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Halo: A potsmoker's guide to this Galaxy
Posted By: GrnMJOLNIR<grnmjolnir@sbcglobal.net>
Date: 19 February 2006, 6:49 am
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Halo: A Potsmoker's Guide to this Galaxy
Prologue
Okay, so this is the full version of Halo and The Fall of Reach by Eric Nylund. Well, poor Eric only let you know about the good stuff of this adventure, that of course was totally embellished on top of that, but I don't blame Eric, those ONI guys only let out what they want the public to know. Plus Bungie, a subsidiary of ONI, really knows how to, lets say, "convince" someone to do what they want them to. This of course is how they plan to dominate the world. But you needn't worry, I have been able to hack into the " O " files and bring you the truth behind Halo. This story is translated from that damn governmental mumbo jumbo and shortened to leave out details that were true in the versions you have read. So now to Halo: A Potsmoker's Guide to this Galaxy. And no, I don't smoke pot, I just use that line to grab attention. Don't do drugs, ok? Good, now I can't get sued. ON WITH THE STORY!
Chapter One: Everything Before Halo
Well, where should I start? I guess it all started with a futuristic Einstein who developed a cure for Hemorrhoids. This then allowed another brilliant inventor to sit down and get high after his wife left him, which led to his hallucination of an engine for super-fast space travel that would revolutionize the world. . . .His name was Shaw Fujikawa (figures that a jap would invent it, oh well.) and now he lives richly just a few blocks from his ex and has parties every night. (Hehe, his wife *f*ed up.) How does it work? Keep your pants on, I'm going to tell you. On second thought, take them off again, I feel awkward when I am the only one not wearing them. Feels good, don't it? Well, enjoy it. So this engine basically opens a huge hole in this compressed universe within a universe that allow super-fast travel. Whoa, that's deep man...
After this marvelous invention that got that guy an ultimate pass to pick up girls with, mankind began to conquer, I mean discover, other worlds and use them for our personal gain. (The first colony was, in fact, designated as a giant golf corse. Watch out when you go there though, the sand traps are a bitch, think Sahara.) This colonization was because our sun is, after all, a time bomb, 40 million years till it blows... oh my god!
In the mix of this, some of the workers at the golf course and condo planets got pissed because minium wage laws didn't apply off of earth, so they began to rebel. Well, these guys were packing heat, I mean wooden swords and everything, so the earth command made a galaxy-wide police force to keep control. This high command actually developed out of the organization known as the EU when it took over the world and the apocalypse was barely averted. (I know that sucks, I was looking forward to paradise, but some dumb hippy screwed things up... jeez.) This was called the UNSC, a.k.a. Unique 'n Special Commanders. Trust me, if you see their battle tactics, they are VERY SPECIAL. Also, they made the more secret UNMC, Ugly Nobody Moving Commission, which took all of the ugly people and put them on one planet. Its sad but true, alas some where spared, I mean, look at Admiral Hood... but I am getting ahead of myself.
Well after years of constant uprise and retaking control with the UNSC fleet, finally the intelligence organization, known as ONI a.k.a. Oxymoron Naval Intelligence, got all huffed up and had some chick doctor, Dr. Halsey, steal children from their sleep at home and train them to be soldiers. (Wow recruiting numbers must have really been down, they just bypassed the regular draft and went for black opts.) So then after all the training and schooling they went through they developed a bond only brothers & sisters could have. Or maybe really close cousins. But not too close of cousins, after all they aren't from Alabama. So once that was done not only did these people screw with the mental and social parts of their life, but they had to screw with what God gave them. Oh and they called them Spartans. Okay, so they enhance them with cool things like bionic arms, x-ray vision, super strength, and whatnot. Then they sick them on those damn rebel's ass's. I wonder why Darth Vader never thought of this?
The first mission that these guys had to do was to infiltrate a whole base of these rebels in a big asteroid and take their leader, sounds easy enough, especially since they get in easy enough and no one pays attention to them. When they exit, what do they do? Hot wire a ship silently, or knock out a pilot in one of the hundreds of ships and just fly out discretely? NO WAY! That's a crazy plan, instead they decide to alert the whole base and blow the hell out of the bay window and then take a lone ship out. Same plan, but with explosives and more deaths. Then the leader of the group, John a.k.a. Master Chief, feels guilty about it. Well hell, he should! That whole plan was just an excuse for an explosion.
So then these guys get debriefed and then find out about some colony getting toasted and some ships roasting marshmallows around it and they get steamed because it was their best golf course planet and the UCSC Commander had played a 52 game of golf there. This of course was only because a cheating hole moving system was installed for VIPs. So then they send a small fleet to take out something that would blow up a planet, yeah that's a smart idea. Only one ship survived the encounter because its captain realized: hey! All of the other ships are being destroyed. Maybe I should get out of here! Well the report is that these new guys are strong, no kidding, just the fact that only one ship came back kind of said that itself.
Well these guys decide to use all the ships they can to take back this colony, they lose like 12 against one ship with shields... sad huh? Even with nukes they get beat up. At this time the UNSC decides how to place ships to protect the best property that they own and the Spartans get to go to a secret planet to get sweet armor with... Wait for it... Drum roll... PERSONAL SHIELDS. Holy crap. After this their ship gets mixed up in a tango with another alien ship and discover that they are called the covenant and are bent on destroying mankind. I didn't realize golf could be that offensive. The only way that this ship can get away is to blow a hole in it, so they did and it kept coming. Then they don't even bother to shoot again and go with plan B. All I know is that I have to kill some deranged psycho by shooting I won't shoot them in the arm and then when they come back up wrestle them, no screw that. I'll shoot them again and again until they finally die. So again a dumb plan is put into action and three of the Spartans board the enemy ship and leave a bomb, but unfortunately one of them gets a tear in their suit and have to stay behind and die. Good job plan B.
Some time passes after this. Months to be exact. And a Commander by the name of Keyes, who also took part in the Spartan project and ironically enough later unlocks the horrors of Halo, is just patrolling some low population planet, probably so he and his men could get some shore leave, if you know what I mean. They ARE after all sailors. Well while on patrol three Covenant ships come out of nowhere and start blowing stuff up but Keyes has a brain and beats the crap out of the three ships with their own weapons. He is a ship commander that has a brain? HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH ,HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, HAL-LE-LU-JAH.
So after the massive and embarrassing ass whoopn' that Keyes handed out. A huge fleet comes to protect this planet from any more of these guys. And once they get there they realize uh oh, aliens are on the planet, send some inept marines in to a Vietnam like place to try and take them out, and don't even give them air support or bombard the planet. Wow, these guys are smart. Well after the marines get handed a major ambush and the whole base they set up turned into a crater ONI, in its infinite wisdom think, hey! Lets try out our new toys! So they sent in the good ol' Spartans. Well the Spartans go in and set a nuke in a town, evacuate citizens, save all of the golf clubs, take the fine wine and go to a museum. Sounds like a children's show: The Spartans go to: The Museum. "Hey kiddies! See this? This is the rarest fossil in the universe. Only one of these still exist. Now what we're going to use here is a centimeter cube of plastic explosives to blow this up and have the fragments impale into the skull of a passerby alien. This will cause blood and brain matter to spill out leaving a puddle of what was once a head. Here lets watch." (Two minutes later) Pow! Splat! "Wow, that was a big splat, kiddies!"
If you know anything about these guys then you know that they trash millions of dollars worth of art and history. While they shoot the crap out of the priceless works of art, a hunter, the covenant equivalent of a mac truck, is busy taking samples of some rock that Mick Jagger spit on and a sweat towel used by Gene Simmons from KISS. Those covenant are really into that ancient "flip" (we call this rock) music of the 1980's, aren't they?
Okay, so then the Spartans hit them and hit them hard, but because they didn't have the foresight to bring rocket launchers they take a beating. That is until the Chief figures out that the floor is wood and they shoot the crap out of it until the rock and hunter fall into the basement. They were lucky that there was a basement, that would have been one big mistake if not. Well the rock lands on the hunter and it is a big friggin rock that is almost twice the thing's size and it still isn't dead. I tell you, his was like an crack addict that was getting beat by the cops, he just won't stay down.
Well his brother comes out from another room and the Spartans are like SH@# and beat a quick retreat to regroup with the rest of the team. So when they get together it turns out that they planted a nuke in downtown of this city that they are in. Oh yeah, don't even try to save the rock that the aliens were scanning, noooo. Destroy it so that you will never know why they wanted it so badly that they took an entire planet. Jeez, I know that military is known for not having brains, but this isn't quantum physics. Even a dumbass private knows ya don't blow up what could help your own cause. Sheese.
So then they take off and blow up the nuke to destroy all the bad guys in the city only to face a another big battle in space. There is like 15 covenant ships and 20 some human ships. Well the humans win, with only five surviving ships and killing five ships while the other covenant guys get away. Sounds like a REAL win to me! Well the ONI guys use this as propaganda for the people on earth and other colonies. So now the guy who was going to invent a super weapon to destroy the covenant ships easily decides to procrastinate because of the report that the humans are now winning, then this marvelous mind that would have end the war is stuck to the sidewalk after getting hit by a car. Good job ONI!
Well after the battle is celebration and just before Keyes makes his ship depart for slipspace, an unoticable hunk of meter long metal starts a small rocket and attaches itself to his ship. Hmmm... I wonder what that is. Well Keyes takes his ship to Reach, ONI headcourters and the largest space fortress in the UNSC this place has like twenty big ol' MAC guns that can gut a ship with one round, but as you know from the title of the book that Eric Nylund wrote, that those guns will fail to defend the place. And for those who thought that the Fall of Reach meant that the place fell out of the sky, I think some rehab will be good for you. Or your just a dumbass.
So this fortress known as Reach is on its way to being attacked, but before it is the Spartans are put one this lumpy, scrap metal ship that is under the command of the newly promoted Captain Keyes. Their mission is simple at this point. Damage a covenant ship, take it over, and leave Barbra Streisand on board. By this time she is 5000 years old and actually sounds a little better when she sings. This is because he vocal cords wore out and she took the chair that Stephen Hawking owned before he was uploaded into a computer. Now Stephen is now a porn site at his request. Now he has loads of naked women on him for once in his life. Every once and a while if you listen real close to the computer while on his site you can here him sing in his monotone robot voice, "Heaven! I'm in Heaven! And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak!". Oh and trust me, after knowing that humans can produce people like Barbra Streisand, they will say "Aw fuck no! Screw this, we'll kill some vulcans instead!".
Then all of a sudden a bunch of ships come out from no where and begin to attack Reach's, fortress set up. So the people are on full alert and pull up the draw bridge and warm up the boiling oil, meanwhile, upstairs General Custard comes to visit and the ships line up in a Phalanx position. Perfect, close together they will appear like a big target and scare them away! Ohhh! So the shooting starts the human ships all blow up after two shots when the explosion of one ship chain reacts the others that were too close. The only thing that might stop this Armada, is the MAC guns, but those are quickly just stopped because those "Dee-Da-Dee's" (to borrow a line from Carlos Mencia) Didn't notice an entire fleet of transports just go around the battle and send thousands of troops planet side to take out the guns.
At this point the Spartans split up. Three stay in space to destroy data about earth on a ship and the rest go planet side to take out thousands of these badass bad guys without nukes. Their screwed of course, but they go anyways. I think their bosses don't like them much. They always get suicidal jobs. The three in space float around to this data on a ship until one farts and is thrown off course and dies a slow, smelly death. So the other two continue without him only to have one more get shot the crap out of her and "technically" die. I know, I didn't get that phrase either. This part obviously was taken from an anime cartoon, ha! "Technically Dead". Hmmm... now I guess that will be a new anime name. I want a percent of profit if that's the case. Remember, you heard it here first!
Well the "dead" Spartan and the Chief get on Keyes' ship and take off in a random direction to random coordinates. And by "random" I mean purposely being put in the line of danger because Cortana (the ship's AI) took the coordinates on the McJagger rock that the covenant were scanning, thus sending them to.... The world's largest hula hoop. But after they got bored with Arkansas, (were there is, incidently, also the largest ball of twine) they took off again randomly to a giant ring. The after visiting the well that the Ring was filmed at they went to Halo and blew it up. They didn't like Halo, Kansas, which is why they toasted it and left only to end up at the planet Threshold and found HALO. The real one. I'm done jerking you around. Ummm.... The end.... Or is it? Actually no its not. This is just Chapter One.
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