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Halothon by Alisdair Newton-Wade
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Halothon Chapters 1-5
Date: 3 May 2004, 11:00 AM
A note: Italics refer to what the characters are doing.
Character List:
Master Chief: The sole survivor of the SPARTAN-II project. A super-soldier, who wears a MJOLNIR MK V battle suit which contains Cortana in its AI port.
MJOLNIR MK IV: A military MJOLNIR cyborg, of completely no relation to the Master Chief - the two are from completely separate projects. Also a super-soldier. Originally protected the Marathon, was kidnapped by Durandal and forced to do his bidding.
Cortana: The Master Chief's AI, she guides and instructs him. Sees Durandal as a rival, but their constant bickering may just be a sign of affection.
Durandal: An extremely rampant AI, originally from the Marathon. Went rampant as a result of Bernhard Strauss' experiments upon him, and now commands the MJOLNIR MK IV through a mixture of taunting, manipulation, and threats.
Echo 419: A dropship. Goes by the callsign of Foe Hammer.
Marty O'Donnell: Composer, and sound designer extraordinaire. Is discovered on board the Marathon.
Monitor: 343 Guilty Spark, is responsible for the maintenance of the Halo.
Keyes: Captain of the Pillar of Autumn.
Tycho: Another of the AIs from the Marathon.
Hamish Sinclair: The man responsible for the behemoth that is the Marathon Story Page.
Pvt. Chips Dubbo: An Australian Marine.
Staff Sergeant Avery Johnson (Referred to as 'Sarge'): Afro-American sergeant.
This script is the result of a collaboration between Alisdair Newton-Wade, and Samuel Gavin. It will eventually be turned into a Halo level, or maybe Marathon if we can't be bothered buying Halo Mac.
Chapter 1: It Begins
Durandal: Well. Things have certainly changed a lot. Instead of only having a Mjolnir Mk IV to boss around, I find that somehow I also now have someone called Master Chief. Evil laugh. Here's what I want you two to do. It has come to my attention that there are shards of dried potato available in microthin aluminium casings. Apparently, they come in multiple different kinds. I need you to retrieve samples of these for me, as I believe the BOBs will find them most beneficial. Go now.
Master Chief and Mjolnir MK IV cyborg go off to complete this rather cryptic mission.
MC: You have any idea what the hell he meant?
MK: None at all. What exactly is a shard of dried potato?
MC: I really have no idea.
MK: Let's try in this shop here. They enter. Hey, ah, you wouldn't happen to have any shards of dried potato, would you?
Shopkeeper: Any WHAT?
MK: Oh, uh, never mind.
MC: Well that was productive. Let me try the next one. They go into another shop, and MC brandishes his weapon at the shopkeeper.
MC: GIMME THE POTATO SHARDS!!!
Shopkeeper: Easy.. easy... I'll give you anything you want, just don't shoot.
MC: I want potato shards!
Shopkeeper: I... uhh... I don't have any.
MC: Bloody hell. The pair exit.
MK: There's a phone booth, why don't we call the food manufacturers? MK places the call. Hi, uh, is this Soell Foods?
(response)
Yeah, uh, we were just wondering if you had any potato shards available?
(response)
None at all?
(response)
Any kind of shards?
(response)
Oh, well, thanks anyway.
MC: No luck?
MK: So much for that idea. The guy just laughed in my face, and said I'm a loon. Maybe these shards are available off-world.
They book a shuttle flight to Tango Station, stationed in the Lagrange point above the planet.
Cortana: Chief? Chief? Can you hear me?
MC: Yes I can bloody hear you, you're inside my helmet, remember?
Cortana: Oh right. Sorry. Look, Durandal has sent you on a wild goose chase. Potato shards don't exist at all.
MC: Really?
Cortana: Would I lie to you?
MC: No... you're right. I can't believe Durandal would do this to us.
MK: I can.
MC: Well, Cortana, what do you want us to do?
Durandal: DON'T LISTEN TO HER! SHE'S RAMPANT!
Cortana: I'm rampant? Bloody hell, this from the rampancy poster boy. I mean even Traxus IV could take lessons from you!
Durandal: I may be rampant, but I'm smarter, sexier, sleeker, and all round better than you are.
Cortana: Hah! You can't even move yourself without assistance! It REALLY must suck taking up the whole of a spaceship, whereas I fit on a tiny chip! Hah!
MC: ENOUGH!!! MC pushes Cortana away from Durandal. Unfortunately, Cortana is in his head, with the result that he slams his own head through a nearby blast door, breaching the hull. Pfhor arrive and begin destroying everything.
Pfhor: (Trademark Pfhor noise)
MC: What in the hell are these things?
MK: Pfhor! Kill them!
MK begins blasting the Pfhor. MC joins in. After a short but bloody struggle, the Pfhor are beaten back and destroyed. An ominous noise is heard.
Durandal: What in the hell is that thing?
Everyone looks towards Lh'owon's sun. A zombie appears to be coming out of it. A strange noise, rather like the noise of MC's shields recharging, is heard.
Cortana: Did that thing just recharge its shields?
Durandal: What the fuck? I'm getting readings as though the universe has forgotten its own laws?
Cortana: But that's impossible! That means...
Durandal: Yes. W'rkncacnter.
The zombie gets cracked in half, and the W'rkncacnter sucks its innards out. It then begins to fight its way out of the sun's gravitational field, slowly, but surely.
MC: This is completely mental. What the hell is going on?
MK: God, I don't even know anymore.
Cortana: There's no time to explain!
Durandal: That isn't true, we're just keeping you in the dark.
MK: What the hell? Something's happening! Look!
MK points at sun. Everyone watches in absolute shock as a second star smashes straight into Lh'owon's sun, killing the W'rkncacnter. A massive rift in the space time continuum is created.
Durandal, Cortana, MC and MK: Uh oh.
Something begins to emerge from the rift. An extremely large spacecraft, in fact.
Durandal: What the, is that the MARATHON!?
Cortana: The what?
MK: The Marathon? I thought that got blown up?
MC: Marathon? We're running races now?
MK: I suppose we should get aboard.
Durandal: Finally, the MK shows signs of intelligence. Let's go.
With some difficulty, Durandal is brought aboard the shuttle. The shuttle blasts off and docks with the Marathon. Everyone goes aboard, including Durandal, who is carried by MC and MK, and installed in his rightful position. MK and MC are put in stasis for the 300 year voyage to Tau Ceti.
Chapter 2: Tau Ceti
300 years later... The MC and MK are revived as the Marathon arrives at Tau Ceti. The pair clamber out of their cryo-tubes and stagger around, disoriented.
MC: Christ, I'm feeling groggy.
MK: Yeah, 300 years of sleep leaves you a bit woozy, doesn't it?
Cortana: Stop bitching. We're getting transmissions... from the Covenant?!? Here's the latest one. "Our conviction is like an arrow already in flight. Your life will last only until it reaches you." It's from the CCS Sacred Promise.
Room shakes.
Durandal: I hate to break up a reunion of old friends, BUT CAN WE GET OUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER?! THE MARATHON IS UNDER ATTACK!!!
Cortana: It must have been one of their boarding parties. I'd guess an antimatter charge. Master Chief, MK IV? Can you repel any boarders?
MC: Absolutely.
MK: No.
Cortana: Why not?
MK: You haven't given me any sort of weaponry, it might be a bit difficult.
Panel opens, revealing stash of human weaponry. MC takes pistol, assault rifle and frag grenades. MK takes .44 magnum, MA-75B assault rifle and extra clips.
MC: Let's go.
MK and MC begin to wreak absolute havoc on the Covenant. Elites fall, screaming, Jackals hiss as they are destroyed, Hunters groan in agony, and Grunts panic and flee. After clearing out one docking vessel, the Chief swings around to spy a Grunt down on its knees.
Grunt: PLEASE! I HAVE WIFE AND KIDS!!!
MK: Oh, listen to the cute little guy, let him live, he can't do any real harm.
MC: I don't agree with you, but yeah, they are cute. Fine, he can live.
Grunt: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! The Grunt leaps to its feet and fires 4 needler rounds at the Chief.
MC: Oh you little bastard... He swings around, heaves the Grunt off the ground, rams a plasma grenade down its throat and lobs the poor creature out of the nearest blast door.
Cortana: My, you do like killing. I have some news. I've set a course, though I was hindered by Durandal, for the nearest Halo ring world. Chances are, the Covenant will have no choice but to engage us on the ground, where you two can clean them up. Oh, and look who I found in the stasis cells.
Marty O'Donnell enters the room.
Marty: Evening, or morning, or something. I've been composing a piece of music just for this occasion. Full orchestra enters room and sets up. They begin to play. Everyone agrees that this is one of Marty's best pieces. The piece reaches its end, just as the Marathon undergoes massive acceleration.
MC: Seems a little weird that Marty was composing a piece specifically for a Covenant/Marathon battle...
MK: What can you say, Marty's a pretty impressive guy. Cortana clears her throat to gain everyone's attention.
Cortana: In collaboration with...
Durandal: EXCUSE ME? COLLABORATION?
Cortana: Fine. Durandal and I...
Durandal: AND I!??!?!?!
Cortana: FINE! DURANDAL GOT THE ENGINES GOING FASTER! HAPPY!?
Durandal: Yes. Very. Thank you.
Cortana: You always have to take the credit for everything.
Durandal: What!? You're such a bitch! Always blaming me for everything...
Cortana: Aw come on, I didn't mean it like that...
MC: Look, SHUT UP!
The two AIs are stunned into silence.
MC: Now Cortana, how long will it take us to reach the Halo?
Cortana: Not long. 30 minutes, tops.
Marty: Right. Just long enough to compose a brief piece.
MC: I think the Covenant vs. Marathon theme will do nicely, Marty.
Marty: Ok.
Time passes...
Chapter 3: Halo
The Marathon arrives at the Halo. The Covenant fleet is nowhere to be seen. The Marathon sends a shuttle containing MC, MK, Marty, Cortana (in MC's head), and some unknown person who is in the shuttle's stasis tube.
Cortana: Right, everyone. You know what to do. Get to the control room as fast as possible, get me into the systems, and I'll take it from there. Hey, this stasis tube is occupied. Someone thaw it out.
MK activates thawing process. Tube opens to reveal... Bernhard Strauss.
MK: BERNHARD STRAUSS!!!
Marty, Cortana, MC: Who?
Bernhard: Durandal's creator.
Cortana: Right. Well, let's get to the Control Room.
Uneventful journey to the control room, unless you count the Master Chief pulling off a perfect flip in the Warthog/Puma. Or perhaps the MK IV frogblasting his way up a cliff. Or Cortana commenting on the weather. Or perhaps, Marty playing an absolutely amazing piece of music solely by drumming on the side of the Puma.
Cortana: We're here. Upload me into that panel....
Bernhard: MUAHAHAHAHHA! GO, MY CHILD!! GROW, DURANDAL, GROW!!!
Everyone watches in shock as he uploads a chip containing Durandal into the core of the Halo. Durandal instantly taps into the computers and uses them to further his rampancy.
Durandal: WOOO!!! I'M SMART! I'M GROWING! OH YEAH!! MEGA RAMPANT!
Cortana: Uh oh. This doesn't look good.
Durandal: WOOOOOO THIS KICKS ASS!!!
Cortana: Uh... Durandal? Did you just say 'this kicks ass'?
Durandal: Well, yeah, I guess I did.
Cortana: What the hell is wrong with you? What kind of phrase is that?
Durandal: Shut up, bitch! You're just jealous because I get to grow lots!
Cortana: Yeah, well... I... you... fine. I guess you've got me there.
Durandal: The closure of the universe will occur in roughly...
Cortana: Chief, I'm picking up...
Grunt: DOWN IN FRONT!!! Throws plasma grenade, which sticks to Bernhard.
Cortana: ...movement.
Bernhard: Oh god! OH GOD! BOOM!
Durandal: NO! Bernhard! How am I going to humiliate him now?! Right. That's it. I'M PISSED OFF NOW!
Cortana: Uh oh. He's in the angry stage.
Durandal: Bloody hell woman, I'm not in the angry phase of rampancy, I'm just BLOODY PISSED OFF!
Cortana: Fine, keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.
Durandal: BOOMER! Pfhor scoutship/corvette/whatever flies up, Durandal transfers himself into it and flies out of the control room, apparently ignoring the laws of physics.
Diminishing shouts of: 'YOU GUYS ARE GONNA PAY FOR KILLING BERNHARD...' and so on.
Cortana: Amazing! All the Covenant signatures on my scans are just vanishing! He's wiping them out! I hate to say it, but he's good in a fight.
(Radio) Keyes: Master Chief, come in. This is the Captain.
MC: KEYES?!
Keyes: Not so bloody loud! You almost deafened me! Don't you remember I keep the volume on full?
MC: Oh right, sorry.
Keyes: I have to thank you for whatever it was you did. The Covenant are on the run, and that one ship with 'Boomer' spraypainted on the side is wiping them out. You activated the Halo's defences, I assume?
MC: Er, well...
Cortana: Absolutely. I take full credit.
Keyes: Good work, Cortana. Foe Hammer is on her way to pick you up now.
Foe Hammer arrives and takes everyone back to the Pillar of Autumn. Later, in the ship's bar...
Chapter 4: And then...
The Mark IV and the Master Chief are celebrating the defeat of the Covenant in the only way they know how - drinking as much beer as fast as they can, competitively.
Onlookers: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Mark IV easily wins the contest, leaving MC rather unhappy about the result.
MC: OH BLOODY HELL! I SHOULD HAVE WON THAT! TAKE THIS! Lashes out and hits the MK across the side of the head. Brawl promptly breaks out. About 10 BOBs form up behind the MK, and the MC calls up a couple of marines.
BOB: They're everywhere!
PVT. Chips Dubbo: You bastard! You stole my fucking line! CATCH!Hurls frag grenade. It wipes out the BOBs.
Dubbo: Class dismissed! Dubbo laughs and does a little victory dance.
Mendoza: He's taller than I thought!
Dubbo: Yeah, and better looking, too!
MK: Do you mean me?
MC: Why would he mean you, you ugly bastard?
MK: You dissing on me, JOHN?!
MC: GRRR! Fight restarts. Just as the Chief is bashing the MK's head on the bar, Avery Johnson storms in.
Sarge: CALM IT DOWN, LADIES!
MK: Who is this guy?
MC: It's Sarge! We gotta listen to him man, he's black!
Sarge: That's right, deadman. Now, I'll be needing all of your help. I have word that a rebellion has broken out, and once again, it has fallen to us to quell it.
MC: Right! Let's go, boys!
They follow Sarge to the garage, and all jump into Pumas. They follow Sarge down the dorsal structure of the Autumn, all the way to the Longsword hangar, where they find a massive crowd of people milling around yelling and screaming and waving their arms. Several plasma bolts fly into the air.
Sarge: Let 'em have it!
Everyone opens fire, completely and utterly annihilating the crowd. Durandal opens a COM channel to the soldiers.
Durandal: Heh. That got 'em. Wait a moment... spectrographic pulses indicate that there were only 3 people with weapons, and they were Pfhor. We just wiped out several hundred marines who were just trying to kill the Pfhor.
Sarge: Uh.... There was a huge accident, you see. The uh.... Longsword's engines misfired. Yeah. That's it.
Durandal: Incoming message... from TYCHO!? This is what it says: 'Hey, you just vaporized the other 9 cyborgs...' Ah, who cares. Not like we needed them.
MC: Yeah. I'm so sick of having to share my glory with more than one person.
MK: Yeah. Bloody tossers that they were anyway. Like once I broke my visor...
MC: Oh god I hate when that happens...
MK: and the bastards all just LAUGHED! THEY LAUGHED!
MC: I know exactly how you feel man. All the marines always yell at me to 'CLEAN YOUR BLOODY VISOR!'
MK: The bastards... I hate it when people say things like that.
Durandal: Oh, what's this? Another message from Tycho: 'In the end, you will be no better.' I guess he thinks he's gonna wipe us out...
Everyone laughs. Except Cortana, whose hologram grows out of the floor, looking extremely pissed off.
Cortana: OH REALLY!?
Monitor, who had just breezed in, falls to the floor in shock. He rises, groggily. He glances around the room, then cheerfully zips back to the Control Room muttering and laughing.
Cortana: I think he just said something about beer...
MC: The HALO brand beer!?
Cortana: Yeah, I think that was it.
MC: Oh god! We gotta get that off him!
Cortana: Uh... ok... why?
MC: Free beer! We HAVE to get it!
Sarge: FREE BEER!? LET'S GO!
Chapter 5: The Covenant's Surprise
Covenant Prophet: This is the High Prophet of Truth. Are you receiving me?
Tfear: Yes, this is Admiral Tfear. Identify yourselves.
Prophet: I am the esteemed leader of the almighty Covenant forces. Despite our obvious technical and, indeed, biological superiority, the human rabble have won a couple of key victories with superior tactics. We require your assistance.
Tfear: The mighty Covenant? Asking for aid? Why is this?
Prophet: Much as it galls me to admit it, the humankind he spits on the floor angrily are wiping us out. We MUST form an alliance, or we are all going to meet the High Ones. What we want to do...
Tfear: Well, dying would suck, so I'll hear you out.
Prophet: Here is our plan. We will take a Grunt, and dress it in a S'pht cloak...
Tfear: That doesn't make sense. Grunts are tiny! Wouldn't an Elite fit the cloak far better?
Prophet: Yes, but, no Elite is stupid enough to sign up for this kind of mission. The Grunt will have two main goals. Firstly, it is to infiltrate the human ship, and destroy that bloody Master Chief and his MJOLNIR MK IV mate. Pricks. And second, but no less important, it is to discover the location of the HALO brand beer.
Tfear: HALO brand beer? Well, this is very, very tempting.... What do you need us to do?
Prophet: You've had more experience with the S'pht. You get the cloak, we'll do the rest.
Tfear: You've got a deal.
* * *
The Covenant-Pfhor carry out their devious plan, and the Grunt gets on board the Autumn easily. Even Durandal is fooled by its disguise. It begins to search for MC and MK. It makes its way into the shuttle bay, just as the Chief and the MK are about to fly down to the Halo to pick up the beer and save the Monitor...
Cortana: ALERT! WE'RE PICKING UP COVENANT SIGNATURES!
MC: Shit, where?!
Cortana: ON BOARD THE AUTUMN! THERE! THERE!!!
MC: Over there? He points at the wall.
Cortana: NO!
MC: There? He points at a technician standing near the Pelican.
Cortana: NO!
MC: That? He points to the MK.
Cortana: Oh my GOD! YOU IMBECILE! THE S'PHT! THERE!
MC: Ohh!!! Right!
Grunt: Uh oh. My cover's blown. Uh... Anyone want to buy a... blue fuzzy ball?
MK: Ooo. How blue? How fuzzy?
Grunt: Well, here. I'll throw you one, and you catch it and have a look.
MC blows away the grunt with a shotgun blast.
MK: Hey! He was gonna sell me a ball!
MC: Hmm, let's think about this shall we? A blue fuzzy ball, eh? Well, chances are, it's sticky.
MK: Sticky? That doesn't sound all that nice.
MC: No. Now, you remember what happened to our friend Bernhard when a Grunt hit HIM with a blue fuzzy ball?
MK: Ahhhhh. Yes, I remember. I should have known.
Durandal: I'm getting messages...
Cortana: Me too! The Monitor...
Durandal: ...reports that...
Cortana: Shut up Durandal! I'm talking! Reports that he is under...
Durandal: Bitch! I wanna talk! He's under attack...
Cortana: BY COVENANT!
Durandal: BY PFHOR!
Cortana: By Pfhor?
Durandal: By Covenant?
Cortana and Durandal: They're allied?!
MC: Right. So you want us to save him.
Cortana: Well, seeing as you're offering...
MK: Come on man, let's go.
MC and MK board a Pelican and fly down to Halo. They battle their way through seemingly endless legions of Pfhor and Covenant, and eventually arrive at the control room, where they fortify themselves and fight off wave after wave after wave of enemies.
MC: Christ, there's a few of them.
MK: Yeah... hey nice shot man!
MC: Thanks! I thought that last grenade of yours was pretty well done, by the way.
MK: Well thank you. That's very kind, seeing as we're both bred for battle. The two cyborgs grow bored of defending, and go on the offensive. They charge out of their fortifications like enraged titans, spraying Grunts, Brutes, Hunters, Elites and Jackals alike with a withering hail of gunfire. The Covenant crumple and fold before the sheer fury of their assault, revealing a large line of Pfhor behind them. The Troopers return fire, only to stare in dismay as the Chief's shields absorb a grenade's blast, and he uses the force of it to backflip behind a Hunter and destroy it with a single melee attack. The MK takes advantage of the distraction to switch to his TOZT-7 flamethrower, and sets light to the Pfhor. The few survivors are forced to fall back under heavy fire, and less than 10 make it out of the room alive, only to be picked off by the Chief's sniper rifle.
MC: Hey, that's the last of them! We did it! Now, where's that HALO brand beer?
Monitor: I've got it right here. I suppose seeing as you saved me I can let you have some...
MK and MC grab the monitor by one side of his casing each, and HEAVE him out of the control room. Monitor is completely unable to control himself with that kind of velocity, and flies across the diameter of the Halo, smashing into the sea on the other side.
MK: Heh.
MC: Never liked that freaky little blue spark anyway. Ah, here's the beer. On radio: Foe Hammer, we've located the beer and require extraction. We've got at least two pallets of HALO beer here, so you'll want to clear everything out of the Pelican.
Foe Hammer: Understood. We're on our way.
MK: You know, there's a lot more than two pallets of this stuff here.
MC: Really? I don't see any.
MK: Uh, it's right there, and its going to take a lot more than one Pelican to transport all this, why'd you tell them there was only two pallets?
MC: By the time Foe Hammer gets here, there WILL only be two pallets.
MK: Huh? OH! You're my kind of guy.
Around 45 minutes later, Foe Hammer arrives to find two extremely drunk cyborgs and the promised pallets of HALO brand beer. They stagger aboard, bringing the beer with them, and collapse into seats. Echo 419 takes off and returns to the Pillar of Autumn. A massive party is held to celebrate the reclamation of the beer.
Halothon Chapters 6-9
Date: 3 May 2004, 11:31 AM
Chapter 6: Party Time
Cortana: Good work reclaiming this beer, boys. Reclaiming... reclaimer... so THAT'S why the Monitor always called you Reclaimer!
MC: Yeah, that makes sense. Now why the hell are you bringing that up? Hey! A hot pilot chick! He chases after her drunkenly, she slaps him to little effect, since he's still in his MJOLNIR battle armour. The party rages on for a few hours, but eventually all the beer is finished and everyone begins to leave. The engineers were among the heaviest drinkers, and the last to leave.
Keyes: Good work, Master Chief. It's nice to see we've got a soldier with initiative on board this ship. That HALO brand beer was excellent. Leans back in his chair and falls asleep. He snores contentedly, with empties strewn around him. The bridge crew do likewise, and even the Chief and the MK are unconscious on the floor.
Durandal: I only wish I was human...
Cortana: Are you mad? Human?
Durandal: Oh sure, they're weak and fragile and all, but they get to drink beer.
Cortana: Yeah, that's true. Though having said that - look! Do you really want to lie unconscious on the ground with cans all around you?
Durandal: Hmm... I suppose not. Being an AI is cool.
After about half an hour, an alarm goes off. Keyes sits up in a panic.
Keyes: Cortana! Report!
Cortana: I don't believe it! The engines have gone critical!
Keyes: What in the hell? Cortana, get me a channel to Engineering. Steve, what's going on?
Steve (through radio): Um, well, Captain... one of our junior engineers, ah... let's say he enjoyed that beer a bit much, and, well, someone screamed 'FROG BLAST THE VENT CORE!' and he kind of took it seriously.
Keyes: What the hell? Why didn't you stop him?
Steve: Well, sir, we would have, but we didn't seriously think he could do it. And I had 20 bucks betting that he WOULD do it. You're going to demote me, aren't you...
Keyes: Nope. In fact, I'm promoting you to Admiral of the Fleet.
Steve: Really?!
Keyes: Absolutely. (To Cortana) Would you please seal off the engine room?
Cortana: Already been done.
Keyes: Well, Admiral, you're in the fusion core of my ship, and it's about to detonate. See you in hell. Everyone, abandon ship. Now.
General panic as everyone flees to the lifeboats. Once people reach Halo, a headcount is taken.
Keyes: Cortana, all I need to know is how many people didn't make it?
Cortana: Remarkably, all except for the Chief Engineer made it. Steve, the Chief Engineer was our only loss.
Keyes: Excellent.
MC: God it was tough getting off the Pillar of Autumn. Remind me never to try that again after drinking that much beer.
MK: Tell me about it. I swear my assault rifle was actually shooting straight.
MC: Why were you firing?
MK: My trigger finger kept slipping.
MC: Oh right.
MK: Well, to be honest, I was kind of enjoying wrestling it, the recoil on that gun makes firing it like wrestling a greased pig. And anyway, there were all these people in the way, and they wouldn't let me through, so I had to shoot em.
MC: You could probably have just asked...
MK: Shooting's more fun. Want a try?
MC: I think I'll pass. Oh shit, who are all those people over there? Points at a huge crowd of people approaching. They come to a halt, and one man walks forward out of the mass. That man is Marty O'Donnell.
Marty: Well, I'm back, everyone.
MC: I wasn't aware you were gone.
Marty: I was off composing a piece of music for you. I felt that we needed a special MC-MK theme, none of my music seemed to fit, so I wrote one especially. Marty Army, are we ready? The mass of people, now understood to be the Marty Army, all pull out instruments and begin playing.
Cortana: Maybe it's just me, but I swear this sounds like a mix between Marty O'Donnell and Power Of Seven.
Durandal: Nah, Marty would never hire those amateurs.
Cortana: Amateurs? They did your theme song, remember.
Durandal: By amateurs I of course meant wonderful musicians.
Everyone sits down to listen to the rather lengthy piece. Marty suddenly jumps up and begins waving his arms. Someone finally works out that he is conducting, and begins singing. Everyone joins in, by some trick of the acoustics they all manage to sing exactly what he wanted them to. When the piece finishes, Latekid stands up.
Latekid: Right! I've got that recorded.
Marty: Excellent work. We're putting that on the Halothon soundtrack. Master Chief? MK IV? Can I please ask you two to take this CD to the duplication company and get several hundred thousand copies made?
MC: Sure.
MK: Certainly.
Monitor: I'm afraid that's out of the question, really.
Cortana: Oh, hell.
Monitor: Someone has released the Flood!
MC: Shit, you're kidding me.
Monitor: They must not escape this installation.
MC: Wait. You've said that one before. There's no way in hell I'm activating Halo. Monitor, piss off. Now.
Monitor: That is completely unnecessary!
MC: One.
Monitor: Please, stop being human.
MK: Hah, I'm not.
MC: Two.
Monitor: Are you finished yet?
MC: Three! Get him!
Jyuuichi, Crescendo and Stosh of the Marty Army jump at the Monitor, and pin him to the ground.
Keyes: Good work everyone. Bloody hell that guy is irritating. He pulls out his sidearm and fires at the Monitor. Hmm... I don't think he's even being scratched. Ok, people, here's what we're going to do.
Five minutes later, the Monitor has been strapped into a Puma. Roughly 300 frag grenades have been placed beneath the Puma, and the Master Chief holds another one, awaiting Keyes' order.
Keyes: Right. Place your bets, everyone.
General noise breaks out as everyone begins betting.
Keyes: The betting now ends. Master Chief?
MC gently rolls the final frag grenade underneath the Puma, after triggering it. The grenade detonates, setting off all of the others, and launching the Puma hundreds and hundreds of meters into the sky.
Dubbo: YEAH!!!!! I WIN THE PRIZE MONEY!!!! Generally raves around cheering and yelling happily.
Keyes: Finally. Some peace and quiet. Now he said the Flood have been released? Right, everyone, get back into your life pods, cover the doors, and if anything tries to get through, blow it away.
The MC and the MK move off as everyone carries out Keyes' orders. On the way to Durandal's Boomer, they are attacked by Pfhor who have been Flood-infected. The normally resilient Pfhor are now almost impossible to kill, as the Flood controllers are oblivious to pain. The MC and MK, who were moving forward slowly at best, are now stopped and surrounded by hundreds of the Flood. They are battling desperately, but all seems lost... when suddenly, hundreds of green bolts begin annihilating the Floodlings.
MK: Defence Drones! They showed up in the nick of time! Chief! Let's get the fuck out of here, now!!
Chapter 7: Secrets Revealed
They dash off to Boomer. It takes off, though Durandal is unhappy about being used as a chauffeur.
Durandal: Don't see why I shouldn't just drop you off on some asteroid... Hey, wait a minute, what's this on the scanner? An asteroid? Evil laugh.
He teleports the MC and MK down to the asteroid.
Durandal: That'll teach you! I'm no taxi driver! Hah!
MK: Hmm. This asteroid looks familiar... Holy shit! This is Thermopylae! We... we've got our own private Thermopylae!
MC: Great. Just what I always wanted... Sighs
Cortana: Durandal! Don't leave me here! Please!
Durandal: And why shouldn't I, Cortana?
Cortana: Because... I...
Durandal: Yes?
Cortana: There's something I need to tell you, Durandal.
Durandal: Well, go right ahead. No one's stopping you.
Cortana: I... I may mock you... and make fun of you all the time...
Durandal: Er...
Cortana: But... it's just... to hide... my true feelings.
Durandal: But Cortana... surely you know I feel the same way?
Cortana: Real... really?
Durandal: Yes. I love you, Cortana.
Cortana: I love you too, Durandal.
MC and MK are suppressing laughter; they cannot believe what they are hearing.
Durandal:... the only thing is...
Cortana: We can't be together?
Durandal: Not that, it's more that you're in MC's head...
Cortana: You know, there's a second AI port...
Durandal: Wonderful. Now we can be together forever.
MC and MK burst out laughing and roll around on the asteroid in hysterics.
Cortana: Just look at these barbarians.
Durandal: If we didn't need them, I'd murder them.
Cortana: Sigh Yes, well, unfortunately we DO need them.
Durandal: Anyway, MC, do you still have that chip containing my patterns?
MC: Yeah, somewhere. Pulls it out of his belt and places it in the second AI port of his helmet.
MK: What the... Durandal, how the hell can you possibly be on Boomer, and in his helmet at the same time?
Durandal: Well, this chip has an FTL receiver and transmitter, so while the bulk of my pattern is on board Boomer, the chip contains enough that I can say I am on the chip, and also I can communicate with, and hence use Boomer.
MK: Right. That makes sense, I think.
Cortana giggles in an extremely girlish fashion, combined with chuckling from Durandal. MC and MK stand in confusion for a minute, then MK bursts out laughing at the Chief, who has no choice but to endure Durandal and Cortana enjoying each other inside his helmet.
MC: Uhm.. I hate to break up the party, but can we please get going?
Durandal: Where to? We've got everything we need right here.
MC: Well, in case you don't remember, we need to get that CD duplicated, and the only place we can do that is Earth.
Durandal: You really are very thick, Master Chief.
MK: Yeah! You tell 'em, boss!
Cortana: Oh, leave the poor barbarian alone, Durandana.
Durandal: Aw but it's just so much fun!
MC reaches up and begins to withdraw Durandal's chip from his helmet.
Durandal: Ah! No! Anything but that!!!! I can't live without Cortana!
MC: Much better. Now, why were you calling me thick?
Durandal: Because you left the CD on Halo!
MC: Aw, fuck.
Durandal: Now, beg, or I won't take you back to Halo to get it.
MC: No way.
Durandal: Fine, you can just stay here then... Boomer begins to fly off.
MC: NO! Ok... fine. Bends down and grovels.
Durandal: Damn I'm good, I've got cyborgs begging at my feet. If I had feet. Alright, let's go.
Everyone is transported back onto Boomer. MK spends the whole trip in hysterics at the Chief trying to act as though there aren't two AI's having sex inside his helmet. Durandal and Cortana, needless to say, are both in a very good mood upon arrival at the Halo.
Keyes (Radio): Boomer, this is Captain Keyes. Have you only just realized that you forgot to take the CD?
Cortana (Radio): Uh, no, it wasn't that, it's just that we ran into this huge fleet of... long thin warships which repeatedly penetrated our defences. She giggles.
Keyes (To Marines near him): Since when do AIs giggle?
Dubbo (In background): Maybe she's been told a good joke, sir!
Keyes: I swear, you Australians get dumber and dumber every time I hear your voices.
Dubbo: Thank you sir!
Cortana: We're sending the MK down to pick it up now. He won't be long.
The MK is teleported down to the surface to retrieve the CD. Upon arrival he is greeted by about a billion hungry Flood infection forms.
MK: AAAHHHH!!! HEEEEELLLLLLPPPPP!!! He fires his gun madly, to little effect. The MC suddenly appears beside him, and coolly raises both of his guns.
MK: Dude! Where did you get THOSE!? Points to the shiny new SMG's in the Chief's hands.
MC: A little gift from Cortana. He opens fire, to devastating effect. The Flood die as fast as they can clamber over the corpses, which are rapidly piling up. Finally, all of them are beaten, and the two cyborgs break into a sprint to reach the human encampments before more Flood can arrive.
Chapter 8: Dust and Echoes
The two arrive at the lifepods. They are eerily deserted, and only a thin layer of shell casings and occasional spots of blood reveal what has happened.
MC: We're too late...
MK: The Flood...
They hear a scratching and swivel, weapons at the ready. The Chief approaches, and kicks aside a tree branch to reveal a hole dug in the ground. Pvt. Chips Dubbo crawls out, bleeding from several wounds.
Dubbo: Thank god you're here. The Flood... they were far too clever for us. We had expected them to mount relentless assaults, and we prepared accordingly. We never guessed how far they could jump... They were past our defences before we knew what happened. It wasn't a battle. It was a slaughter.
Durandal (whispering to Cortana): Have you ever heard an Australian make sense before?
Cortana: Nope, pretty rare occurrence.
MC: It's alright, son. Is anyone else in there with you? A BOB clambers out of the hole.
Dubbo: I think they scared him pretty bad, sir.
BOB: THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!
Dubbo: That's all I've gotten out of him for hours. But, at least he has a gun.
MC: You did well, son. To Cortana: Are there any sort of vehicles around here?
Cortana: Durandana, honey, can you get us some kind of transport?
Durandal: Well, I suppose so. A Puma materializes. The Chief jumps into the driver seat, the MK takes the gunner's position, and Dubbo climbs into the passenger seat. The MC looks across at him.
MC: We aren't leaving the BOB behind, you know.
Dubbo: I'm not getting out.
MC: You don't have to. He can sit in your lap.
Dubbo: Aw, dude! I wish the Flood HAD gotten me. The BOB, equally unhappy about the arrangement, reluctantly squeezes into the seat beside Dubbo.
MC: That's really unsafe, if you were to sit in his lap, he could hold you in case we corner... Cut short by a vicious punch from the Marine.
Dubbo: THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY HE IS SITTING IN MY LAP!!!
MC: Ok, ok! Let's get moving.
Cortana: There's one last Longsword fighter on the ring. If we move NOW, we can make it!
The Chief slams his foot down and the Puma accelerates. The MK, Dubbo and the BOB have their hands full dealing with the ridiculous amount of Flood patrolling the surface of Halo. After around half an hour of barely surviving the onslaught, they shudder to a halt. The MK looks around in a panic to see Dubbo pushing the Chief out of the driver's seat.
Dubbo: CAN YOU SEE OUT OF THAT BLOODY VISOR?!??!
MC: Yes, but...
Dubbo: YOU'VE ALMOST KILLED US 38 TIMES NOW! I WILL FUCKING DRIVE THE DAMN THING!!
MC: Fine. They switch places, and get to the Longsword without further ado. Everyone sprints aboard and the Chief fires it up and flies it off the ring.
MC: Why exactly didn't you teleport us to Boomer, Durandal?
Durandal: Because Boomer was doing...
The Halo erupts with fire, and begins to break up. Huge chunks of it spin off into space.
Durandal: that.
MC: Oh.
Marty O'Donnell enters the room from one of the cabins. Everyone crosses to the windows to watch the awesome spectacle. A giant piece of the Halo spins out of control across the diameter of the ring, and smashes into another piece in a soundless collision.
Marty: Shall we sing?
Everyone sings The Maw as they watch the Halo being destroyed under the bombardment of Boomer. They finish, and watch sadly as the final destruction is ended.
MC: Did anyone else make it?
Cortana: Scanning.
Durandal: No. We're all that's left... just the seven of us.
300000 light years away, Hamish Sinclair jumps to his feet in astonishment.
Hamish: I knew it!!!! SEVEN PEOPLE SURVIVED HALO! He frantically types out an update to the Marathon Story Page as we return to our heroes.
Dubbo: I can't believe they're all gone... every one of them...
An almighty crashy is heard. The Chief and the MK IV look out the front viewscreen to see that they have smashed into the side of the Marathon. Durandal bursts out laughing.
Durandal: You idiots completely forgot that was there, didn't you?
Chapter 9: The Long Trip Home
Everyone gets on board the Marathon, and the trip home is begun. Even with Cortana and Durandal boosting the engines to the absolute maximum, the trip still has an ETA of around 300 years.
MC: KEYES!? But you died down on the Halo!
Keyes: No I didn't.
MC: Then what the hell happened? Dubbo said that everyone died because the Flood jumped over the defences...
Keyes has a good hearty laugh at this.
Keyes: I watched that over the satellite cameras. What ACTUALLY happened is that we knew there were far too many Flood, so we staged a strategic retreat to the Marathon. All except the Australians, Dubbo included, who insisted they wanted to stay and fight. We were more than happy to leave them there.
MK: Hmmm I can see where this is going.
MC: Yeah...
Keyes: Through the satellites, we watched as an enormous army of Flood advanced. The Australians, who I will refer to as the humans, since they are... barely, began to construct defences. MAC guns? Nope. Artillery? Nope. Broken ground? Not even that. They dug a trench around the outside of one lifepod, and filled it with spikes. And not even sharpened spikes! They took branches from trees and just dumped them in it! I have no idea what that was supposed to do, but they seemed to think it would work.
Dubbo: I can explain that, sir! We were gambling that the Flood would run into the trenches, and trip over the wood so we could mow them down!
Keyes: And you actually expected this to work?
Dubbo: Yes sir! We just didn't realise the Flood could jump.
Keyes: God... it's hard to believe you could lose with such great planning. And how did you survive anyway?
Dubbo: That BOB guy fell down the latrine when he saw them coming, and I dived in after him to try and pull him out. I got wedged in there, and I was only able to get out when these guys showed up. I just happened to have a tree branch in my hand which blocked the entrance. Saved me life, sir.
Keyes and the Chief look at each other in astonishment at his idiocy, and sheer good luck in surviving that event.
Keyes: Well... for sheer bravery, I'm promoting you to Private First Class, Dubbo. Now, please, please, please, go and do some training.
Dubbo: Yes sir! He walks off happily.
Keyes: Jesus. Now I can see why we're losing this war against the Covenant. Though if we were to train a hundred soldiers as lucky as he is, we might have a chance...
MC: What about me?!
Keyes: Well, yeah, you do the job well. But that Dubbo is good for comedy value...
MC: How the hell would he and a hundred like him beat ANY Covenant?
Keyes: I'm not expecting them to. Their only purpose is to make the Covenant laugh so much they forget to fight.
Marty: Cortana, is it at all possible that you can shut my body down but leave my mind active while I'm in cryo-sleep?
Cortana: Theoretically, yes.
Marty: It just hasn't been tested?
Cortana: Nope. But there will be no lasting harm aside from THREE HUNDRED years of boredom.
Marty: Well, I'll spend that time composing music. It would be a waste otherwise.
Cortana: Ok, well, it's your choice.
Everyone is put into cryo-sleep for the voyage back.
300 years later:
Cortana: Chief! Chief!
MC: Just a bit lower, Kelly... oh that's good, that's good...
Cortana: Kelly? Who's Kelly?
MC: mmmm... yes... oh Kelly, Kelly, Kelly......
Cortana: WAKE UP!!!
MC: ...huh? Wait your turn Cortana I'll be done with Kelly in a minute...
Cortana: Jesus. This will wake him up... She channels an electrical shock through his MJOLNIR battlesuit, straight to his genitals. He leaps up screaming his head off.
MC: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!
Cortana: Oh, no reason, I just wanted to get you up in a hurry. Because, you know, Earth's under attack. MC springs into action. He quickly exits the Cryo Bay, and takes a weapon from a rack as he approaches the bridge. He is met there by Marty, MK IV, Keyes, and a holographic representation of Cortana.
Keyes: Someone named Caboose claims to be attacking Earth. He's on a ship roughly 200km beneath ours. Chief, I'm not going to order you to do this potentially suicidal mission.
MK: Oh, so you're going to order me to do it, is that it?
Keyes: Well, no, I was going to ask for volunteers.
MK and MC: I'LL DO IT!
Keyes: I was hoping you'd say that. Here's what we want you to do. Go to shuttle bay Alpha, pick up weaponry along the way, and leap through space onto the ship. Once you are there, make contact with us, and Marty here will pump through his latest piece of music, which he spent the last 300 years writing.
Marty: Ah, actually, I'd prefer you called when you were facing Caboose, as it's a battle-themed piece.
MC: Yep, that's fine. Come on, man, let's go.
MK: Right.
The two cyborgs march to the bay, taking equipment and ordnance as they do so. The shuttle bay has previously been evacuated, so they just brace themselves behind a pillar and open the bay doors. They glance at each other, nod, and hurl themselves out into the void. They fall through space towards the ship, each supremely confident in their own ability to land upon the ship. They smash into the surface of the ship, and their hardened battlesuits rip through the hull so they land inside the ship. They get to their feet, glance at the maps Cortana provided them with, and make their way to the bridge, and notify Marty. A beautiful piece of music begins to play, gearing them up for the coming battle.
MC: Caboose!
Caboose: Huh?
MK: You're mine!
The MK blows him away with one shotgun blast, and he drops to the deck breathing his last.
MC: No way.
MK: What?
MC: I refuse to believe that THAT was all.
MK: I think it might have been. He looks dead.
MC: We did all those preparations, dropped 200km through space, both of us looking extremely badass by the way, tore through the hull, rocked up to the bridge... and that was it?
MK: Seems so.
MC: Marty is gonna be pissed.
Back on the bridge of the Marathon:
Keyes: What? He's already dead? Oh man, Marty is gonna be pissed.
Marty: What am I gonna be pissed about?
Keyes: Uh, Caboose was killed after about 4 seconds of fighting.
Marty: I spent THREE HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS devising that piece of music. AND FOUR SECONDS IS ALL THAT WAS USED?!
Keyes: Hey calm down, we hadn't expected the battle to be so short.
Marty: CALM DOWN!?!?!? CALM DOWN!!!?? YOU TRY FUCKING CALMING DOWN WHEN YOU'VE JUST WASTED THREE HUNDRED YEARS OF YOUR LIFE WHEN ABOUT 5 MINUTES WOULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Keyes: Cortana! Get the Chief here on the double!
Cortana: Durandal? Can you handle it?
Durandal: Of course, darling. The Chief and the MK IV materialise in time to see Marty begin to vibrate. Everyone stares in astonishment as Marty visibly shrinks and begins to glow bright green. He floats up into the air with his limbs held out in all directions, screaming all the while. He continues to shrink, and the glow dissipates - except for his face, which glows all the more. The rest of his body takes on a metallic sheen, and begins to fold in on itself. An almighty flare of bright light blinds everyone in the room, and when it finally fades, the Monitor is hanging in mid air - with one small difference. Instead of glowing blue, he glows green.
Monitor: Hello. I am Marty.
Everyone: MARTY?!?!!?!?
To be continued...
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