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Attack on some Human Ship by Nick Kang
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Attack on some Human Ship (a comedy)
Date: 12 April 2004, 12:26 PM
AN: Okay this is my first comedy, so don't make funna me if it sucks.
TIME:12:03(WAIT, WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE IN MILITARY TIME? OH WELL.)
DATE: JUNE 6, 1944—WOOPS SORRY, I GOT CAUGHT UP IN WWII. JANUARY 30, 2553(YOU MIGHT THINK I'M GONNA SAY 'HUMAN MILITARY CALENDAR', BUT I'M NOT.)
SHIP: ABOARD SOME UNSC SHIP, TRAVELING THROUGH SPACE.
WHERE: SPACE (DUH)
The world was a dark place. It looked as if Satan had smote all of the bright planets and stars and comets, and asteroids, and meteors, and orangutans (wtf?), and nebulas and— Captain George Cheddar realized he was getting ahead of himself. Sitting up, George removed his sunglasses, and the world was bright again.
Just then, a Marine patrol ran in, looking as if they had just ran from the Devil.
"Sir," one of them said, "There are Covenant boarding parties inbound! We're all gonna die!" and with that the Marine started walking like a chicken and walked out of the control room. Cheddar stared after him for several seconds before turning to the other Marine.
"Ummmm, yyeeaahh..." he trailed off, "just make sure they aren't here to make a Peace Treaty before trying to kill them."
"Wait, kill us or kill them?" the Marine asked.
"Them"
"Then who kills us?"
"They will."
"Then who kills them?"
"We will."
"But I thought they killed us..." the Marine said.
They will, but we'll try to stop them. Now get to your post, Marine, and remember, make sure they're not here to form a Peace Treaty!
Private George Farley (wait, wasn't that the other guy?) Okay scratch that, Private Nick Gorgonzola left the bridge. Wait, I thought it was called a control room, oh well. He walked down the halls of the Some UNSC Ship, where his friend, Corporal Brad Swiss had just gotten in a Yo' Mama Joke fight with another guy.
Finally, after walking through hallways, and corridors, and tunnels, and halls, what other names are there for them? Well anyway, he reached his post, Lifeboat Airlock- 029. He stood in front of it and could hear the Covenant boarding parties on the other side. There was a bang and the door exploded in a hail of blue plasma. Before the plasma had cleared, a glowing blue blob sailed out of the explosion and stuck to Gorgonzola's chest. Despite the plasma grenade stuck to him, Gorgonzola had the urge to raise his hand and yell:
"Are you here to make a Peace Treaty?" then the grenade exploded.
"Yeah, well Yo' Mama so fat, she went outside and there was an eclipse!" Corporal Brad Swiss (previously introduced by poor, poor Private Gorgonzola) yelled at his opposer. Just then, his opposing Yo' Mama Joke enemy disappeared under a hail of blue stuff. The blue stuff seemed to burn the guy, and he seemed like he was screaming as the blue stuff hit him. Swiss looked over at where the blue stuff was coming from and saw two Covenant Elites holding things that were shooting the blue stuff.
take me 2 ur leedur!" the Elite yelled.
"Woah, you speak english bad." Swiss said.
"i no i just lernd yestrdae."
Swiss didn't take time to respond, but instead, jumped several feet into the air and began flipping, MA5B blazing. Dood! How am I doing this? he thought as he soared through the air. That was when he realized that he didn't have a clip in his assault rifle. While still flipping through the air, he fumbled through his ammo pocket and brought up a new one and jammed it into the MA5B. Swiss was about to take aim at the stunned Elite again when he hit the wall and got knocked out cold.
I do that horizontal rule thing a lot don't I?
Let's see, who else is there to write about? I can't think of someone. Let's see, we've got Cheddar, Swiss, Gorgonzola, I know! This could be from the Elite's point of view!
Rookie Limburger 'Colbee watched as the Human somersaulted through the air with no ammo and hit the wall, getting knocked out cold. 'Colbee walked on, just plainly walking through the halls as Humans and Covenant battled it out, as bullets and plasma shot past him, and no one tried to stop him. He just walked into the Human control room and picked up the ship master and then just walked out. Once again he walked through the halls, no one stopping him, and then he walked into his boarding craft and took off to the Some Covenant Ship...
TO BE CONTINUED...
(if I get good reviews...)
Attack on Some Human Ship pt. 2 --More idiots babbling about stuff--
Date: 29 April 2004, 3:26 PM
AN: Don't you just hate it when people leave long, long, long Author's Notes the ramble on, and on, and on? That just bugs the hell outta me. I hope people stop leaving those things. The italicizedededed(sp?) writing is me talking. This may or may not be funnier than the last, it's impossible to tell if you're the one writing it.
TIME: 1256 HOURS (OH YEAH, I FINALLY GOT IN MILITARY TIME!)
DATE: DECEMBER 12TH, 1942 (DAMMIT! WWII AGAIN!)—JANUARY 30TH, 2553
ABOARD SOME COVENANT SHIP, TRAVELING THROUGH SPACE AGAIN.
WHERE: SPACE (AGAIN, DUH)
The bridge of the cruiser, Some Covenant Ship glowed and pulsed with artificial lights as Limburger 'Colbee entered, carrying the Human captain on his shoulders. Ship Master Bleu 'Monteree turned, enticed by the sound of the doors opening.
"Ah...'Colbee, you are here. I trust you brought the Huma—"
Listen, 'Monteree, you wanna get paid? Stick to the script, or else later in the story, you will 'accidently fall out an airlock!'
"Why? I demand my rights as an Elite! I'm going on strike! Freedom of Speech! I'm gonna go get in a lifeboat and jettison myself to the homeworld to gather protesters!" 'Monteree replied, running across the control center toward the lifeboat airlock. He opened the first airlock door and stepped in. The glass door slid shut behind him. His eyes quickly grew wide and he yelled,
"Hey, where's the lifeboat!?!?!?!?!?!" and with that, the last door opened by itself and he was quickly sucked out of the small chamber.
Ya see where protesting gets ya? Stay in school kids, don't do drugs. I don't know why I'm saying these things, as they have nothing to do with the story. So let's try again.
The bridge of the cruiser, Some Covenant Ship glowed and pulsed with artificial lights as Limburger 'Colbee entered, carrying the Human Captain on his shoulders. Ship Master Cheese 'Cheezee(hey, I'm runnin out of names) turned, enticed by the sound of the doors opening.
"Colbee! Why have you not yet deposited that Human in the brig yet?" he yelled. 'Colbee shrugged and replied:
"Who thi—wait are we talking English, or Covenant?"
"English."
"o ok i just rememberrd i onli lernd inglish yestrdae wear is da brig"
"Oh, okay, we'll talk Covenant."
"Okay that's better. So where is the bri—"
"I'm getting a piggy back ride! YAAAAAAAAY!" yelled the Human from 'Colbee's shoulder.
Haha, indent.
Heh, indent.
Indenting is fun!
Oh sorry, did I say that out loud? Well anyways, on with the show.
Just as 'Cheezee was about to reply, there was a clang coming from the outer hull and a distant metallic voice could be heard. "I recommend you upgrade to at least a class twenty-four combat skin. Your current reads only as a class thirteen and was unable to withstand my impact. I am a genius, hehehehe." The damage officer wheeled around in his chair and shouted,
"Hull breach in section 3! Sensors indicate a small, spherical, severely annoying floaty thing caused the collision!" Cheezee spun on his heel, his eyes growing wide, and muttered,
"Of course! Only a small, spherical severely annoying floaty thing would dare breach our hull! Order all battle ready soldiers to patrol for this small, spherical, severely annoying floaty thing!"
Hehe
Oh, was I actually typing that? Sorry.
"The ship's accelerating! Cheddar is going in manual!" Cortana's voice blared in Swiss's ears. (Don't ask me why she's in his helmet, but it makes for a cool story.) "Uhhh...Cortana? There is no Cheddar, remember, he got captured by that thing that killed that one guy with blue stuff."
"Oh yeah," Cortana's voice faded, "The...blue stuff. You mean plasma?"
"Uhhh, sure...palmsa...however you pronounce it." Swiss replied, "Wait a second? How'd you get in my helmet? How'd I get on this lifeboat? Last chapter I just got knocked unconsious by pulling a tricked-out matrix move and hitting a wall! Oh well, I must just be going insane again."
"Then how is the ship accelerating?" Cortana asked, returning to their original conversation.
"Maybe...an evil fellowship of alien races hijacked it and are locating Earth as we speak, where they plan to invade our homeworld and kill every Human they find!" Swiss said, his voice growing louder wih every second.
"That's the Covenant you Jackass!" Cortana yelled through the speakers in Swiss's helmet.
"Oh, okay. Maybe one of the technicians took over the controls." Swiss replied.
Some Human Ship shot over Swiss's lifeboat, creating a remake of the crash scene on Halo: Combat Evolved. Suddenly, the lifeboat was filled with Marines checking their weapons, and Swiss was suddenly in bulky MJOLNIR armor.
'Cool, Swiss thought, I get to be a SPARTAN!
TO BE CONTINUED!
(DUN DUN DUN!)
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