. you need to go owr and kick their asses."
"so you want me to help."
"...uh... yeah.. so anything you can do would be very.... helpfull..."
"Fine."
a crew member started screaming, "THE PARLEMENT ARE COMING, THE PARLEMENT ARE COMING! and their firing blue stuff at us and boarding us and yeah!!" keyes lowered his head. "Fudge monkeys... i just got this thing detailed. Chief, i need you to kill the parlement and take a lifepod."
"to where?"
"how bout that big round thingie down there? looks round and mesterious."
"why dont you just use te mac cannon to kill the cruisers."
"Because frankly its not as interesting as landing on a round thingie. this allows plot diversity and a more diverse storyline. besdes, were trying to beat surge whos in a simular situation 3 posts away."
"...oh..."
"get going. take my pistol. i dont keep it loaded, so youll have to find ammo as you go."
the chief saluted, and ran throu more walls. 'i cant find ammo..'
suddenly, a marin ran up to him.
sir, wre need yor help sir, your stronger than me, and we cant open the jar of Pick-uugughhh...."
chief hit him in the head with his pistol, and stole his assult rifle, fishing hat, and id.
the chief ran to a near by lifepod which the people were comin out of.. yeah.. a marine saw him. "master chi- oh... its just you joe. you feelin ok? you look gree-oof."
masterchief thought he ws annoying, and punched him. he tossed a frag granade that the marine was carrying into a parlement lifepod as it docked, and ducked when it exploded. five midgets with garbage cans on their backs and pig noses flew out waving their arms.
the chief ran inside one, launhed it when more marine got inside, and headed towards the big round thingie, Round-thingie.
Epidsode II: Attack of the Drones
Scene zooms in on the lifepod, a lonemarine is heard.
"are we there yet?!" mendoza.
"No, now shutup you wotrthless piece of doggy drool! if you say one more thing about KFC i WILL rip you a new one! YOU CAPESH, SOLDIER?!" sarge, of course.
"I have some leftover geen bearns from the messhall if anybodys hungry." the master chief.
"look, were getting clsoe the the round-thingie! oh, wait, thats a onion ring..."
"i have to pee." mc, again.
cortana finally came out of solitude. "Were almost there, the ring is in front of us, not behind marines."
The master chief looked confused. In front? wasnt he facing front? oh. he was sitting under his chair... he stood up, ripping the chair and part of the ship out.
"whoopsie."
"DAMNIT, Chief, were gonna crash! hemeroid failiure! BRACE FOR INPACT!!!!"
the lifepod fell out of the sky and landed on a hill. 'SLEF DESTRUCT IN 5 SECONDS.'
the chie thought about this. Slef? whats slef? maybe its a typo, and its self destruct. oh my gosh...
the chief jumped up in slow motion, unning out of the pod screaming "NrooooooooooouuuuuuuughhH!!! IIIIISSSHHH GOOOOOOUUNA BLOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!" and jumped out, while the other marines walked in regular speed. then the pod.. Exploded ina firework display.
the chief got up and brushed himself off. "IS EVERYONE ALRIGHT??? CAN YOU HEAR ME???"
mendoza walked up behind him. "Were fine, chief. but we wont be for long if those parlement start looking for us right about...
looks at watch. "...Now." a parlement carrier flew over a hill, trailed by a Smash-Me. a flying vulks-wagon with SMASH_ME writtin on the side.
"DEAR GOD!! NOT A SMASH ME!! WERE DOOMED! DOOMED I SAY!! DOOMED!!" the chief ran around, but remembered he convineiently had a rocket launcher, so he pulled i t out, and fired t the smash-me, which exploded in a ball of flames, hiting the parlement dropaship, distroying that, and falling off a nearby cliff.
"were save- OOff.." a wheel from te smash me hit a marine who was talking. his name, ironically, was kenny.
Mendoza ran up to him. "OH my GOD!! they KILLED KENNY!! bastards..." the chief walked up, and yelled into the sky,
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooh. *gasp*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!!!!!"
Episode III: Eve of stupidity
the master chief watched quietly as a group of Grunts milled around the crash site of another life boat, the S.S. Minnow. grunts were migits whos strange religion forced them to wear garbage cans on their backs and pig noses. sarge walked up behind him, and kneeled.
sarge eyed one. "that ones the leader. now, i suggest half of us move up behind them, while the rest come up infronmt in a full force attack. now, to do this we need cunning and steal- WHat the hell are you doing?!!" the chief was jumpoung up and down brushing himself off madly screaming.
"ANTS!! ANTS EVERYWHERE! GET EM OFF GET EM OFF GET EM OFFFF!!!" the chief had unknowingly sat in an antpile.
the grunts looked up, started yelling smothing is dutch, and fired their plasma weapons at them. "Aw, shit, there gos our stealth." lookeda t chief.
"and certianly our cunning."
the marines saved the day, however, jumping over the log they were hiding behind and shot up all the grunts. yeah.
the chief recollected himself and walked up calmly. "good job, marines. check for ammo, anything usefull. (cortana, if you say a WORD i WILL rip you out!)."
a few minuites later they were walking around the place they landed, and ran into a group of marines. or, rather, they ran into them.
a few warthogs rammed over the hill, one hitting a marine, a ken, often refered to as kenny. "OH my GOD!! THEY KILLED KENNY!! BASARDS!!!"
the marines got the guys on the hogs drunk, beat the shiznit outta em, and stole the hogs, under MC's supervision.
cortana spoke up from the helmet in a muffled voice. "One of the Hummingbird dropships is still in contact range. ill try and contact them"
a few moments later a high pitched nasal voice came in over the radio:
"THIS is HUMMINGBIRD Gecko 6-66. I read you, BIOTCH!! GET IN THE DAMN 'bird, MUTHA F*CKAS!!!"
the chief slowed to a stop as the humming bird landed in front of them, and sat there shocked.
"I SAID MOVE IT YOU WORTHLESS PANSIES!!!!!" everyone hurried to the bird. the pilot, Ho Slamma', picked up the hog and flew away, leaving the marines wondering if they would survive the flight.
Episode IV: Evil Cretins, Inc.
Night time on the round thingie. Pelican 6-66 flew through the air, towards a small platue. "There holding captian keyes aboard the bile and regurgitation, a covenant cruiser flying 30,000 feet above ground level."
"So how are we suppost to get in if its in the air? the 'core issued me a rifle, not a twin ion fusion powered jet jack thingie.
"theres a gravity lift that carries troops, supplys, and funions back and forth. well get to get on there, and.. gravity lift.. ourselves to the ship."
"im afraid of hieghts."
"well, your screwed."
Ho slamma' yeled voer the radio. "WE HIT THE F*CKIN GROUND, BIOTCHES!! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HUMMING BIRD!!"
everyone jumped out of the hummingbird, and ran out of t he way as Ho slamma' almost backed into them, rammed kenny, and flew off the cliff. "aw, shiiiiiiiiiiitttttttt!!!"
"well, there goes our ride."
"dont worry, she'll be back in the next episode. and probly kenny to."
"OH my GOD!!! SHE KILLE- Oooffh...." masterchief meleed the marine wh always yelled that.
chief huddled up and mad himself into a ball, and his flashlight projected cortana on the floor. "Help me capian keyes, your my only hope." the hologram turned off.
mc started laughing and rolling over, "im sorry, i HAD to do that... ahhh...."
cortana spoke to chief. "stick to the ground to the right, snipe out every parlement you can without them seeing you. marines move into support when you hear enemy gun fire."
"ohkay." he chief pressed a button on his helmit, and crackling Mission Impossible music started playing. *mission impossible* the chief dove behind a nearby rock and peaked around the corner, then dove out and started crawling across the ground to a tree that overlooked the parlement. he crawled to the tree, and kneeled, and peeked behind it. he pulled out his pistol, and held it up next to his head, sweating and briething hard for no reason. the suddenly went slow motion, running from behind the rock shoting hiis pistol."DIE MUTHA F*CKASS!!!!!!!!!" shooting his pistol and running sideways. 'click'. */mission impossible* "aw, shit..." his pistol ran out of ammo. he looked up, and noted hat all the parlement were staring at him. all his bullets had missed by a mile, and all he had suceeded in doing was confusing them. masterchief frantically fiddled with the pistol.
a grunt finally yeled. "DAKAREEEEEEEEEE!!!!" and all the parlement ran around in circles shoting each other, then trying to shoot mc, who was trying to hide against a tree.
all the mariens poured out from the.. place... and shot up all the parlement
and what not, then stealing chocolate from ones that had survived surge. they then ran aound a corner, one marine running off a cliff yelling. "blah. blah."
tey ran some more, killed more parlees, and finally got to the gravity lift. dum dum dum.
they all stared at it, needlers and stf sticking out of em.
finally, afte three minuites of staring, jenkins spoke up. "those damn fags
just HAD to make it purple!" "Shutup, jenkins. people, take up a formation atround the gravity lift so mc c an be in the middle." "why?
"Because it loooks cool, dumbass." "oh."
they stepped up, the marines flying upwards, then tey hit their heads on the door, fell afew fet, came back up, hit teir heads, fell a few feet, went back up, ect. this went on for about 10 minuites, with the marines going 'wuuuaaaaaa... Ooofh..... WWuaaaaaaa.... ooph.......'
finally master chief gabbed a big red button from onee of the putters. it said. Push me! on it. mc stood their a while, debating wheather or not to push it.
'it says push me, so i should push it. wait, the probly WANTED me to kill the putter and steal te button off his corpse, and press the button, so that they could set ff an H-bomb and kill us all. on the other hand, they might have anticipated me anticipating thathey would do that, and have it actually open the door, but knowing that i knew it was an h-bomb, they knew i wouldnt push it to open to door. but, thats what tey might want me to think, and they would WANT me to press the button, but it wreally WOULD be an h-bomb, so i shouldnt push it. Or, they might anticipate me anticipating their anticipation that i would anticipate they would anticipate my anticipation of their tanticipation of me assuming it wad an h-bomb, and try and confuse me.. blah blah blah Blah blah, blah, blah blash. blah blah... b;ah blah blahb lah, blah blah. bla bla blahvlah, blah blah blah..."
this went on for a few hours, the matrines still hitting t heir heads ont he top of the ship. finally cortana said:
"PUSH THE F*CKIN' BUTTON, YOU RETARD!!!!" so e pushed it. and the world exploded, because it was an hbomb.
the end.
or is it?
as an alternate ending: the dorr opened, because the parlemnt had antcipated mc acticipating thir anticipatio- ah, screw it.
the marines, half uncauntous, finally went into the ship, and mc stepped into the beam, and floated up, holding his hands aboe his head yelling "WOOSH! WOOOOOSH!"
episode V: The Bile and Regurgitation
chief was laying on the ground inside the Bile and Regurgitation cargo bay.
other marines were laying in diffrent positions, some on their feet, one marine even appeared inside one of the crates, to the dismay of the marines, who spend the next half hour prying him out.
they spent the next five hours playing cards, waiing for someone or somting to show up. all the dorors wer unlocked, but none tried to open them, because sarge said it was dumb, and what kind of imbosile would leave a cargo bay door unlocked on th eoutside? they would only NATURALLY want to trap people bby the lift in a asmall enclosed space.
finally, after whaat seemed like hours upon hours of waiting, and it was, mc declaired to the world, "i have to pee."
mc left the card table, and walked to one of the doors, opened it, and walked iside poast some parlement who paid no attention to him. he finally asked a grunt, "where are the restrooms?" and the grunt kindly pointed down the hall saying, 'Whua." the chief thanksed him, and went down to the bathrooms, and went in. he pased the rows of stalls and the.. wall. toilet.. things... and found one that had been flushed and looked relitivly clean, and... d ireally need to descrie this? anyway, when h e did his buisness, he came bac kout, thanksed a cackle who was standing guard, and walked down the halls whistlin back to the cargo room. he got back, and cortana was dumbfounded. "YOU IDIOT!! YOU COULD HAVE KILED EM ALL AND YOU DIDNT?!!"
"they seemed like nice people..."
suddenly a group o parlement entered, waved to the chie, and went back to te gravity lift.
"i think the doors are unlocked," jenkins noted.
so they all picked up their rifles and went through the doors. finally, after walking down several doors, they stumbled upon he holding cels, the door marked POW. the marines stod there a little while, not sure what to do.
jenkins spoke up.
"is... is it partying orangatang world..?"
sarge spoke, "Nah, dumbass. its obviously pink ovalswef."
"Wef?"
"wef."
"oh.."
mc scratched his head.
"Purple Ornery Women."
sarge stifled a laughter, cortana spoke loudly and annoidly.
"Shutup, bastard..."
" a marine finaly said. "piniata ornament warriors."
"thas prolly it..."
"lets go in."
they opened the door to find a small brown room, with a strobe light and mariachi players, with captian keyes blind folded trying to burst a piniata, with grunts and marines cheering himon. they closed the door.
"oh my god.. there holding that piniata hostage and submtting him to cruel and unusual tortures..."
everyone stared at mc.
"what??"
they opened the door again, so find a disco room, with keyes freakin' to a disco liht and light up tiles.
they closed the door. and eopened it again, to find a movie theater, with captian keyes and a group of marines watching titanic.
close, open, godzila was attacking tokyo- oh, wait wrong topic. theyw ent inside, and keyes and everyone were locked in a cell door. mc walked to the control panel to- "Wait a second, you marines were suppost to have died by now! "oh, yeah.."
the marine ssudnly died, and two marines inside the cells transformed nto sare and jenkins. magically.
"ok, thats better."
he pressd the control utton and nothing appened. he pulled out an instruction manual from under the floo... panel... anywho, keyes started saying, "Master chief, what is it?"
"EVERYTHING WRITTEN IN PARLEMENT!! I CANT REQAD A DAMN THING!!"
a redneck marine scratched his head and offered his opinions.
"Try pushin' all the buttons."
so he did and sayw a big one that said PUSH TO RELEASE CAPTIAN KEYES on it, inscribed by viper. he started to push it, then drew his hand back... "oh no... this might be another H-bomb button... but then again, t hey may try and trick me and anti-" "SHUTUP!!!!!"
cortana, of course. so he pushed it, and up popped a mariachi band that played a few notes, than went into the floor again. hah... he pressed it again, and held it down for 5 seconds, and the doors released. suddenly, the screen wen tblank, and mc found himself transported into keyes cell. he started to kick mkeyes on the ground, again and again, laughing.
finally he stopped, and they appeared outside the cell again, but this time keyes had a needle. "alright. lets get out of here well need to rn through the parlement ship and kill everyone needlessly, steal adrop ship, ram two putters, and fly outside.
jenkins thought a minuite. "or we ciuld use that emergency exit right over theor. "good point.." so they ran to the eergency exit, and found a drop ship, and stole it, and rammed two putters, and then flew aaeay, the entire front of he ship shmashed.
Episode VI: D-Day, part 2. (aka, the timed pimp)
"We need to find the map room on halo, known as the "timid Pimp". in order to get thre, we have to fight our way throuh a D-day reenactment and kill parlement, grab a warthog, unlock the pimp, right our way into a complex and out, and rondevou with Ho Slamma'."
"WERE GOIN IN HOT, DAMNIT!!! TOUCHDOWN, HIT IT MUTHA F*CKAS!!"
mc and a bunch of marines ran out of two hummingbirds and stopped. "i thought HO Slamma' died last episode?" "quiet, foo." ho slamma' flew away quickly, and into a metal pillar that send tons of debree crashing down into the parlement.
"Did that happen on D-day?"
"dunno."
a plasma shot went clear through kenaldo, known affetionatly as kenny,and he fell down, dead.
mc turned to face a marine. "if you say ANYTHING i WILL shoot you." he was getting tied of OH mY GHOD, they Kill- oh, sorry, chief.. heheh...
And know, the fight scene.
the marines finally realized, thanksd to kenny's deat, that they were suppost to fight, even though cortana had been screaming her head off at everyone since they landed.
they ran forward bent on avenging kenny, ranpast the parlies, around the island, and back, and then attacked the parlement. they quickly killed them all, because im a lazy ass bastard, and i chose the difficulty coward for this level. once they were all dead, Ho' Slamma decided to make an appearence.
"ANY OF YOU MUTHA F*CKAS ORDER A WARTHOG??"
"bout time, bitch.."
"I HEARD THAT MR. SHIZNITTY HEAD CRAPNESS! GET IN THE DAMN CAR AND LEAVE ME ALONE."
so, a couple of marines and the chief, the marines sarge and jenkins, of course, headed around the island, the other marines stood and kicked rocks, wondering what to do.
our story shifts to Dark Hemlit, who was about to throw he grenade that would launch hi hog higher than ever before, spending 3 hours collecting every darn renade he could find. "with this grenade, i shall-" "LOOK OUT!!!!!!!!!" a hog ran over darkhelmit, leaving his mutilated corpse behind.
"thats one way to not shoot bullets and save them for later!"
"shutup, jenkins."
they finally came to a parlement drop ship, which took off and crashed into a tree, splittin it down the middle, both parts fying widly into the sea.
they drove up into a little tunnel, ran over a mole, and casme out on a big, big platform. they proceeded to shoot every parlement ont he platform, then drove down into the building towards a door.
"Dont let the parlement lock the door!
the parlement loced the door before anyone knew what she was talking about, and thy drove into a little rom and ran over some trapped parlement, and waited by the door. mc got out, the two mariens taking positions behind him, and he stepped towards the side of the door. he quickly pressed the doorbell, and spunm around behnd the wall.
"now all we have to do is wait..."
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