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The Newb Wars by ShotgunGoBOOM
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The Newb Wars Part 1
Date: 6 March 2005, 3:02 AM
(Author's side note: This was a story I originally sent this to Haloib.com, and I used all the username of my pals their for characters. So if you're wondering who everyone is, it's just some of the guys at Haloib.)
Smoke and Brian stood next to each other. Smoke was wearing pure white Mark V MJOLNIR armor, and Brian was wearing the same armor, but it was green. "It seems the might dynasty of the Hell fourm has ended, Smoke." Brian said to Smoke, with a grin on his face. "Yeah, I didn't like it much anyway. It got boring after people ran out of good insults." Smoke replied. "Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Smoke!" Brian replied and took out a birthday card. "Whoa, thanks. What did ya get me?" Smoke asked as he opened the card. Out fell the keys to a brand spanking new...WARTHOG!!!!! "Wow!! Thanks Brian! This is the best!" Smoke said as he hugged the Warthog. Then he started to hump it. "Uh....okay you can stop now Smoke." Brian said with a funny look on his face. Just then, ShotgunGoBOOM came over with PERSON_OF_DOOM. "Hey guys, whats going on? I noticed Smoke's humping something again...." SGB said, gesturing to Smoke,who by now had started to sweat from all the humping. "You know,it suddenly looks like lunchtime...I...gotta go!" Person said, with his face looking like he was about to burst out laughing. "Uh...lemme go help you." SGB said and sped off after him. "Ok, i'm going to go okay Smoke?" Brian said and ran off also. By then smoke had started to take of his clothes....
*5 hours later*
Leagcy-ZERO was test the Covenant Caribine when David walked up. "Hey Legacy, have you noticed anything weird?" David asked Legacy. "No, why?" Legacy replied. "Well, ever since the Hell fourm was deleted, the newbs have been kind of...well, quiet. Not like it's a bad thing of course." David added hastily when he saw Lagacy's frown. "Now that you meantion it, it is kind of strange." Legacy said.
Just then the Alarm sounded. SGB and Rawn had been playing checkers, and the alarm had just made SGB forget the move that would win the game. "Oh CRAP! I was just about to win." SGB complained. He ran to the armory with
PERSON and Brian. As he arrived, he picked a Shotgun, plasma rifle, 4 plasma
grenades, and 4 frag grenades. PERSON picked a Sniper Rifle, plasma pistol, and couple
of grenades. Brian picked a good ol' Assault Rifle and pistol, along with grenades. Up
front, there was BISHOP, M6D, Smoke(who by now looked like doing it with a
car had been better then any babe),and Rawnblade. AP stoop at the front.
"Okay, I just recived intel from halo2gmer that the newbs have become to
restless, and have declared war on the good people of us! Now if you'll turn
you're attention to attack patern Halo 2 rulz....
*Meanwhile*
DejaVu/Pixel was impatiently watching the HaloIb base, waiting for an
attack. he had taken command of the newbs because he was the only one
experienced enough to lead, and he was the only bad guy left of the
Ibonk+Spammer war. Suddenly a copper screamed overhead, loaded with SGB,
Rawnblade, and Smoke.
*On the dropship*
SGB was nervous. In 5 minutes they would land a good 2 miles from the Newb
base. Rawn would use his Sniper Rifle to snipe DejaVu/Pixel, just to wound him. That
would send the base into chaos; with all the newbs asking stupid questions
only they would ask while trying to make it to safety. Meanwhile, Smoke and
himself would infiltrate the area quietly. Rawn smiled when he noticed SGB
was looking nervous. "Hey don't worry. Once you get inside and radio AP,
he'll send reinforcements. I'm going to have the only tough part," He said
with a smile. SGB felt a little better. Smoke, however was asleep and
drooling on the chair. Rawn shook him awake. "Smoke, Smoooooooke." Rawn said
in ghost voice. "Huh wha? Who's there?" Smoke muttered in his sleep. "You
will obey me...you will uh...become Indiana Jones whenever one of us says
'Beef Banana'." SGB said in a ghost voice also. "I will become Indiana Jones when you say 'Beef Banana'...." Smoke said
and suddenly woke up. "Are we almost there?" Smoke asked. "Pretty soon." SGB
said with a straight face. He looked over at Rawn. Rawn was about to burst
out laughing. "Okay then." Smoke said and looked out the window.
*5 minutes later*
"Hey Smoke, we're here. Come on!" I told Smoke as I shook him. He still
didn't budge. "I think i'll stay here." "Alright. I didn't want to do this but...Beef Banana!" I
whispered into his ear. Instantly he stood up, took out a whip from somewhere
in his pocket, and jumped out of the still landing Pelican, latching onto a
rock and slamming into it. Rawn laughed and jumped to ground. "Huh? Is this mission
starting?" Smoke said in a daze. "Yeah, come on." Rawn replied. He took out
the Sniper Rifle and got it ready. SGB and Smoke took out their weapons also and
slowly started toward the Newb base. Rawn followed them until they were
about 300 meters from the base. Rawn gazed into the scope and put the SR's
legs down, then laid down himself. "SGB to base, SGB to base, come in base. We are
near the Newb base and are ready to begin phase 1 of attack strategy Halo 2
rulz." SGB said into his COM. "We hear you SGB. We are beginning phase 1 too. Go
on in." AP replied over his COM. SGB nodded to Smoke and they both took out
grappling hooks just as Rawn fired the first shot.
*Meanwhile*
DejaVu/Pixel yelled in agony. The Sniper Bullet had entered his calf and
exited on the other side. Now blood was beginning to seep out. All the newbs
had started to yell and run for safety. "Sniper! Get rid of him!" DejaVu
yelled into his radio and staggered into the medical bay. DejaVu cursed. No
way were the Ibonk members and staff going to take him down. No way.
*Meanwhile*
SGB could barely suppress a grin as the newbs started running for cover
behind rocks, tents, and trees. Smoke was laughing. "What idiots!" he
chuckled. They were both climbing up the base wall, and everything was
sideways. SGB started humming the Mission Impossible theme. They reached the top of the wall and jumped down, pulling their
grappling hooks down to them. Then they both activated the active cameo AP had
connected to their suits. Instantly they turned invisible. Slowly creeping
first into the armory, they put bombs onto the grenade crate and just before they could set the timer, when SGB felt something hit him in the
back. SGB had just enough time to whisper, "Beef Banana" before he went
down. A strange change came over Smoke. He did a triple back flip, took out
a whip, and was just about to take out his attacker when he was whacked by a
second person. But not before he hit the panic button on his helmet.
Instantly Smoke and SGB were out cold, defenseless.
*At the base*
AP and Legacy saw the Panic alarm flash. That meant SGB and Smoke were going
to need some help. "Legacy, get me M6D, Bishop, Brian, and PERSON. We're
going to use brute force." AP said.
Rawnblade was still sniping. It had been fun to shoot the Newbs one-by-one.
Then AP signaled him. "Rawn, come in. This is AgitatedPancake." AP said into
the radio. "I'm still sniping sir, total body count right now is 5." Rawn
replied. "Okay, we're sending in a drop ship. M6D, BISHOP, Brian, and PERSON
are getting ready to charge the base. Get on the drop ship when it arrives."
AP said. "Negative sir! Those two are my teamates. I won't leave them behind!" AP sighed. "Damn heros...fine. You have permission to go with them." "Thank you, sir." Rawn said and cut signal.
What will happen next time? Will SGB and Smoke be rescued? Find out next time!
The Newb Wars Part 2
Date: 6 March 2005, 3:06 AM
"So, M6D, what weapon are you going to bring?" Maverick asked him. "You
know, the usual. My legendary M6D pistol with the extended barrel, and a
Shotgun." M6D replied. Maverick took out double pistols. "These things
helped me save Grace in one of my freelance missions. I'll use 'em again."
He muttered. PERSON took a Rocket Launcher and a Battle Rifle. Brian grabbed a Battle Rifle also and a
Brute Shot. "Man these Halo 2 imports kick ass!" Brian said. BISHOP grabbed
a Plasma rifle and a SMG. They were all ready. They silently all jumped into
the Pelican and started toward the Newb Base. The Pelican's engines roared
and then became a distant buzz as AP watched it go.
*At the Newb Base*
"So.... you're a team from HaloIb headquarters? Strange that they would only
send in a team of two.... But no matter. You're going to die soon enough."
DejaVu said as he paced in front of them. SGB had a black eye and a broken
leg, and Smoke had a bloody lip, a broken arm, and a dislocated wrist. That
had been from the guards. But a far worse fate awaited both of them. They
both were staring stonily at the wall, not acknowledging him. "So, you would
both rather die then reveal the secrets of HaloIb?" DejaVu asked. For some
reason unbeknownst to him, their silence infuriated him more then them
yelling insults at him. He punched SGB in the chest, but SGB didn't even cry
out. Just as he was about to yell for the execution of his two silent
prisoners, the door exploded and a heavily armed group charged in. At first, SGB and Smoke thought that AP had sent a
team to rescue them, when they saw that the situation had just gotten worse.
It wasn't a team AP sent, but Bungie employees! "Oh Sh-"
DejaVu had just enough time to say before a Bungie employee got him with a
syringe. Instantly he slumped unconscious. Smoke and SGB both felt a needle
inject something into them, and then they fell into darkness.
*On the drop ship, 1 hour later*
M6D dropped to the ground, followed by Brian, PERSON, and BISHOP. As they
looked at the base, they saw a cloud of smoke coming from the ceiling. All
the newbs were either dead, or unconscious. The pilot, MooJuice, took off,
and promptly smashed into the base. The Pelican exploded and MooJuice died a
tragic, yet stupid, death. "She was stupid anyway." BISHOP said. They all
cocked their guns and headed to the base. As they got close, the encountered Rawnblade. "Hey guys. The last time I saw them, they had climbed up the wall." "Ok, Rawnblade. Follow us." Brian said. Rawn nodded. They entered the base, and since
all the Newbs were either unconscious or had run off, they encountered
no resistance. Finally they reached the interrogation room. Inside, they
found blood on the floor, the door blown open, some tiles broken, and 7's written all over the
wall in crude text. "Oh my god. Bungie has been here." BISHOP said,
instantly recognizing the marks, since he was there during the armed raid on
Bungie, and seen Jetboogieman die tragically. "That means only one thing."
Brian said quietly. "You don't mean....?" PERSON asked. "Yes. Bungie is
after the copy of Halo 2 we stole. Again." Brian said.
"AP, we have a situation here." Bishop said into the radio. *Cshh* "What
is it, BISHOP? I'm kinda busy trying to fix Smoke's new Warthog on a
uh...test drive and I want to fix it before he gets back and gets pissed."
AP replied. *Cshh* "Bungie has kinapped Smoke and SGB. I think Frankie
commanded this. You can tell by the way the 7s are written. They look kinda
like Mister Chief if you squint and turn your head at 48 degree an-" "Shut
up! I don't need any detail. All we need to do is find Smoke and SGB. They
know even more then you can possibly THINK! I'm sending a dropship toward
your position." AP said. *Cshh* "Sir, yes Sir! We will go rescue them!"
BISHOP told him and cut signal. BISHOP then walked over to the team. "It
looks like were going on the next armed raid on Bungie. Are you ready?"
BISHOP asked them. Instantly they all snapped a salute and said "SIR, YES
SIR!" "Then lets get the hell out of here and res-" Suddenly they heard a
sharp CRACK and and M6D fell to the ground, dead. "OH SH*T! TAKE COVER!"
PERSON yelled at the top of his lungs and dived behind a rock. Everyone
complied, and Brian almost got a pat on the back by a bullet. As soon as
they all took cover behind some sand dunes and peeked over to see who was
shooting them. All their jaws dropped.
*At Bungie HQ*
Smoke and SGB were about ready to give in. The whole mission had been a
disaster. But SGB had one hope left. What Frankie and his goons didn't know
was that Smoke still acted like Indiana Jones whenever SGB said Beef Banana.
As both of them lay on the ground, with a weird drug in them that prevented
them from saying insults, SGB was trying to loosen the ropes that help both
of them together, in a position that a perverted goon had put them in. SGB
finally gave up just as Frankie came back in. "So, you thought we wouldn't
try to get the copy of Halo 2 even after it was released? Wrong! What you
don't know is that when you enter a secret command, you are able to see...A
PREVIEW OF HALO 3! Now, tell me where you hid the copy?" Frankie demanded.
Smoke managed to free himself from the perverto position and looked at
Frankie. "Never you son of a...what was I saying? Damn drug. I can't even
insult him." Smoke gave up. SGB struggled to sit up. "Okay, okay, I'll tell.
I hid it in...the...the..." He said. "Yes?" Frankie said, excited.
"The...BEEF BANANA!" Suddenly, Smoke jumped up, tore his bonds loose, and
grabbed a Indiana Jones Hat (copywrite). "NO! NOT INDIANA JONES! IT'S MISTER
CHIEFS ONE WEAKNESS!" Frankie screamed. He tried to run away, but it was to
late. He melted and became a mere flesh-colored puddle. SGB grabbed the
keys, and started toward the door. Suddenly it burst open and a flood of
flood came in. "OH SH*T!" SGB screamed.
*Meanwhile, back at the Newb base....*
It was Bonk who was shooting at them. "Holy Crap! It's the almighty one! How do we stand a chance?"
Brian said. "We'll just have to try." BISHOP said grimly.
And so, the elite forces of IBonk assualted the creator of IBonk, Bonk. It
was almost suicidal, and the most amazing thing the Author had ever written
was about to happen, when he suffered a fatal heart attack and died (obvious
Monty Python and the Holy Grail rip-off). His heart should start beating
again soon.
What will happen next time? Will SGB and Smoke survive the flood onslaught?
Will BISHOP and his team beat Bonk? WHY AM I ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS?
Find out next time on THE NEWB WARS
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