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Code n 0 0 b: Chapter 5 - n00bfiltration
Posted By: Skul<skulkrusha2000@hotmail.com>
Date: 27 July 2007, 1:44 am
Read/Post Comments
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Code n 0 0 b: Chapter 5
INT. HBO TAVERN – DAY
(COLD BLOODED is sitting at the bar)
COLD BLOODED
(to AZRAEL)
Az! Get your ass over here!
AZRAEL
(Behind bar, walking towards COLD BLOODED)
What's up?
COLD BLOODED
(to AZRAEL)
It's about time. Get me a drink, would y… hold on…
AZRAEL
(to COLD BLOODED)
What?
COLD BLOODED
(to AZRAEL)
Why the hell is this being written like a screenplay?
AZRAEL
(to COLD BLOODED)
Hey, you're right!
(AZRAEL and COLD BLOODED look around the bar and see Skul typing away at a laptop)
COLD BLOODED
(to SKUL)
Skul! Stop typing this like a screenplay!
AZRAEL
(to SKUL)
Yeah! Type normally! Don't make me come over there!
SKUL
(to AZRAEL and COLD BLOODED)
Alright, alright…
(Skul stops typing the chapter out like a screenplay)
There was no detectable change, but everyone in the HBO Tavern instantly knew that the chapter was now being written normally. Or at least as normally as Skul could write.
CoLd sighed with relief, "That's better."
"Definitely. Now, what were you saying?"
"I was about to ask for a drink."
"Alright, what would you like?"
"The usual…"
"You don't have a usual."
"I don't? Damn," CoLd rubbed his chin, not because he was thinking, but because a small boil had suddenly and inexplicably sprouted there during his last visit to the tavern's restroom.
"Well, make my next order the usual," continued the one with lower-than-normal-temperature blood before ordering his favourite brew, which Skul didn't know and so couldn't type in.
Azrael placed a tall glass of Drink in front of CoLd.
"Anything else?" asked the tavern barman.
"Um… no, no."
"Go on. What's on your mind?" inquired Az, leaning forward.
"Well…" CoLd lowered his voice, "I heard rumours that n00bs are amassing an army."
"Oh, come on. They're n00bs, what can they possibly do?"
"Remember the last time they attacked us en masse? A full-scale war broke out!"
"Yeah, but they weren't very successful, were they? They're too stupid to try that again, especially with… him gone."
"There's no such thing as 'too stupid' with n00bs," said CoLd, "Even with… him no longer in charge of them, that doesn't mean they're going to give up. They're still going to try to take over HBOFF for no apparent reason…"
"Don't be a schmuck," said Azrael, leaning back past his centre of gravity thanks to the magnetic boots he was wearing sticking firmly to the nails in the floorboards, "Just drink your drink."
"You'd better hope they don't decide to attack," said CoLd, lifting his glass of Drink.
liek lol they r gonna dei! seded spansh spartatatan "we r tek ovur the forumz nd the will sai uz stoires r gr8 an well laff atum"!!! "good plane " sed an nerby n00b wot wiz nerby "lol i know" laffded spansih spataran wif a hapy lok on him arngry fase!
"Holy shit," said the lolwtf skwod leader in disgust, "look at all this crap!"
The squad, made up of three anti-readers, three fanboys and two n00blings, stood behind a bookshelf in the HBOFF Story Archive.
"Man, I've never felt so sick since I was forced to stand in a… library… ugh," said lolwtf-2.
"No swearing," said lolwtf-1, with a slight smirk, amused at his own joke.
"Heh. Sorry about saying the 'L' word. You know, I suppose this in a way is a… a…" lolwtf-2 thought hard and came up with, "crapary."
"I guess, yeah," replied lolwtf-1, nodding his head, then turned and hissed, "Hey, come back here, you stupid kid!"
One of the fanboys was walking, mouth agape, towards a large, high-resolution screenshot of the Master Chief hanging on one of the walls of the Story Archive.
The fanboy turned at the sound of his squad leader's voice, sighed, and then rejoined his squad.
"Don't walk out into the open, you idiot! One of those dumbass readers could walk in and see you!"
As if on cue, the archive door opened soundlessly and in strode a huge solitary figure in a trenchcoat carrying a large, brown sack. Laying the sack down on the ground, the figure withdrew seven books. There was also a bulky file that looked a lot like a screenplay, mainly because it was one.
The large figure, features hidden beneath a wide-brimmed hat that cast black shadows on his face, placed the books and screenplay on the shelves of one of the bookcases.
"Another Friday fanfiction update finished," said the large figure, placing his hands on his hips and seeming to glow with an aura of power – Administrative power.
The trenchcoat-wearing, fanfiction-updating, aura-of-power-having goliath stalked back out of the Story Archive after picking his sack up.
He stopped at the threshold of the room and turned around slowly. The n00b squad slid out of view as quickly and as quietly as possible, two of the members clamping their hands over the mouths of the n00blings, clutching them tightly to avoid them from yelling out or exposing themselves.
The figure scanned the room slowly and thoroughly with his powerful eyes. Frowning, he turned back to the door and stepped through it, leaving the room empty, save for the lolwtf skwod.
lolwtf-1 sighed with relief and said, "…Shit. What the hell was that thing? An admin? I hate those bastards."
"Come on!" said lolwtf-3, impatiently, "Let's burn all these books!"
"No," replied lolwtf-1, "Although I completely agree with your thinking, we're here to gather intelligence. Seeing as how we're much smarter then the readers, and I mean much smarter then them, it should be no problem."
"Uh, sir? Don't take this the wrong way, but shouldn't it be 'smarter than them', not 'then them'…?" asked lolwtf-2.
lolwtf-1 glared at him.
"No, you were right – then is the right word," said lolwtf-2, suddenly taking a great interest in the carpet.
"Okay, I think we should be able to pass for readers if we just pretend that we like boring books and enjoy reading," said lolwtf-1, "You two n00bs… you'll be a liability, so you wait in the parking garage.
The lolwtf-skwod leader motioned to a fanboy, "lolwtf-5, take them down there, hide them and then meet us back here."
"Sure!" said the fanboy in a bright, cheerful tone before leading the n00blings back towards the parking garage.
"And don't do anything to expose yourselves, you stupid n00bs!" lolwtf-1 said to them as they walked away.
With the small group gone, the skwod leader turned to his team, "Alright, I think we can reveal ourselves, now. Don't blow our cover. If they ask you what story you like, ask them which one they like and say you like it, too. That should get you out of most situations. I'd recommend trying not to get into a conversation with them in the first place."
"No danger of that. They'd probably bore us to death with big speeches about what books they like and how awesome a story is because it has a huge load of words. No way am I going to talk to them, not if I can help it."
"Heh, yeah. I can imagine them sitting in here, reading a book. Just sitting there, looking at words! Come on, how boring is that?"
"But sooo interesting," said lolwtf-3, "Words in a book! Brilliant! I'll look at them some more!"
The anti-reader then pretended to hold a book and stared at the empty space between his hands with an incredibly stupid look on his face, "Duhhh, words! Huh huh huh! A load of words is in here! Duhhh!"
The anti-readers laughed, feeling superior. The fanboys, not fully understanding what the anti-readers were laughing about, joined in the laughter, wanting to be 'in on the joke', themselves.
"Ohhh, reading sucks…" sighed lolwtf-1 with a smile on his face.
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