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Backwash Friday Night Stuff by Mainevent
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Untitled Improv Boredome Story #1
Date: 12 September 2003, 12:50 AM
Rob said to himself:
"Rob, why are you fighting for the humans when you know the covenant are obviously going to win?"
So rob sat there for several seconds and thought about it, and came to no real conclusion. But then it struck him...
"Because if I don't the humans will shoot me."
And so it was that Rob came to be a member of the Spartan IV ODST elite tactical special ops commando team known as "The Spartan IV ODST Elite Special Ops Command Team"
He wasn't technically a spartan, ODST, special ops, or commando unit, but what he was, was in the right place at the right time.
He was getting chow at the exact same time as one
General H. Inde Quarters, and so it happened that they began talking. From this discussion spewed forth a brilliant arguement on the future of humanity, the progress of technology, and rising oil prices (after all, it takes a lot of oil to power a UNSC cruiser). The General then summarily gave Rob the designation as Spartan IV ODST Special Ops Commando, as well as a Georgia Tech cap and some Zertec promo T-shirts.
From this sprang forth a beautiful friendship which would last for years to come.......if the general hadn't been killed by a falling pipe the next day.
Rob was walking to one of the "SS" meetings when out of the corner of his eye he just happened to spot the one, the only, Master Chief. It was love at first sight, and Rob ran over to the Chief as fast as he could (which wasn't fast because love-jogging scenes are always in slow mo).
"Hey chief, whats up brah?"
"Did you *hickup* just call me *slurred speech* a bra?"
"Umm....no."
"I'll kick you're ass if you do, you re*slurred speech*embser that."
"Are you drunk?"
"Maybe I have had one or two or ten shots, but that's none of your goldamned business now is it."
THe chief was still counting on his fingers when he passed out in a puddle of his own drool. Rob looked around the room, and slowly backed out, running as soon as he hit the hallway.
Rob didn't stop running until he got to the meeting, which was already in progress. The Sarge was already giving a speech when he entered.
"What in the holy hell are you doing in my room late you sorry ass grabastic unorganized piece of shit on my shoe?"
"Why is there always a sargeant in every story?"
"What did you just say boy, I will mop your ass up so fast I won't even use a squeegie to ring out out."
"And why are you yelling at me? I was ten seconds late. You can be a little nicer. I mean hell, it's a fanfic and all, but you don't have to be so badass all the time, and might I add, you really fail to pull it off."
"Really? Shucks. I put on the badass persona because in my contract it says I have to put a lot of emotion into it, and I felt that....you know, badass is just the way to go in the military."
"I see, well, it's common, but not always the best. See in real life, marines are just people. They talk about people stuff, and they have real lives, there not just made up killing machines who never stop for a drink of water."
One of the marines in the room raised his hand and began talking without being recognized.
"I gotta tinky."
....all of the marines in the room stared blankly at him, and then one shook his head in disbelief.
"Did you just say....tinky?"
"Yes."
"Your fired."
"Aww, but I had at least four more lines to go before I got out of this story."
And suddenly, a super commando elite, plasma sword in hand rushed into the room, ran over to the private , held his sword high above his head, and then brought it down viciously. Blood spots on the wall ominously spelled doom for the team....literally, the dots spelt "Doom for da team".
Rob began rethinking his joining the SS, but knew he couldn't get out of it do to the General's dying. In his last words he said "If I should unfortunately die because of a freak accident in which a metal pipe should come from the ceiling and then bludgeon my head into a bloody pulp, then so be it, you will be a spartan."
How could he leave after such a great speech? He walked into the hall way, and into the writer's lounge. Inside he found Mainevent, Wado, Alpha Lance, Sargeant B, Hornet34, and some other people sitting around computers typing. An elite in the corner was taking a sip of coffee as rob walked in, and suddenly surprised by the human, spit out his coffee and let out a throaty roar.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You just spit scalding hot coffee on me, AHHHHHHHHhh the burn, the burn." Hornet34 began running around the room frantically and then fell to the ground. Rob ran over to him.
"So........dark, It's so so dark."
"Lights are off silly."
"What, really? Damnit, now wonder I couldn't see where I was going."
Rob turned on the lights, and was nearly knocked down as the elite ran from the room in fear of Hornet34's retaliation.
"Oh no you don't you bastard."
Hornet 34 began typing furiously, and much to the elite's dismay, several hundred invincible marines came from nowhere. Their bullets ripped through his strangely shieldless body with ease, and he fell to the ground headless and dead compared to your simply headless breed of elite.
Another elite respawned in the break room only feet away from Rob, and raised his plasma sword high above his head, ready to strick Rob dead.
"Wait!!" Rob screamed, "You can't kill me."
"Why not?" The elite asked sadly. "I haven't killed anyone in nearly three months, no one ever plays campaign anymore. I'm so lonely."
"You can't kill me because I'm the main character, hell my name's in the title."
The elite looked at the title carefully, reading every line word by word.
"Sorry bud, but your name is not in the title. I can kill you."
"Oh that is so cheap. The main character doesn't even get a role in the damn title. I'm suing."
Tune in next time for "Rob the guy in this story, Attorney at large."
Untitled Boredome Improv Story #2
Date: 15 September 2003, 2:20 AM
"Your honor, I would like to motion the court to a brief recess."
Rob pleaded with the Captain who had been named judge in this strange court case. The fact that there was a mock-court case onboard of a UNSC capital ship during the middle of a battle was strange enough, the fact that a human was suing for copyright infringment was another.
"Motion granted, court will resume in ten minutes or whenever the battle for Earth is over."
Rob thanked the judge and walked from the room. Outside he saw the elite who had tried to kill him earlier eyeing him suspiciously.
"You can't kill me until the case is over, and if I win you can't kill me ever."
"Wort wort wort." Was his only response.
"Say that to my face numbnuts."
The elite, towering a foot over Rob walked up to him, stared into his puny human eye holes, and then said:
"Wort, Wort, Wort."
"Aww hell naw. It's on."
Rob and the elite walked down several corridors and through a large partition. Rob turned around as he noticed that they were outside.
"What in the hell....."
The doorway from whence he came was still there, and he could see the other marines walking back and forth inside of the ship, but he was inside of a snow covered valley.
The cries of help caught his attention as a marine sprinted over to him.
"Help us, we're pinned down against ferocious odds, and we can use every man we can get."
"Yea, you are desperate."
"No time for gay jokes sir, just get behind me and this won't be hard."
"...no time eh?"
The elite chuckled to himself and the marine shot a crisp glance at him. The elite went silent, looked around and rubbed his neck with his large hand.
"SO marine, how bad is it?"
"Well, the covenant have four Wraith mortar tanks, five banshees, sixteen ghosts, ten shadows, thirty two elites, seventy five jackals, over three hundred grunts, five hunters, and twenty brutes."
"Oh, is that all. And how many do we have?"
"....our warthog's broke and George doesn't know how to fire the LAAG."
"So it's me, you, George, and the elite against a small division of covenant with a broken jeep and a gun that doesn't work."
"You got the jist of it."
Rob stood dumbfounded for a moment before looking at his elite counterpart for any advice. He was nowhere to be found.
"Damn you 'Nottachance, where are you."
He saw the alien figure running back through the portal and into the ship.
"He just went into the ship sir."
"Wait, you mean you can see the ship?"
"Well, it is a big door full of glowing machinery and people running back and forth."
"Then why the hell don't you just run in there?"
The marine stood there for several seconds, looked back, saw George fiddling with the gun, and then looked back at the door.
"Right...." He ran off into the door, and stood at a monitor pretending to work. Bullets wizzed by Rob as George finally managed to get the LAAG to work. Rob hit the ground as a bullet ricocheted throughout the ship and killed several crewmen.
"Watch it with that thing will you."
George could only shoot in circles and Rob used this to his advantage. He made a mad dash for the door several times before finally getting there, and then shutting it behind him.
"What the hell was that guy's problem?"
"Newbie."
"Oh......."
"Yea, he just got here so he didn't have time to read the FAQ."
"I see."
Rob glanced around for 'Nottachance, who he found standing inconspicuously at one of the monitors, a lab coat sloppily hung over his shoulders.
Rob tapped his back once, and was rewarded with a loud scream.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The rest of the crew inside of the room began wailing as well.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Rob slowly backed out of the room, and then ran back to the Courtroom, where the proceedings had already begun.
"Sergeant B, where the hell has this man been?"
"This cock-fucking bitch ass whore shit cockity cock do fucker whore bitch was taking a walk sir."
The judge stared at the Sergeant blankly, then at Rob.
"Would you like to tell me where you've been in english?"
"I was taking a walk."
"Oh, I see."
"Thats what I motherfucking cock biter ass jammer said." Sergeant B told the man.
"Why are you so hostile towards this man Sergeant?"
"I just don't like Spartan's in fanfics, thats all."
"Oh, well, whatever."
Rob spoke up, "I'm not actually a Spartan, just in name."
Sergeant B only glared at Rob.
"Your day will come Spartan, your day will come."
"Now Rob, tell me what who it was that let the virus loose?"
Rob scratched his head for a moment before responding.
"pssssst, sir, wrong story." A man called out.
"Oh yes, yes, my mistake, carry on. What did you find on Cerap?"
The same man shook his head, and the Captain changed the subject once again.
"How did you overcome the odds in the fight for Bravo base."
"Jesus Captain, he's here over the name rights to the story." THe man called out.
"Oh, yes, yes, of course. I knew that. Well, what is your name?"
Rob answered quickly in order to keep the Captain from changing the subject once more.
"My name is Rob."
"Well then Rob, what's the big deal?"
"My name isn't in the title of this story, and as such, I am available to die at ANY time in this story. I also have one ornery ass elite after me."
"Makes sense, If I had an ornate brass I would be after you too."
"I said ornery ass sir."
"Don't make me hold you in contempt soldier."
A sigh went up from the watchers and several left the room.
"Do you want to save the whales Rob?"
"If they weren't all extinct, yes sir, I would."
"Good answer. I hereby allow you, Rob, to have your name in the title of this story, and as such allow you to live so long as the writer feels the need to have you alive. Also, I am naming you Queen of the Amazons, and giving you my Golden Thong to help you in battle."
".......did you say thong?"
"Yes, you do not wish to be the Queen of the Amazons?"
"I really have to go sir."
"Second door on your left."
"No sir, I mean I need to leave."
"Oh alright, but now who's gonna be the Queen of the Amazons?"
Several people, including Rob, ran from the room, and the captain was left searching for a suitable replacement.
"Ahh.....Sergeant, would you like to....."
"I would love to sir."
Tune in next time for: "Rob meets the Harlem Globetrotters"
Untitled Boredome Improve -ROB- Story #3
Date: 19 September 2003, 10:53 PM
Rob stared at the title of the next chapter with pride. Sure, his name was a measily hand-scrabbled pencil mark, but that meant little. It was his little hand-scrabbled pencil mark.
'Nottachance walked by angrily, sticking his tongue out as he brushed past. Rob stuck his thumbs in his ears and returned the favor.
The klaxons blared to life as the ship went to full alert. Rob rushed to the bridge to find out what was going on.
"What's going on?" Rob asked.
"The captain's asleep, and we're on a collision course for that city up ahead!" Another marine screamed before fainting.
"......but were in sp-" He was cut off by the sound of the onboard AI.
"As many hands as you gots, get to da places you be 'spected. We's a gonna die if yo ass aint der real quick like. I mean lickity split."
"What the hell AI is this?"
"This is our new Panicked-A.F.R.O. [Artificial Form/Relay ONLY ;)] skin we got. I like it, it comes in real well for the intense fight scenes." The weapons specialist responded.
"Oh, well, I guess......."
"Aight, since ain't nobody up front doin a damn thing, here's the collision procedure. Get on yo knees, stick you head between yo legs, and kiss yo ass goodbye."
Rob watched hoped the covenant armada crossing the asteroid belt up ahead wouldn't see them, but couldn't help but chuckle at the thought.
The ship impacted with a magnificent rumble, sending her end over end for easily 500 meters. She was even perpendicular to the asteroid belt for several seconds, before finally coming back to her original position.
A thick jello cushion filled the room, and sent Rob reeling into the main view screen. Luckily for him, the Strenght and Honor had a nano-diamond glass windshield which he was fortunate enough to rebound into.
A piece of strawberry and peaches wiggled by him in the limey green solution, and he noticed several people eating their cushion. It slowly emptied from the room, and he could see it entering the icy cold vacuum of space.
He took a seat as Reverend Hawthorne entered the room. There was a moan over to his left, and Reverend Hawthorne parted his clasped hands and looked in the direction from which it had come. One of the three marines, holding his entrails in with two hands, cried out from his delirium a name. The Reverend failed to catch what it was. "Mother," the soldier cried again, and the Reverend walked over to him.
He put a hand over the Marine's forehead. It was hot to the touch, and sweat cascaded down his face. Blood had welled up around the place where he sat, staining the carpet red. Hawthorne was sorely grieved that he had no supplies to treat his wounds with, and took the man's pulse. It was slowing... he would die soon.
Rob walked over and looked at his nametag.
"Nice to meet you, so what do you do?"
Hawthorne looked around confused.
"Are you talking to me son?"
"Yeppers."
Reverend Hawthorne prayed silently, his head bowed towards the large, gleaming light mounted at the head of the bridge. "I pray for the Marines fighting outside, that they might meet their deaths with courage or live with honor. I prayed for the families of the fallen, that they might find condolence in the fact that God and Jesus had brought their souls into heaven and hugged them to their hearts. I pray for the children, that they might be strong in this time of crisis, and that they might live on to see a brighter day. Lastly, I pray for myself, old Reverend Hawthorne, with the hopes that God will see me through this carnage and guide me on to preach from my podium once more the teachings of Jesus."
"Did you say the marines fighting outside?"
"Yes.....why?"
"Because if a marine goes outside, his body will explode and his blood will begin to boil..."
"....well then, that makes my job that much easier, scratch one sermon from the biblenator."
Rob raised an eyebrow, thanked the pastor for his time, and strolled from the bridge. A stop by the R&D labs couldn't hurt, see what's a kickin in the belly of the beast.
He walked inside to find 'SHualkcanghadgoagdaha (they calle him Bill for short), their local FOrerunner scientist, hard at work.
The Forerunner scientist looked up from his work. This genetic work was hard - especially with the timescale he had been given. Why they needed such a powerful weapon was beyond him - there was no enemy in this galaxy - his race had conquered all the others in the vicinity, too. Sighing, he continued twisting and reforming the DNA to create a powerful biological weapon. This was his 47th attempt - each creature he had made was dangerous, but not virulent enough for his masters. This, however, was to be his masterpiece - a mixture of viruses, parasites & poisonous chemicals. As he completed the strand, he saw it begin to multiply into a tiny, yellow-green spore. "At least it's alive," he thought to himself. Now, all he could do was wait for the spore to grow.
"How's it goin Bill?"
"Good, good, I'm about to test my newest creation. Wanna watch?"
"Sure."
Bill turned to the table behind him, which held some sort of creature on it. It seemed very delicate - the instant he touched the metre-wide bag it quivered and flexed. He didn't even dare to insert a viewing tube to see what his larvae were doing - for he knew there was more than one in the pupa. A few more hours would do it - the pupa was stretched beyond belief already. Suddenly, however, he saw the pupa quiver, shake and finally exploded in a shower of yellow-green flesh, blood and ten things, which landed on him and pushed him to the floor. He felt an indescribable pain as the things inserted a penetrator into his spinal cord - and took over his body.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Bill screamed in pain.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Rob screamed as well. "I think I hear my mother calling, gotta go, byeeeeeeeeeeeee!!" He yelled as he ran from the room in terror.
He ran back to the door he had met George and the other marine at, and opened it. To his surprise, there wasn't the same sight as before.
The Covenant camp was totally vulnerable from the hill with the foliage Alpha Squad was concealed in. They were all wearing heavy camoflauge and nothing that rattled was brought along. The covenant guard was nearby, his thin eyes peering into the forest, searching for any sign of the enemy.
Rob approached the group, "Hey guys, what the hell yall doing standing here in this hot ass jungle with all that clothing on. You trying to kill a brotha?" He yelled from about fifty feet away.
The elite on duty, jerked his head up, and spotted the marines instantly. After several barks the six Shades placed at the entrance to their camp opened fire, killing them all instantly. Rob cringed at the sight, slapped his forehead and cursed himself.
"STUPID, STUPID, STUPID" He repeated over and over as he closed the door once more behind him.
'Nottachance ran up to him with renewed vigor.
"What are you so happy about you slimy little fuzzball you?" Rob asked while patting his head.
"I finally get to do it, I get to kill. I can't wait."
"Oohh......sounds fun. You know, I was a member of the Boy Scouts once too ya know."
"Really, well, I gotta go get ready. Bye, see you in an hour."
Everyone was preparing for their assault on ERISTOCK, yet none of them knew what they were getting themselves into. Rob was eyeing some data that, he thought, was very peculiar. One week ago the relativly lightly defended planet had a group of seven prophets land on the surface, and, one day later, defenses increased ten-fold. But he just pushed it out of his head, figuring it was a temporary thing.
"This is a temporary thing I guess." Rob said aloud.
"Hell no, they about to get a shit load of people up in dis hizouse. Yo ass betta get in and out, cuz my ass pullin dis ship out if they get har." PA answered.
"Thanks for the morale booster."
"Anytime."
He walked up to Private Walker who was reading a book titled "Advanced Warfare and Christian History for Dummies" on his bunk.
"What ya doin?"
"I'm just reading this book titled Advanced Warfare and Christian History for Dummies." He answered.
"I saw that. Is it good?"
"Yes, very. There are Spartans, and Thermopalye, and Jesus, and Charlemagne, and Julius Ceasar, and George Bush. The're all in here. It's wonderful."
"It sounds like it."
Rob only patted his head, threw him a doggy treat, and left the room.
On the next episode- "Rob meets the Munsters"
BTW, Any christian jokes I may have thrown in here are purely for comedical reasons, and do not reflect the beliefs of the Author in any way shape or form. And now with that said I can go to heaven again. Yay!
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