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The HBO Experience
Posted By: Skul<skulkrusha2000@hotmail.com>
Date: 15 June 2007, 1:35 am
Read/Post Comments
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Skul presents…
A Maskulpiece Theatre production
The HBO Experience
Warning: The following may contain disturbing writing including poor parodies, stupidity, bad GPS, little or no use of the Code and in-jokes among the HBOFF community. Reader discretion is advised.
LEEROOOOOOOY JEEENKIIIIIINS!
Some guy presents…
Bland, uncreative Halo 2 level transcript that never really goes anywhere because it stays within the confines of the game, states the obvious, tries to be original, but fails and consists of nothing but pseudo-intellectual crap to make you feel like an actual fan of the Halo series.
Chapter 1: The Heretic
Covenant Holy City, High Charity
Ninth Age of Reclamation
The sleek, smooth shape of a Covenant cruiser, the Independent Oath, glided past the burning remnants of Halo towards High Charity, the Covenant's Holy City. The Covenant gathered aboard the Independent Oath looked over at the destroyed ring world with rage and sorrow in their eyes. The Demon, the one the humans called Master Chief, was responsible for Halo's destruction.
Inside the Council Chamber, a Sangheili, Orna 'Fulsamee, the Fleet Commander of the armada at Halo, stood before the three hierarchs of the Covenant – the Prophet of Truth, the Prophet of Mercy and the Prophet of Regret.
The first thing the Sangheili noticed when the Prophets entered the Council Chamber was that Regret was present only as a hologram.
As soon as the Chamber was silent, the Fleet Commander's questioning began.
"There was only one ship," said the deep voice of Orna, answering the Prophet of Truth's question about the number of human ships that escaped destruction in the battle before the discovery of Halo.
"One? Are you sure?" asked Truth, his voice had an edge of cynicism, but his face showed almost no emotion.
"Yes," the Fleet Commander answered truthfully, "They called it… Pillar of Autumn."
Although he stood proudly, with his golden armour gleaming brilliantly, his heart was beating rapidly with anxiety.
"Why was it not destroyed with the rest of their fleet?" questioned the Prophet of Mercy, his old, creaking voice a stark contrast to Truth's strong, smooth tone.
"It fled as we set fire to their planet," answered Orna, remembering the sight of the green planet burning with a thousand fires. It brought a small smile to his lips. Blinking out of his reverie, the proud Sangheili warrior continued, "But I followed with all the ships in my command."
We interrupt this boring, repetitive and predictable fanfic that will not get past the first chapter to bring you something of more importance:
Yayap being chased by Sergeant Johnson!
Yayap ran through the grassy hillsides of Delta Halo, pursued by a large, black-skinned man with a loud, rough voice (his moustache was nice, though, Yayap admitted).
The small Unggoy pulled far ahead of the Sergeant, who was relentlessly coming after him because Yayap had had the misfortune to shoot Johnson's beer can instead of a marine standing near the cigar-munching man. Although the Unggoy fired multiple plasma shots, including two fully charged blasts, Johnson's invincible shell bore them all and he ran full tilt towards the small alien, his moustached face a mask of pure fury.
The Unggoy, sure he had lost the marine Sergeant, jumped behind a man-sized pile of rocks that were conveniently close-by and lay prone, his breath coming in quick gasps that made him sound like a small, panting dog. He listened for Johnson's running footfalls and heard nothing but the whisper of the trees in the wind.
Suddenly, the pile of rocks the Unggoy was hiding behind sprouted arms and a head.
"Huh? How you…?" Yayap stared, wide-eyed, open-mouthed and unclose-nostrilled at the mutating mound of rubble.
Johnson, standing in his pile-of-rocks suit, flashed a toothy grin at him, "I got you now, short stuff!"
"Nooo!" cried Yayap as Johnson lumbered towards him.
And now for a look at the Halo 3 trailer:
Another Badly Written Halo 3 Trailer Fanfic
by masterchiefdeath
THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS!
JOHN WALKED OUT OF THE DUST AND SMOKE ON EAERTH . JOHN LOKED AT THE ARK AND SAW BLUE LGIHT ON IT. LOTS OF BANSHEES FLYED OVER JOHN AND JOHN ALMOST FIRED AT THEM BUT DIDN'T.
JOHN LOOKDE AND SAW LOT OF CONVENTANT SHIPS ON THE HOIRIZON THEY WERE FLOATING AND GETTING READY TO FIRE ON THE POSITION OF THE ARK BUT THEY WERENT REALLY TRHOUGHT JOHN THINKING THEY WERE.
JOHN LOOKED AT THE ARK AND IT FIRED AN LASER OH NO JOHN THOUGHT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO DIE I MUST SAVE EVERYTHING JOHN THOUHGHT WHEN THE ARK FIRED.
THIS IS THE WAY THE WROLD ENDS SAID CONRATNA TO JOHN AND JOHN THOUGHT IT WAS OMINSOUS.
And now we return to Sergeant Johnson and Yayap, already in progress:
Yayap lay on the grass, his face splashed with a frothy, cold liquid. Even as he tried to wipe away the stuff burning his eyes, Sergeant Johnson knelt astride him, pouring more of it on him.
"I'm-a make you squeal like a pig, boy!" shouted Johnson, dousing the tiny Unggoy in more inexpensive beer, "You like this? You like this? Have it!"
Skul sat outside, behind an ornate wooden desk, wearing glasses, even though he did not need them. Already he was developing a massive headache from being outside too long. He was glad the glasses were fake, or his headache would have been worse.
He laced his fingers together, "And now for something completely different."
saved
by 117 master 117 chief 117
1234 hours 24 December (Military calendar) year 2553
The tyres screeching really loud the Spartans drove down a town called Glasgow in Scotland. "there are Banshees flying on our six" whispered Cortana. "okay thanks" John screamed back. He looked back there were Banshees flying like Cortana said. "oh no" he thought said. The Banshees flyed in a arrow formation because they could maxamise theyre firepower that way. The front one fired a plasma at the warthog and it got thrown end over end but landed on it's wheels and keeped going. Another Banshee fired another Plasma and it hit the road and melted the road. "I'll call Fred" said Cortana he was a survivor from Reach. Fred came in a Pelican and shot missiles at the Banshees and the Banshees blew up two of them and the third got blowed up to. Kelly was also a survivor from Reach and fired at them with a Plasma Cannon too and all the Banshees were blown up.
Some Covenant were up ahead John jumped out the warthog did a flip and shot fifty grunts and twenty jackals and fifteen elites and one hunter. He reloaded and was shot by some more grunts and the warthog was also shot and it got pretty mess up unusable but Kelly was ok. They shot the grunts and kicked over a elite. John put his gun it's mouth and fired. It died.
The Spartans approached a Covenant cruiser and below it were marines crying and dying and dead. Corporal Adrian Shephard from Half-Life ran up to the master chief and saw it was the master chief andd said "Oh my god I mean master chief sir" he said "I always get that Corporal" said John. John called Fred "we need you to bomb ten battalions of Covenant and a couple of ghost" Fred said "okay John" John said "do it well" Fred said "I will" John said "make it back alive" Fred said "ok"
John asked "What happen Corporal" and the Corporal told him this: "well sir we landed over there and a bit later we set up a communicator and they attacked us we won over that hill but the com got hit we saw those ghosts the hog hit some buildings its engine was destroyed some marines ran from the explosion a plane came and blew up some Covenant and then you came" John said "ok its getting dark set up camp" Fred said "yes sir" Cortana said "get the ODSTS ready for launch in the tubs at 0600 hours" Fred said "yes ma 'am".
We will return to saved in just a moment, but first, a word from our sponsor!
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Because "u all suck!" gets annoying after a while!
*Or even the Internet, for that matter! In fact, they may stop using a PC altogether, and if you're lucky, they'll turn Amish!
Meanwhile, in another part of the city…
* EXPLOSHIN *
TEH SUPAR DUPAR AKSHIN TOTIL EKSTREEM TEEM!!!
wiht guns!
starrng…
ted -- teh leadar (green spartin)
fred –speshil forses (bloo spatrin)
ned – da snipah! (red spartin)
and intradyoosin pancho sanchez frum mexaco! (brown spartin)
2962 hours 48 july (milatary calendor) 2559
the supar dupar acshin totil ekstreem teem approached wif caushin. da covnint had 2 priznirs a man mareen and woman mareen. 2 1337s was gardin em red 1 bleu 1.
"we got teh hostiges" sed one 1337 blue.
"and ders nothin u can do 2 stop uz!" sed the other red.
help! pleez safe us 4m teh covanints! souted teh womin mareen.
ted gave da 1337s a angrei look nd sed "don't u no hoo we r? were the supar dupar akshin totil ekstreem teem!"
the 1337s laffed an one sed "o yeh? well sse abowt taht!"
fred flipped and shotted one of teh 1337annd the other 1 shotted his plamsa riffle at teh team but fred did a mattrix so he dojed the plasmaas what woz fired at him bye teh 1337.
"grrr!11! i will kill u lik a banana!1!!11!" sed 1337 red blue.
ted shotted him an d the wimmen spartin sed thnx 4 sacin me ad my firend we is very thankful
and then teh owmna kist ted and ted smieled and fred wuz all like he always get the grl.z!!11 he thot.
hboff
This topic is for posting comments to:
SUPAR DUPAR AKSHIN TOTIL EKSTREEM TEEM
Posted by expertwritter (conetactme4writtintipz@myhouse)
9 November 2004, 12:00 am
http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=expertwritter0000000000000.html
MC's Cousin
I know a guy who has a shirt that says:
"Five out of four people have trouble with fractions."
Now, I won't even go into statistics about how many people have trouble with writing.
BlasTech
You know, I wonder why Wu doesn't raise the bar for fan fiction submissions standards. Really. It would take a load off my back. Seems like we have nothing but CS kiddies here now.
- Dave.
Solidus Snake
Don't know, didn't like the story. At least you used the Code.
Master Sushi
Now I know flaming is bad, very bad but there is a strong voice in the back of my head saying
"I hate this guy, I really hate him. He better not tell me where he lives because I've got it in for him."
I'm sorry but that's what it's saying.
DO NOT USE TXT LANGUAGE
Are you a 7 year old girl?
Do you like Busted (If yes you are an idiot anyway)
If the answer is 'no' to both of those questions then you are an idiot to use txt language. Anywhere. Text speak is the Devil's speak.
Also, what the hell is a '1337'? This isn't CS!
shutupusukk
this is the offer uv the supar dupar acshin totil ekstreem teem. i want to stert dis lettur kinddly bye seyin f**k uuuuuu!!!!!!!!!! o yeh just sey bad fingz coz ur storys is crap!!!! my frenz red my storay nd dey likked it!!! u iz al sad u are just all sitttin in ur nerd rooms and try 2 mak ur sh***y stoays perfact fanfc is ust a fun thing u brainles morins dunt ha v a chns at sdoin good naywher!!!! f**k u u stoopid **********************************************!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now for another exciting episode of…
Not Very Long Tales of Slight Trepidation
by Mr. Laugh
Bob Chucken entered the old, abandoned space station. The Grandpa Rug had been empty for years. The only things the station contained were pitch-black corridors, empty, dead rooms and the feel of decay hung in the stillness. Nothing of value remained.
Except for Bob's treasure.
He walked through the dark corridors, intent on retrieving a valuable object he had hidden inside one of the many rooms.
He had heard of something called 'The Beast of Grandpa Rug', but never believed the stories about people who had arrived on the station being killed by a creature that melded with the shadows. It was just foolishness. Besides, nothing had attacked him when he had first arrived on the station to hide his treasure.
Bob soon arrived at Room 666 where he had hidden his valued object. He stepped through the threshold and was promptly attacked by a monster that had been hiding inside the room.
The Beast of Grandpa Rug had claimed yet another victim.
Continuing our theme of victims, we bring you a man who has had many victims. Please welcome Mr. Destruction.
TOTAL CARNAGE STARRING MR. DESTRUCTION!!!
by ServantofMars
Mr. Destruction, the Ultimate Death Soldier of Project Apocalypse, with his ten arms, decuple-wielded his self-made Ultra Rocket Launchers of Oblivion. One hundred Elites charged at him, firing their pitiful dual-wielded Plasma Rifles.
"HAW HAW HAW!!!" Mr. Destruction roared with laughter, "YOU THINK YOU CAN DESTROY ME!!!? WE WILL SEE WHO GETS DESTROYED AND WHO EATS THE CORPSES OF THEIR ENEMIES FOR BREAKFAST!!!"
Mr. Destruction was hungry. Very hungry. He hadn't eaten for almost half-an-hour. The sheer power of his condition meant his body used up its energy far quicker than a normal human's. Luckily for Mr. Destruction, he was able to ingest anything (anything), but he preferred to devour the lifeless bodies of his fallen enemies. Before consuming any of them, however, he often added a pinch of salt, just for flavour, or, preferably, if it was on-hand, molten lava. He liked lava the most – it gave everything that extra bit of zest.
A stray bolt of superheated plasma flew over Mr. Destruction's head, singeing his hair, which regenerated back instantly. However, the fact that a simple plasma bolt fired by a worthless Elite burnt his hair made Mr. Destruction extremely unhappy. His super-senses detected the Plasma Rifle that had fired the plasma bolt. He looked with pure hatred at the Elite holding the weapon. Mr. Destruction pointed all ten of his Ultra Rocket Launchers of Oblivion at the split-jawed alien and fired every launcher at the same time.
He did fifteen back-flips in one jump and landed ten miles away on top of a twenty-storey parking lot. The Ultra Rockets impacted and a black hole was formed, sucking in all one hundred Elites into its powerful crushing core. The black hole vanished in a massive explosion that destroyed five city blocks.
Mr. Destruction smiled, but the smile vanished quickly as he realised that he could now not eat the corpses.
"NOOOOO!!! DAMN MY ANGER!!! NOW WHAT WILL I FEAST ON!!!?"
"You will never feast on anything again, Mr. Destruction," said a voice.
Mr. Destruction turned around and saw a ten-foot Armageddon Mega Spartan.
"SO!!! ONE OF ACKERSON'S SPARTANS, HUH!!!? HOW ABOUT I EAT YOU!!!?"
Without waiting for a response, Mr. Destruction charged at the Armageddon Mega Spartan and launched a devastating Quintuple Left Hook. The very air exploded when all five massive, muscular fists connected with the Armageddon Mega Spartan's Death Armour. The Spartan flew back and crashed into the wall of a building five kilometres away. Without a pause, the Spartan leapt straight back towards Mr. Destruction and felled him with a Flying Atomic Power Kick. The ten-armed soldier fell from the roof of the parking lot and landed on a fuel truck. The truck went up in a massive explosion, the shockwave throwing cars and people in all directions.
But that didn't stop Mr. Destruction. Bleeding and hungry, he chewed his way through the twisted, burning metal that lay atop him. Once free, he looked up in time to dodge a well-aimed Super Hell Stomp from the Armageddon Mega Spartan. The Spartan's attack ploughed through the concrete, bringing him and the remains of the fuel truck down into the bowels of the earth.
"BWA HA HA!!!" laughed Mr. Destruction, "NOBODY CAN STOP ME!!! NOW TO EAT YOUR COR—"
The soldier never got to finish his sentence as the Spartan somersaulted back up to street level.
"Not so fast, Destruction," said the Spartan.
"MISTER DESTRUCTION!!!" amended the Project Apocalypse soldier.
"Whatever. Ackerson wants you dead and dead you will be!"
"WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!!!"
The two freaks of nature ran at each other. When they connected, all dimensions of space and time disappeared for both eternity and an infinitesimally small amount of time. When everything was restored, Mr. Destruction stood over the body of the Spartan. The super-ultra-mega soldier smiled evilly and prepared to pound the Spartan into mush. He raised all ten arms and then brought them down. However, while they had obliterated the ground where they impacted, the Spartan had somehow managed to dodge the attack and get behind Mr. Destruction. Giving the soldier no time to think, the Spartan delivered the powerful Backhand Smash of Death. However, Mr. Destruction never twitched. He turned and the ten-foot Armageddon Mega Spartan saw that the hulking soldier's eyes were glowing red.
"KARATE CHOP OF DEVESTATION!!!"
The Spartan saw three massive hands come towards him before he was sliced in four. A second later, he detonated in a massive explosion.
Wasting no time, Mr. Destruction leapt from building to building towards Fire Base Whiskey Tango Foxtrot – the place where Ackerson was waiting.
Smashing through the Titanium-A+++ roof, Mr. Destruction glared at Ackerson.
"YOU TRIED TO KILL ME, ACKERSON, BUT YOUR SPARTAN FAILED!!! NOW YOU WILL MEET THE SAME FATE!!!"
"My Armageddon Mega Spartan failed? But… it had Death Armour! That armour is impenetrable…!"
"NOT TO ME, ACKERSON!!! NOW… DIE!!!"
Mr. Destruction's hands balled into fists and his eyes glowed solid gold.
"SUPER ULTRA INFINITE HELL DESTRUCTION CRUSH-KILL-'N'-DESTROY UNIVERSE FIST OF THE GODS!!!"
All ten of Mr. Destruction's fists, glowing with an unnatural energy, flew towards Ackerson. The attack caused ten simultaneous nuclear explosions to happen at once. Nothing within a five thousand hectare radius remained. In the centre, at ground zero, stood Mr. Destruction.
"MAYBE THAT WILL TEACH YOU NOT TO TRY AND KILL ME … HAW HAW HAW!!!"
To cool down, let's read something less action-oriented.
Nah, that'll be boring. More action on the way!
Da cheif is a 1337 pimp!!!!!
by caucasian_male_likes_music
Yo peeps wasaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!! lol! My freinds satys my sotry was cool so I shod put it up on ehere cause it 1337, yo! This one is called The cheif is a 1337 pimp. i no u will all lik eit its its own kind of story which makes it cool!!! Get down with it, dawgs!
The chief ran dead fast down a hill and saw a grunt. THe grunt saw him to and shot at him with its plasma waepon. The chief was 1337 so he turned his back and he shot the grunt in the head without looking right between hte eyes. It died.
The chief lol'ed at the grunt. He went over and kicked it and said "HAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHA" I'm bettwer trained and u arent so you suck! A bunch of jackels came oevr around a corner hill and the chief saw them. He fired but it was too late. They had fired and his shields went down. He lay on the ground and shot the jackals, pwning them. No seriously, they were PWNED!
(Okay, this next bit is awesome! The chief gets attacked by 20 elites but his shields are down but he's saved by some marines who help him pwn the elites's's's's's's (lol) bitch-asses(lol!!!)
20 elites (see?) ran towards the chief from a hill. The chief was screwed cause his shiels were still down cause of the jackals that shot him. Marines came out the building and shot the elites. They all died in 5 secs flat (see, again?) "We is with u chief" said the marine leader and chief was very happy so he smiled at them, but not in a gay way, cause the chief isnt gay. "You are all so 1337 you can get updated to generals when we get bak" all the marines were happy but one wasnt happy. "WTF is it soldier" asked the cheif. "I wanna kill more of them" said the marine. "i find that funny" said the chief.
cortana said "hey there are marines by the river getting pwned by flood (lol, river, flood, get it?) help them". Before all that, a grende landed next to the chief and he was blown into the air and hit the ground real hard. All the marines that saved him was dead. An elite came at him but the chief new tie-kwan-d'oh and did a bycycle kick "HEEE YAAAAA" shouted the chief and killed the elite. the chief ripped of the elites head and kicked it about like a ball.
(HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! Yeah funny bit, innit? Yeah, its awesome and funny. I know its funny, cause eveyone who read it says its funny)
The flood were all psycho when he got 2 them. THe chief shot them all beacuse the marines was arleady all dead.
"Awesome chief said cortana i will reward u in bed later" and the chief got a boner.
More flood came but a marine came along and helped him. All the flood were pussies and were dead easily in 10 secs. The chief did a rave dance on there bodys.
"You were cool chief siad cortanta mission acomplished" and a pelican came donw. THe chief got in and the female pilot winked at him so he went into the cockput to have some fun with her and cortana.
(This is the best part of the story, I think cause its got coratna and another woman and the chief all about to u no what)
The lights in Skul's office went out.
"Mr. Skul?" boomed a voice, accompanied by an intense burst of light.
"Yes?" replied Skul. He looked over and gasped when he saw a large figure silhouetted by the bright, white light from behind. Peering through the glare, Skul saw a muscle-bound someone wielding a spotlight like a minigun.
Skul couldn't make out the features of the large figure, but he could see it was wearing a trenchcoat – billowing, in a trenchcoaty way – and a wide-brimmed hat.
"What do you think you're doing?" asked the large shadow in the same booming voice.
Only one person could have such an over-the-top voice… thought Skul, Wado… and the one behind him must be Dave…
"What do you mean? What's wrong?"
"You know what I mean. I'm afraid your account is going to have to be deactivated for a while."
"What? Why? What did I do?" asked Skul, panicking.
"You're violating the unwritten rule of stringing a bunch of crap stories together while being a bad author."
"A bad author? What do you mean?"
"You're writing's not very good is what I mean."
"Hey, I've been improving ever since I joined!"
"Not to me."
"So I'm not up to your standards, so what?"
"Sorry, but you can't string crap stories together while being a bad author. It's perfectly acceptable if you're a competent author, like me."
Wado picked up Skul and carried him off.
One trip to the HBO Jail later…
"Let me out of here!" cried Skul, rattling the cage bars, "I didn't do anything wrong! Come on, nobody told me about this 'unwritten rule'!"
Skul's shouting wakened his cellmate, a young boy of Spanish descent. The Spaniard, dressed in a badly-constructed, homemade Spartan suit locked his blank eyes on Skul.
"I didn't even get my one PM!" continued Skul, oblivious to the Spanish Spartan who was getting up behind him.
"oh skuuuuuuuul!!!!!" slobbered the Spartan.
Skul turned to face the voice.
"Oh… shit…!" he moaned.
spanish spartan began to meander towards the boneheaded author, who began yelling at the top of his lungs and rattling the cage bars louder than before.
His cries went unanswered.
A LA FIN TO THE MAX!
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